AIBU to decline my sisters hen party due to cost and childcare?

A five day hen party in Ibiza for a second wedding! Absurd! YANBU at all.

YANBU at all, your sister is a massive bridezilla. £700 is a lot to spend on attending a wedding, let alone the further £1500. She’ll be wanting you all to stay at the venue because they will do a deal to make the wedding significantly cheaper if the bride and groom persuade people to fill the rooms, so you will be subsidising the whole shebang.

I wouldn’t feel bad about letting down the woman who clearly has no empathy for your situation with your son (her nephew!). There’s a good chance you could be significantly more out of pocket if your OH doesn’t work for five days, being self-employed.

She may well be worried that if you don’t attend the hen do it will reflect badly on her - it’s not a good optic that she’s done something her sister can’t manage. Expecting anyone to attend an expensive five day hen do demonstrates a really shitty attitude, and she’s probably already had some people say they can’t do it. Life is expensive right now and getting more expensive every day.

If she’s arsey with you, tell her you’ll try and make the next one 🤣

I have no kids, nevermind a disabled one. I disagree with some of the pp who think it’s actually a good idea.

I wouldn’t be wasting my leave or £2k ( i bet costs rise) when you are already spending £1k or there abouts going to the wedding. I’m not a high earner and think there’s a lot of ridiculous money and time spent on shit like this when there is no need. It’s perfectly acceptable to say no, but if we people can’t see your reasoning i think it’s their issue. You could offer alternatives, suggestions and interest in an at home hen do.

Anyone selfish enough to ask people to pay £1500 to come to their hen party is far to selfish to be understanding so I would fully expect her to kick off. It's beyond ridiculous and even more so for a second wedding.

Or, you know friends, family, family friend with not much income which, under peer pressure and being guilted 'not to let SelfishCF down', have gone into debt to keep the knobs in their life happy.

Yes and your explanation was wrong.

I’ve explained myself above. Not bothering to type it again.

I wouldn’t want or be able to spend that amount of money on a hen do. I wouldn’t want to leave my daughter for that long either.

My sister is getting married this year and wanted a hen do abroad. She knew, without asking, that I wouldn’t go. And that others may struggle. She has chosen something not too far from where we live, it’s Sunday to Tuesday, so still over nights but not as long or as expensive.

This comment is naive at best.

Fortunately I’m in a comfortable position where I can save plenty every month, but I’m also aware that some people have to watch every single penny, they’ve already cut back everywhere they can and saving is an impossible dream. It’s called a cost of living crisis for good reason.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to decline and completely agree that when it’s an abroad hen do, you have to expect that some people won’t be able to make it and some just won’t want to spend that much on a hen do, which is fair enough. Some people enjoy these weekends though and are fortunate to be a me to afford them, as unthinkable as that is to some people on MN.

However, as it’s your sister, I probably wouldn’t say I can’t afford it as there might be an expectation to save up, more so than if it was a friend. I also definitely wouldn’t come at it from the angle of how entitled she is as some people are saying, even though it does seem a lot for a second marriage. I’d say that I’m really disappointed not to make it but I won’t be able to leave DS for that length of time.

That said, it could be a nice break for you if you do want to go and might enjoy it. Could you go for a few days rather than 5? Whenever I’ve been on abroad hen do’s, people have always come for varying lengths of time due to childcare, costs, annual leave etc so maybe that might be an option.

Only been on 1 hen do that required travel. Train.
The majority of the women took coke on the train. Unbeknown to me and my mate. Lost them in a bar when a man fighting has his eyeball popped out and the security stopped anyone else coming in.. . We had 2 drinks all night as my mate insisted texting /ringing /locating the 'lost' hens. Hotel was full of loud pissed people and had no sleep.
Never
Again.
And had left 3 under 4's at home.

Frankly I think someone who expects others to spend £1500 and 5 days of annual leave on making them the centre of attention is a special kind of selfish self-absorbed fuckwit.

Totally agree, that's some serious main character syndrome right there. If you want people to be able to come don't make it so difficult and expensive

I would simply tell your sister that you’re really sorry but you can’t afford £1500. It is simple and factual.

@Tairneanachdoes your sister/family live in Cornwall? Or is she being ridiculous in making family and friends spend £100s on travel and accommodation?

I think if someone is going to be devastated that their sister can't attend then they should plan a hen do that the sister can attend. 5 days abroad costing £1500 plus the loss of 5 days income for her partner (so potentially effectively doubling the cost) isn't reasonable.

Of course she chose the all inclusive where x amount of people have to stay there. 🙄

Well if you’d be devastated the your sister didn’t come to your hen do then you should be much more considerate of cost and time, especially 2nd time around.
The bride is a CF and very self centred.
Hen parties and weddings these days are so often absolutely ridiculous and then so many end in divorce. No doubt wanting serious social media attention.

I‘m not that tone deaf, however I do know friends, family, family friend with not much income which if they came down to it (and have done) have found the money. I’m not saying everyone can afford it because not everyone can.

It's a second wedding. It's a lot of money. It will cause your family stress/difficulty. So, NO.

You probably wouldnt book an extortionate hen do that meant people needed £2k and 5 days AL... if you were considerate of your sister with SEN children and a self employed roofer husband (saying that as its seasonal work that is hugely impacted by weather ergo they wont be loaded...)

Of course you should prioritise your child, they always come first, regardless of what anyone says to the contrary.
I’m not sure whether this is the right way to think about it, but I never feel it’s fair to expect the same level of effort and expense from people for a second wedding. I did feel a bit put out and begrudging when I was sent a very expensive wedding gift list and hen do invite for a friend after having spent a great deal on her first 6 years prior. I went along with it though and did enjoy the hen.
Hopefully you’ll find a way to celebrate her upcoming wedding with her in some way!

I f you don't wanna go then don't go

That's a ridiculous amount of money to ask people to pay for a hen party, even more so when she's already expecting people to pay (and take time off) for her actual wedding. YANBU and she would be very selfish and entitled to get annoyed about anyone saying they can't make it.

This

if you want to smooth things offer to host an evening- maybe the night before the achual wedding and do drinks and canapés and make a fuss if her that way ? It shows willing

you need to get family support with your child maybe get a few of then to babysit more often so they know what you are dealing with and they csn babysit the night you host ?