AIBU to decline my sisters hen party due to cost and childcare?

I think you’ve been very sensible OP. I like Ibiza but it is very expensive - esp the big clubs - and those club nights start after midnight so it’s a lot! (I need my sleep - have to have a lot of naps!)

Very true, in the Royal Family both Anne and Charles had second weddings that looked for better than their first massive events and they both looked far more relaxed.

God, there needs to be a new rule: have a destination wedding or a destination hen party. Not both. Nobody's that special.

I think your husband should take the time off to look after your child so you can have some ‘me’ time.

"... I would hope they'd be understanding, but this is my sister's second marriage and a lot of agro was given to me for leaving her first wedding at 8pm due to my child (who was a lot younger at the time) becoming distressed due to the noise, busy environment etc and it was stated that I could just not prioritise him and celebrate my sister since its her day..."

If your sister is that unpleasant and lacking in understanding I don't think i'd be going to her second wedding - never mind the hen do.

A neighbour's daughter was marrying for the second time, not very long after the first time. She went to arrange flowers for the second wedding and was shown loads of photos of other weddings they had worked on. The majority of them were of her own first wedding, she and her ex were identifiable on a couple of them.

It sounds to me like you dont want to go anyway. Thats fine, and the expense and childcare aspect make a perfect excuse. Its a second marriage so not so big a deal. How does your partner feel about all this? I would make the decision based upon whats best for you and your immediate family. Is this one of those hens where the rest pay for the bride? Sod that for a game of soldiers, I would not be spending that amount of money in this uncertain climate.

It's a second marriage - she's hardly the innocent young bride, is she? Making such a huge fuss for a second wedding is a bit icky.
And of course it's possible to decline - no need to grovel or apologise, just say you won't be attending.

She sounds a bit bridezilla, obliging you to stay at the pricey venue at your expense AND to spend £1500 and 5 days annual leave for her hen do, plus whatever on child and petcare arrangements etc for both. And for her second wedding too. You've done the right thing, there's no way all the other invitees have £1500 to spare for the ibiza trip either.

I know someone (distant family) who has been married 4 times. Each time she’s had a big hoopla. I think actually her first back in the 70s was probably the most low key one due to them being young and lack of money, but each one since has more than paid for the first multiple times over.

She’s a grandma now and it’s just so cringe because each one is “the one.” I honestly think some people are just addicted to the idea of being a bride. Mental behaviour.

If I was the main carer for a disabled child, the Idea of using both what sounds like a huge chunk of money to them and a one off opportunity for my partner to take leave (because I assume they'd like to use the rest of his leave together) on 5 days in Ibiza following someone else's itinerary would actually break me.

I’m old enough to remember when second weddings were a quiet affair down the registry office with just close family and the bride wearing a nice dress from a department store. There was sometimes an air of low-key embarrassment - “well we know we got it wrong the first time so let’s just quietly get on with it” then a trip to the pub 😆 Of course no one should be embarrassed about getting remarried, but there’s also no need to rival the Met Gala every time you get married.

I’m honestly laughing at all the people on here thinking that a 5 day hen in Ibiza is anything close to a break. Have you ever seen how these things go? 😂. My idea of a literal nightmare.

Honestly, OP, your sister needs to grow up. If you’d like to show her this thread, the sensible folks here will be happy to tell her so.

Ridiculous amount of money to spend on a hen do.

@Tairneanach is your sister in the group or are these arrangements supposed to be "surprises"

Nobody has replied to my message yet but 6 other hens have messaged saying how excited they are.

I could put money on the fact that she has got them to say that to deflect from your post.

Well done OP - I have only read your posts but i think it is supremely selfish of her to expect all this expense for a second wedding - the first of which must have only been a couple of years ago if you had DC.

A very measured response from you.

Well done. Definitely always the best course of action to just say you can’t make it, rather than give a detailed explanation of the reasons. Most people aren’t cheeky enough to ask why.

Others will definitely have more courage to decline now that someone else has said no first.

I would say so and I bet a lot of them will feel much more able now you, the sister have said no

Everyone will be relieved someone else has said it first.

Sometimes it only takes the first little pebble of a "no" and then the avalanche starts.

So what about the wedding hotel, are you prepared to say "no" to that, too? what if she has a 3rd wedding?

she is not the boss of you and your credit card. You can say no to this, too. What is she going to do? uninvite you? Then you have no cost at all. Win-win.

Of course you arent being unreasonable OP. £1500 each for a hen party is crazy money. That is my opinion anyway. Just say you cant afford it. If you were my sister I wouldnt expect you to come along and leave your dc which will be another worry. Then again my hen do was in my local pub and then a club a very long time ago. Still had a fab time. Nip this in the bud so they orgainise numbers with how many friends are going along.