AIBU to decline my sisters hen party due to cost and childcare?

That sounds like a good option. But be careful how you phrase it so she doesn't think it's an alternative event as people may avoid the more expensive one then... its for people who have already said they can't attend.

Also... I think your sister must make you nervous, as you are phrasing things quite apologetically.
So instead of:
"I don't think 5 days away will be feasible as it will mean my partner will have to take 5 days holiday from work for me to attend."
Try saying
"That does not work for me. I cannot take 5 days away from DS atm and also my partner does not have the annual leave to take 5 days off for him."

The first sounds like you are not really sure, you only think it.. it implies you need to find out properly, you might think it sounds a bit more polite, but a bossy person like your sister will take it that you could do it if you really wanted to and so it doesn't come across as a no. The second states firmly that its not possible and is more bombproof.

My family used to exert similar pressure and over the years, I've sort of evolved an equation to help me weigh up these kinds of things. eg

1. Attend event I don't want to go to = avoid drama and hassle but hate attending or
2. Saying no to event I don't want to go to = massive drama and argument upfront but at least I don't have to spend money on event I just don't want to go to.

I tend to think, since your family says things like "you need to prioritise your sisters wedding.". that indicates to me that there will be massive drama there anyway about something whatever you do.. so if you already have the drama. ..option one doesn''t really prevent it so you may as well go for option two and at least have the benefit of not attending.

Also, the next time they make stupid comments about prioritising... snap right back "I will always prioritise my son, I am his mother." and "Nothing you can say will change my mind on that." Don't be so worried about them kicking off.. They do it because it works. It's how they control you. Experiment with saying no to them and not caring if they kick off. In reality what can they do about it.

😆

Talk directly to your sister.. you don’t have childcare or the money to go away.. instead you’d like to take her for a spa day/got tickets to see her favourite show (or whatever your sister would like)

Honestly though, if my sister gave me grief about prioritising my child at her first wedding I wouldn’t even be attending the second. You are a grown up.. not someone she can tell what to do.

I'm glad you've said you can't go. I wouldn't waste a very rare break away from my children (teenagers with complex disabilities) on something I didn't want to do with people I didn't want to be with. Never mind the money.

If your husband thinks you could make this work if you really wanted to go, why not plan a couple of nights away, either on your own or with a friend, to get a proper break?

I earn a good salary and £1500 pp is what we're spending on our two week summer holiday for flights, accommodation and transfers this year. It's a hell of a lot for five days.

Sod that. It’ll end up costing way more than that. Fuel prices going down flights will increase, they’ll chuck in activities that will increase in price. It’ll end up being at least £2000. No way would I attend this.

And I imagine the biggest part of the cost is the airfare?

Those saying that the OP has plenty of time to save up are so tone deaf.

Well done on putting the message out. I can guarantee there’ll be others who are composing their ‘can’t go’ messages as well.

I also notice you say it’s £1500 estimate, so it could be more!

The trouble with compromise is that all too often nobody is happy! The bride feels that her hen do is too unimportant to attend the whole thing, guest is still spending money, time and energy but it won’t be appreciated 🤷‍♀️ IMO, decide what you are happy to do (eg attend wedding beside beach and accept that it may be expensive but you are happy in lovely hotel) and that is your line in the sand-whether it is appreciated or not!

This.

Unless you definitely know it's your thing, and it doesn't appear to be OPs, a 5 day group trip in Ibiza will be not only expensive but shit. If she's chosen the location because she wants to party, it's also potentially really exhausting for anyone who isn't used to doing a lot of that in a short space of time. Which I suspect OP isn't given what she's said about her life.

Why not? That’s quite judgemental of you. Generally (with some exceptions) second weddings are more low key affairs. Shit happens in life, and it’s nice that people are able to find love again. Being a narcissistic bridezilla is a totally different thing to judge on.

You can just click the other one to change your vote

One of my adulthood friends felt she didn’t fit the look of my childhood friends. She felt they were laughing at her. The childhood friends thought my adulthood friends were being rude and standoffish in response. Cue a really shit night out and me, bride, waking up alone in the Airbnb because they’d all left. It was incredibly disappointing and given my time again I’d just go to a spa by myself.

i wouldn’t definitely not be going to this. £1500 on a hen do is ludicrous…I wouldn’t spend this even if there weren’t any barriers to going (childcare, money etc)

no one should EVER have to save to go to an event like this

Well if that’s the case she doesn’t bother with you much then refuse the Ibiza hen do and say you’ll do something in UK.

Can you compromise and go for 2 nights 3 days rather than 5? It might make it cheaper and DH wouldn’t have to take as much time off work.

That is a lot of money for a hen do, and estimates always go up! Definitely done the right thing turning it down early. It's a huge ask from anyone in terms of money and time.

What if it's just something they do not like/want to do?

Going to Ibiza is my idea of hell. I wouldn't spend £1,500 to attend someone's hen do anyway - I couldn't justify that cost - but even if I was comfortable enough that it wasn't a financial issue, I still wouldn't go because there's no way I'd spend that much money on something that would have me stressed the whole time.

Tell her you'll go to her third one

Thats a lit of money. You couod say that yoh will take her on a spa wekeend when she gets back. You could find something for around 500 all in for the two of you and still be 1000 up.

Very definitely not being unreasonable!

The expectation on people to spend so much money is ridiculous.

For people saying "oh you've got plenty of time to save" - not everyone has enough disposable income for that for starters. Plus, people have their own lives and things they need to save for. You're going to be spending in excess of £2,200 total - yes the hen do is £1,500 and the wedding is £700, but it will absolutely end up being more than that with add ons, drinks, meals, outfits etc etc. I honestly couldn't justify that personally and I think it's taking the absolute P to expect people to fork out so much for their wedding and associated events.

Tell her in good time so she can get used it and gives her time to invite anyone else she may not have originally.

I think it's selfish to expect others to pay a huge cost to join a celebration. Selfish to take offence if they can't afford it

There is nothing wrong with saying you can't afford the money or the time and nothing wrong with prioritising your disabled son. Also I don't think you get to be at all brindzilla for your second wedding (I would stick to the cost and time when explaining though). Offer to arrange a day and or evening out locally for her to have another celebration even if that one's just for family. I can't imagine you are the only guest feeling g this way.

OP is not going.

My sister didn’t come to mine simply because she didn’t want to - it was never an issue. I still love her and tbh now I’m at the age she was when I got married I don’t think I’d have wanted to go away for three days with rowdy youngens.

The only thing is you would have a good bit of time to save, maybe think about it a bit more. If you like the people and want to go, it could be a nice break? If that’s not the case then absolutely just forget about it, but maybe plan a day out with her within your budget? Me and my sister just had our own little boozy brunch out then went home and did face masks and had DH run around and get us drinks and snacks - cost less than £100 and was actually super fun.