AIBU to decline my sisters hen party due to cost and childcare?

Well done. Sure others will decline as well

its an Obscene amount to spend for a hen do

my 2nd wedding (dh 1 died) I did an afternoon tea with bottomless bubbly for those who wanted it v 1 glass v just tea/coffee

think was £50 v £25 v £20 and was local to me and think all came who I invited 25ish friends and family

maybe she will do something like that for you /mum/mil if alive

I agree it’s the right decision for her not to go for various reasons but I think the OP came on here for everyone to agree that her sister is an entitled bridezilla and it just comes across that she doesn’t really like her very much and that the relationship isn’t great. By her own admission she said they’re not close so yeah, probably for the best she isn’t going. Interesting that her DH wasn’t ‘up in arms’ about the idea but she’s got the validation she was seeking here anyway

Strikes me as massively entitled to have a destination hen/wedding and expect people to pay to go! She can do as she likes but it's not going to be logistically possibly for you to attend and if she gets arsey, tough, plus it's her 2nd!

I think your sister is a cheeky bitch having such an expensive hen and wedding when this will be her SECOND marriage!!

Great post.

The money is arguably the lesser problem than the logistics here. OP may very well be able to get 1.5k in any number of ways. She might have it already. It's at least possible that any financial obstacles can be cleared. What's not going to change is having a disabled child with significant needs.

I think aside from the very significant financial considerations, having a disabled child really changes the situation.

I'm sure OP could do with a break. But where there's a child with significant disabilities, it's not as easy as handing over to the other parent and swanning off.

Depending on the disability and your child's condition, being a long way away where you can't easily get home isn't always feasible. And even if nothing happens and it's OK, you're going to spend the whole time stressing, just in case.

If you don't have those worries, it can be hard to appreciate just how all-consuming it is to have a child with that level of need.

Apart from that though OP, the financials sound horrific. £1500 as a "base" - so that will probably double at least - plus the loss of income from your self-employed husband's business. Absolutely not.

You've done the right thing here in sending the message to say you can't make it. Don't doubt yourself.

I don’t get these modern wedding expectings friends to spend a small fortune abroad AND use up limited annual leave days when we often don’t have enough to juggle 13 weeks of school holidays anyways. It’s really selfish. It’s also her second wedding so given you’ve already forked out once this price is even more mental.

Throw in your personal circumstances around child care AND your partner having to not work and being self employed - effectively adding further costs.

Say no, offers local meal instead and honestly if be staying cheaper accommodation too. £500!

With 2 weddings 8 years apart I definitely wouldn't be attending another expensive hen do. Unless there's a tragic backstory/widowed etc. Just say no OP. She must be aware of your financial and logistical circumstances.

Totally reasonable to decline. How incredibly entitled to think that friends and family can drop £1.5k and a week’s annual leave to go on a trip of someone else’s choosing??

What is it with weddings and people trying to do a Beckham sized series of events when they and those around them don’t have Beckham sized bank balances??

No it wouldn't hurt him to look after DC for 5 days, but that's 5 days out of his annual leave that they then couldn't use for a holiday together, or to cover childcare in the school holidays.

I think the estimate probably isn’t right either. Ibiza is crazy expensive!

It depends what it is. If it was a camping holiday, no I wouldn't.

I think that’s a crazy amount of money and five days is really a long time too.

Holiday as at a premium when you have kids, so two parents using two weeks, one for childcare and the other for an overboard hen, is just not reasonable at all.

You seriously wouldn’t make the effort for a sibling? If they threw a birthday party for example, but party’s weren’t your thing then you’d just say ‘nah, I’ll take you out to celebrate so we can do something I enjoy instead’… I couldn’t imagine being that selfish on a friends special occasion.

I think it's polite to be more discreet when it's a second marriage - to have a five day hen do in Ibiza is not appropriate; to expect everyone to cough up for it is verging on delusional. I would politely decline, wish her well and do not engage further on the topic.

Don't be silly. I don't expect all of my friends to like everything I like. I wouldn't invite a friend who hates dancing to a soul night, for example, but I would go to a film with her another time.

I'm not nercissistic enough to think the way you do.

Good god. In another 8 years time will she be expecting you to fly out to The Taj Mahal for wedding no 3? After he 3 grand hen do in Phuket?

Where in OP’s post does it suggest or even hint that she doesn’t approve or isn’t fond of her sister ? Lots of posters displaying little understanding of the needs of a disabled child. Often mum is the primary carer so not so easy to pass caring responsibility onto dad without upset to the child. And five days away from the child in most circumstances would be difficult for both mother and child. It isn’t just a case of getting on a plane and forgetting everything at home.

insane amount of money. Just be blunt and don't get roped in. Your own family could have a really good holiday and a break with that kind of cash.

You have a disabled child and you can't afford it. That's that. If your sister had wanted you to be at hen do badly enough, she should have considered those factors before deciding on an expensive Ibiza jolly.

Sometimes there are things that always have to be prioritised over all else, and your DC with additional needs is one of those.

OPs sister already doesn't make much effort, so she probably wouldn't notice the difference.

Worth pointing out also that there are going to be a lot of people for whom the time off work is more precious than the money. This is especially so for the self-employed like OPs DH, when it's not necessarily as simple as taking some unpaid leave if you need it.

And on celebrating yourselves you leave all common sense and empathy for the circumstances of others behind ? Not very loving in my book.

She sounds hideous. I’d bin it all off.

I have thanks.

“if someone just didn’t want to celebrate me because it wasn’t their thing then I wouldn’t make much effort with them anymore” - that was you.