AIBU to decline my sisters hen party due to cost and childcare?

'Sorry this is over my budget - can we do something low key just us 2 near the wedding?'

Maybe she doesn't want her child or her to go without just so an unreasonable, ungrateful woman won't bitch her out because she's not spending lots of money going to a 5 day party in Ibiza.

Why should she prioritize a completely unnecessary and irrelevant do over her child and her partner? Her life will go on the same without a costly party.

Have you not looked around you? People are tightening their belts, not spending wildly on frivolous bullshit. And yes, a hen party in Ibiza is bullshit for a first marriage, much less a second.

@DysmalRadiusthats exactly what I was thinking…

Also, maybe OP does need a break from caring for her disabled child….but does she want that break to be 5 days in Ibiza with her sister (who doesn’t sound great) and her sisters friends…? Most probably not.

OP, it’s a stupid amount of money, 5 days is far too long, childcare is difficult, your child would struggle, and your husband doesn’t have 5 days annual leave going spare.

I wouldn’t feel bad about saying no. But I bowed out of over the top hen do’s years ago now.

I agree with you and I find it outrageous that someone expects their friends and family to fork out the equivalent of a holiday in time and money, just to celebrate that they will be getting married soon. It's gone beyond a simple night out in town with your mates to a full-blown holiday where you have to do what other people want you to do. Why does anyone agree to it?! It's "come worship at the altar of ME because I am going to be a BRIDE". So what? People have been getting married for centuries, surely at no other time in history have the expectations (for guests) around a wedding been so ludicrously expensive?

Look at the demands OP's sis is making about where the guests will stay too. It's so self-centred and inconsiderate and I'd be so pissed off at the lengths I was "asked" to go to, for no good reason other than how it looks online, probably...

As someone who can comfortably save several times the amount needed for this hen per month, I'm appalled that you're as tone def as to say that most people can. Most people have ZERO savings, if not debts.

"Other people's wankery" is an incredibly small line on my personal budget, and I don't save towards it, I use it at my discretion out of leftover regular fun money.

Is it just me that thinks it's incredibly entitled to have your hen not only abroad, but somewhere known to cost a lot?
Unless you move in circles where everyone is incredibly wealthy or something.

There is probably no one in the world I would spend that much for on a destination hen do in a place I wouldn't choose for myself with that long away from my child. YANBU.
Your sister would be VVVVVU to insist that you go, or to hold it against you if you choose not to.

Would you pay the £1500 for your sister to come on your hen since it's so important?

Whenever someone organises either a hen/stag do or wedding abroad, they have to accept some people won’t be able to attend. It’s their choice to do it abroad and that’s fine but they can’t complain if anyone struggles to afford it. Of course you wouldn’t be unreasonable to say you can’t attend, it’s a lot of money and stress.

Honestly? Truthfully, not everyone can.

Most people if they really want to, can make savings here and there. If they don’t want to they won’t.

Regardless of personal circumstances, I think asking anyone to spend £1500 on a hen do is an absolute fucking cheek.

YANBU.

Thank goodness I’m too old for all that palaver. I’m not married myself (been with DP for over 40 years, since my teens) but I’ve been to a few hen do’s over the years. It has all become very expensive in recent years, with someone else’s impending nuptials taking over weeks of other people’s lives. I appreciate that not everyone does this and also that there’s nothing wrong with a good excuse for a holiday if you can afford it, but there’s so much pressure on people, particularly family members, to take part. I can honestly say that, at no point in my life, could I ever have afforded £700 for a hen do, on top of all the other expenses associated with attending a wedding. I have stayed overnight in hotels for weddings, which was great fun, but that was usually because it was necessary due to the location. There does seem to be an expectation nowadays, in some instances, that people forgo all other holidays and occasions for the year with their families, to indulge the whims of a couple getting married. For me it’s like other people’s children. I only have limited interest. I prefer my own. So I wouldn’t be interested in other people’s idea of what my annual holiday should look like.

what this says 💯

Not at all. If you’re having a destination hen/wedding you accept that some of the people you’d like to be there won’t be able to.

If decline and say you cannot afford to attend. I'd not mention childcare because that will just remind her you left her previous wedding early due to DC. Keep it simple. I'm really sorry but there is no way I can afford to come but I hope you have a wonderful time and will be thinking of you. If she complains tell her you are prioritising her actual wedding as new outfits etc are expensive.

I think expecting everyone to spend £1500 on her hen party is completely unreasonable! - the invite should be caveated with "we appreciate this is a big cost so if anyone is unable to come, we understand". Also the impact to your husband for 5 days, is too much. Keep it simple, "sorry i wont be able to make it, but wishing you the best hen party".

Why are you pandering to her demands that family stay at the venue?

If it’s significantly cheaper to stay elsewhere then that’s what you should do, she’s not the boss of you. Bridezilla much?!

If she bitches just say you attended her first hen party, the second one isn’t really that important you’ll attend the third one in a decade or so 😂

I think that if there is anyone who’d you’d actually be devastated if they didn’t come, you arrange an event that they are able to come to. Not something which will cost £1,500 plus 5 days of lost wages for their self employed partner. Thats a big amount of money for a family to spend on a hen do. Especially if you’re adding in the wedding where the bride is insisting family stay in the more expensive venue.

Don’t do something that is hard for someone to attend, and then pretend their attendance is important to you.

I had a 'foreign' hen - I'm in Ireland it was in Manchester and didn't actually cost much. I fully understood that doing that would mean some people would not/ could not come.

Tell her you just can't afford to go. If you want to take her on a special day out sometime that'd be nice. My sister brought me for a full body scrub and lunch before the wedding

Don't let her pull your strings, if she wants you to stay at the venue then she should be paying, otherwise stay where you want.

It depends if that's the sort of break she wants.

For me it became a whole lot easier to be clear on saying "no" to things I didn't want to do because time became a precious resource. Spending five days of my AL with someone else's friend group following someone elses itinerary would be an enormous no, before you even get to the money factor.

And although I'm a happy advocate of dad doing his share and breaks, I thinks asking someone to use five days of annual leave is a huge ask vs giving each other a break outside of working time.

If I had a year to save up for 5 days holiday, I wouldn’t want that holiday to be dictated to me by someone else. If it was also going to be logistically difficult and cause distress to my child I most definitely wouldn’t do it. I hate the concept of hen holidays abroad, I find it remarkably self-centred and selfish to expect a group of people to throw a load of money, time and convenience out the window to celebrate an event that in all honesty is only really important to the 2 people getting married.

i wouldn’t go in your situation OP but I would expect that this will piss your sister off, unreasonable though that may be.

Exactly. It's really very selfish of the sister.