Dss girlfriend staying over

Your H needs to tell his son, that when he asked if gf could come over one night, it is not every night. That you )both) do not want to spend every evening with a stranger. She needs to clear up after herself, & its not a free canteen.
There has to be a comfortable middle ground.
Remember she may become DIL! so try to adapt !

They have the choice to stay and save or go and pay rent - I made the choice to move out because I couldn’t live under my parents rules

That’s the thing though, isn’t it? - for many young adults, it’s very difficult to just move out. Rent is proportionally much greater than it was when I was a young adult - and once they start paying rent, saving for a deposit to buy can be near impossible. Times have changed, young adults live at home for much longer than in previous generations. As a result, I don’t think that the rules our parents enforced are necessarily the rules that we should be enforcing today,

We said once ours DDs were over 18 they could have bfs stop once they were in a relationship (as opposed to dating) and we had met them several times. Tbh both went to uni so wasn’t much of an issue until they came back. Younger dd did have one bf that stopped a handful of times. Both are in long term relationships eldest moved out last year with her bf. They use to stay 2-3 nights with us and 3-4 at bfs. Youngest is moving out soon they stay with us around 4-5 nights a week. We have got close to both partners now having known them both around 5 years so are comfortable with them. It did feel a bit weird at first and took some getting use to.
For a early stage relationship like your dss I’d say a couple nights a week is plenty.

Dh should have said no at the beginning as early relationship - 2w is not living /sleeping together

if been a few months slightly diff

but yes rules. One weekend and maybe 1 week night so 2 nights to stay

That’s the price you pay - our young adults live with us rent free but there are rules - not many but we have our boundaries and we expect them to stick to those rules. They have the choice to stay and save or go and pay rent - I made the choice to move out because I couldn’t live under my parents rules - I didn’t blame my parents for not adjusting to my demands - we wanted to live a different lifestyle to them, everyone has a right to not have other lifestyles imposed on them.

DH and I co-own our home. We don’t just have random guests to the house for overnights. Guests are planned and mutually agreed.

a young adult living with parents doesn’t need to bring his girlfriend of the month home. If he wants that kind of lifestyle, it’s time to find a new place to live.

He doesn't get to decide to use your house endlessly as a hang out.
He needs to move out if thats what he wants

I feel so sorry for some young adults - some parents are very clear that it’s their house, and their adult children are just guests in it. I accept that adult children should be respectful of others in the house, but surely it’s ok to have friends/girlfriends over to ‘hang out’ as long as they are quiet and clear up after themselves. It’s tough on young people nowadays - its definitely not as easy to just move out the way we did when we were young.

My point was that she was an adult. I didn’t give an opinion on the situation, a note I said she can buy a house

Get her own place…..

Yanbu.
I wouldn't tolerate that and you have already tolerated too much.
He doesn't get to decide to use your house endlessly as a hang out.
He needs to move out if thats what he wants.
Think long and hard what is acceptable and TELL him that.
As for gung.
Tell him to clean it up.
He needs to take her to the cinema, go for a walk and do what we did.
We sure as hell didn't think our parents would tolerate being imposed up.
Funny how its not at her house?
Her parents have boundaries clearly.

Get a grip she is 19 a legal adult, she’s not 14 ffs,

She can vote, smoke, drink, get married, buy a house etc she is an adult woman.

Dss works full time and pays £200 a month which frankly doesn't give him any rights to dictate rules surrounding house guests.
He is very secretive about his finances having blown £13k on trading 18 months ago.

You’re right, it doesn’t.

I paid my mum around £250pm and understood that it was a privilege to be able to pay so little and build up my savings. It was my home but she owned it so I would never have disrespected her.

Start charging the girlfriend rent @Blankscreen. Give step son an invoice for her treating your home like a free hotel.

Several key bits of info that the OP hasn't provided...

Is the stepson paying any sort of rent or contributing to groceries or bills? If he is then he gets as much say in visitors as she does. (To be clear I don't think a healthy family dynamic would involve treating a young adult child like a lodger and making it clear it's not really their house; but if they're contributing then you really don't get to do that.)

Is there a timeframe for him to move out? I'm not saying he "should" have moved out by now, I know what the rental/housing market is like, but is he still at home because he's at university or saving up with a clear plan to get his own place? I think knowing this situation isn't indefinite would help the OP.

Is OP's toothbrush pristine and clean from gunk? A toothbrush left by the sink is such a non-issue.

You need to ask what you would find acceptable for your own daughter when she is the same age and asks for a partner to stay over.

You can’t have one rule for one and one rule for the other.

It’s not unreasonable to set boundaries and say only X amount of sleep overs a week are allowed.

I wasn't allowed anyone to stay over until I was married, I did leave home at 15 tho and when I wanted to visit I had to go alone. Even after I had bought a house with the man who eventually became my first husband w had seperate rooms at my parents. My brother stayed at home until he was25 and it was the same for him. Your house your rules.n

This may or may not be true, but 🤷🏾‍♀️.

I'm also not fond of people who lack boundaries. No-one needs to spend 5 nights pw in anyone else's home; when they have homes of their own.

Some level of self-awareness is necessary, so as not to impose on others. And people who lack basic cleanliness really ought to stay in their own spaces.

Um okay then, I’m entitled to my opinion

You think it’s the issue which is irrelevant.

My DS’s girlfriend stays at our house most nights, she maybe stays at home 2 nights a week. I don’t have an issue with it. They are respectful.

OP, could you suggest they watch tv in DSS’s room if you want to relax on the sofa? As for leaving a toothbrush on one occasion…is it really that big of deal? She probably forgot to put it back in her toiletry bag.

It is the issue, and saying things like “gunky”shows the dislike. If OP liked the girl sge would welcome her instead of throwing in subtle insults

Whether she likes her or not isn’t the issue.

I could really like my DS’s girlfriend but that doesn’t mean I’d want her in my home.

You obviously don’t like her

Suggest?

Whatever is happening here needs to suit you and DH. Decide what you can put up with and lay down the law. Suggest has no place here.