AIBU for expecting to 'sleep in' every day?

Every single time he says this, you could say sweetly “I think you’re forgetting that I am getting up [x] times a night to feed and change the newborn. If you could breastfeed, then we could swap roles”. And you could even say “or how about we bottle feed her, you can get up in the night and I’ll let you sleep in until 07:45 while I get up at 06:45 with the toddler - totally happy to swap” (I don’t think you would need worry about opening up a whole thing about whether you would be happy that your newborn would be bottle fed over exclusively breastfed at this point, as when faced with the option of doing all the night wakings I have no doubt he would have precisely zero desire to swap!)

Depends on the job really. I was off a year on maternity both times and we split the nights - had two terrible sleepers. I'd go to bed at 8pm and he'd stay up until 1/2 and we'd swap. We discovered we could live and function indefinitely on 4/5 hours of sleep in a row.

But my husband works an office job that he's done for years so was perfectly capable of having an extra coffee or two and getting on with it. I however couldn't drive the children safely if I didn't have a chunk of sleep.

Oh dear.

Tell him you will tot up how many hours of sleep you've had since dc was born and he can do the same.
Sleep fucking Top Trumps.. He is a knob.

I'm a woman actually.

My solution is that he does a fair share of childcare.

You are both working all day. You with a new born and a young child, him in his job. So that's fair. On top of that, there is the night work and the 'unsociable hours' early morning and evening duties to do, which need to be split evenly between you. As he seems to think the current arrangements work in your favour, ask him what split of those hours he would consider fair. Perhaps he would prefer to do nights, bringing baby to you to feed, but doing everything else, and you get up an hour earlier in exchange? But i suspect not.

He could take both kids one day at the weekend and let her sleep without bothering her.
he could do night duty - there are loads of ways she can sleep. He can latch and watch the baby, she’ll be so tired she will bloody sleep through it.
he could burp and change the baby.
they are both working - it’s just he’s getting paid and she is not. You’re meant to help each other be less tired not expect one to just suck it up. Jesus Christ.

When my second was a newborn our eldest had terrible sleep apnea that meant my DH had to literally hold him in a particular position all night every night for several weeks so he could breathe until he had adenoid surgery. Your DH is a parent doing a fairly minimal amount of parenting by the sounds of it. As parents, you're both responsible for taking care of the DC and one another, and at the moment that means he has to get up a bit earlier than he'd ideally like, poor dear. I'm sure you'd ideally like to not be woken up multiple times a night but you accept it as part of parenting. It's about time he did the same.

Whats amazing solution then oh wise one ;)

She wants to breastfeed, she stays up and does it ? Or do you want him to start lactacting in the evening ?

Being up 3/4 hours before he has to go to work every day is ridiculous and id be resentful too !

Who does want to?

Exactly. A very high number of men are sitting at desks with a cup of coffee and responsibilities that exist on a server yet this is trotted out again and again and again.

You don't understand, or you're just being obtuse?

Want to, maybe not. Have a duty to do the bare minimum for your own fucking child and spouse, yes you do. So tough, get on with it.

Lean into it. Praise him, tell him how well he is doing, and suggest he do even better by letting you sleep in until 9 at the weekend.

I would not want to look after a toddler when I’m getting ready for work so. Agree with him.

The move from one child to two is pretty challenging. I remember getting into a spiral of competitive tiredness with DH, because we both felt like we were doing all the work, which in effect we were because we were used to only dealing with one child.

I agree with PP about not getting sucked into this as it's never good for a relationship. Absolutely remind him that you cover the nights, and that whilst you appreciate him getting up with the toddler, it's only what's expected, and not a great feat of generosity on his part.

This. Which is exactly what I insisted on when DDs were little and DH got Sundays. Kept us sane.

Cant find the comment . But this is definitely a man. What has working got to do with parenting. Woman work full time jobs and continue to parent all the time. Of he was single and had kids then he would have split custody and do all the kid minding, housework all his own errands and food shop and all life events on his own . Working is the bare minimum. being at home with kids all day is also a full time job, do sahm not deserve a break from their full time jobs.

No your not being unreasonable. He is doing the bare minimum with his own child and complaining about it. My husband lets me sleep in most weekends if I dont get up before him and my youngest is 2. My kids still wake through the night most nights and i tend to them. I wake all kids up week days and do all the household duties, kids duties, cooking, appointments, errands and animals. When we have a newborn, he makes it a point to do all the night feedings when he is on his on his time off , when he goes back to work I do all night feeding through the week unless im completely run down then hubby does it, and on weekends hubby does it. Hubby's comes homes and cooks some nights and if the house isnt cleaned because I gave up through the day or wasnt home early enough to do it then he tidies up. Its a team effort to have children and as I said, you partner is doing the bare minimum for a child he helped create. Your not in the wrong. Its not like your sleeping all day and doing nothing. I only also sleep in until 7.30. I cant sleep longer.

Another one who liked the idea of being a father, but can’t handle actual parenting

Haha omg this is a man.
you know caring for 2 los is also a full time job, and actually the most stressful beyond being an a and e dr, even if it doesn’t pay?
be for real.

Wake him up every single time you get up. Make sure he is awake enough to understand what's going on. Let him go back to sleep. Do it again in an hour, or whenever you have to get up again.

Let's see whether he thinks you're having a lie in or not after that.

Yep yep yep! OP this is pretty much the situation we've had too, and still do 6yrs on! I'm a night owl so I do bedtime/packed lunches, he does dinner & breakfast, it works..hopefully for the foreseeable! It's all about fair division of labour and until he's actually experienced it, he won't know...suggest asap you book a nice weekend away and leave him with both ;) That said it's not a competition, even better book in some childcare so you can both have a night away, whinge to each other how hard parenting is, talk about nothing by the children, then fall asleep by 9.30 together 😂 Still worth it! Hopefully a small wrinkle in the blanket of life 🙃

I also have a newborn and am doing all the nights. DH gets up before me and gets my DH ready and off to school. DS has ADHD and is not easy to deal with. Then DH usually makes up a bottle so I can sleep. Baby hasn't been sleeping well, so I often sleep to 9, 10, even noon sometimes!
DH has not once complained. Yours is being a jerk. He's not getting extra credit for parenting his own child. Your work is enabling him to have both a job and children. He should be thanking you.