To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

And get paid!

I think it's clear she hasn't bonded well w/ her baby. While it can be overwhelming with little ones (I had a very colicky baby), there's still that ache of being away from them. At that age, if I needed a break, it was to sleep or shower, not to go to brunch or overnight. I'm not saying it's wrong to go hang w/ friends, but the lying and the hiding make me think there's something scary going on in her lack of bonding (PND) or possibly addiction - something is making her wish for escape, not wish to fix her baby's needs. I'm less inclined to think affair at this stage, but who knows?

By pure chance her partner was texting my husband about their weekend plans last night and her partner asked how I was managing with our two kids so my husband took that opportunity to mention I’ve been having their son 2 days a week as well- her partner apparently had no idea this was happening every week. He knew I had looked after him sometimes but had no idea it was a regular thing and had no idea it was full days. My husband asked how she was doing and he said she’s doing really well… so either she is putting on a really good front at home, or he is oblivious, or she’s putting on a good act to me.

So she's perfectly fine when her partner's at home. If she was that deep in PND, she wouldn't be able to hide it from her partner so easily.

Was the partner not supposed to notice his partner and baby are out overnight Sat and you were to have the baby? Or was she going to let him think she was spending the night with her baby at your place or her mom's or wherever?

That's 2 major lies she been caught out in.

the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

Could she be using street drugs? There's something up that's not PND and I would bet she's not being honest with anyone here. You need to pull back. You can't fix this for her and things look like they are going to get really messy.

She's taking the lot of you for fools.

Agreed - where did he think his child was going to be on Saturday night?

Either he really is useless or she has herself caught up in a cacophony of lies.

Poor baby of course it can’t be settled by mum - sounds like it never sees mum and hasn’t bonded to her at all

I’m confused about this too. Maybe he thought the baby was going to her mum’s, it sounds like this weekend the husband is out as well, so maybe he was happy with that arrangement. Or just never knew his wife was out too

I would point her in the direction of a good nanny agency and leave it there!

If her husband is oblivious to there being any issue and that other people are looking after his child regularly I’m really confused where he would have thought his baby was when she goes on this night out!

Surely he would have thought it odd that he was at home but she was leaving their baby overnight with a friend…

I was beginning to think that too about the possibility of her cheating on her hubby.

It’s all adding up to an affair

Reckon she'll be on OP's doorstep before long screaming about her blowing up her relationship. 👀

I also think she's having an affair.

Gosh, that update is a bit bizarre! Doesn’t it make you wonder what’s going on @Cosmicpickle ?

I’m starting to find this a bit odd. How did the conversation pan out between your husband and hers? Surely there was more said than ‘oh I didn’t realise cosmic’s been looking after my baby all the time.’ Was the sleepover mentioned? Surely her husband is now questioning where she’s been and what she’s been doing if you’ve been having the baby and would’ve been quizzing your husband??

OP, do you think she has substance abuse issues?

To me, this smells a bit of someone who is prioritising some time to use and nod off a bit when the opportunity to pawn the baby off on someone else arises. So she isn’t “struggling” which is why her husband has no idea.

But people with addiction issues (I speak as a recovering addict) are very good at passing the buck to someone else to get a few childfree hours to pop some pills in peace. Very few people want to avoid their children for the sake of it, but I can absolutely see this in someone with addiction issues. It’s very easy to talk yourself into ‘just a little me time’ when your judgement is clouded.

You sound lovely OP. Definitely something not stacking up here.

I have a 6mth old DD, my first, and was diagnosed with PND. It is absolutely brutal and the hardest thing I ever went through but I reached out to all the many services there are and got on medication and am, now doing much better. She needs to do the same, for her and her baby.

She's playing you for a fool. It's outrageous really, and you're helping her to the detriment of your own family

She is taking the piss. She is taking advantage of a lovely friend. Don't let her make you look like a mug.

Unless she is helping you in a similar manner, she's just using you instead of confronting her "partner" whose child and whose responsibility it is to raise.
I would have a conversation with her and set new boundaries.

@Cosmicpicklehow did the conversation go between your two husbands?

hers: how’s Cosmic getting on with two kids, it must be tough!
yours: it’s even harder as she’s got yours two full days a week!
hers: bloody hell, what?! I had no idea!
Yours: yes, it’s taking the piss really-I’ve told your wife it can’t continue. It’s not fair on Cosmic.
Hers: absolutely-I’ll talk to her, so sorry she has put you in this situation.

?

What was said and how was it left?

I'd be kinder than other posters and suggest the friend is taking the time to sleep and tidy up, so her DH is coming home to a tidy home, happy baby and a rested new Mum and thinking she's acing this, unaware that the OP is doing most of the baby grind. The friend needs to see a GP if she is in tears and unable to cope - maybe something as simple as a tonic, a blood test to see if she's anemic. OP -- you've been a super friend. Time for the other woman to step up.

Absolutely this. It is really quite bizarre, you are willingly participating in a totally one-sided "friendship".

Her husband not knowing you have the baby two days a week rings alarm bells about the way she reacted so strongly to your suggestion either you or your husband speak to hers. She begged and begged you not to talk to him about it - and now we know why, he wasn't aware there was anything going on and she wanted to keep him in the dark, for whatever reason.

It still sounds like she's not bonded with her baby and is very anxious about caring for him, which probably feeds into an unsettled baby.

I don't think it means she doesn't have PND, there's not one presentation for it. She's going through the motions and finding ways to avoid admitting she doesn't feel what she should, which must be exhausting.

I think you are doing exactly the right thing in showing and guiding but not doing it for her. Because knowing that she can't do it will be eroding her self esteem whatever she's presenting to the outside world.

You need to find out if she’s lying to her partner or lying to you

and the fact she isn’t telling him you have baby twice week makes me think she isn’t at home sleeping but sleeping elsewhere or less of the sleeping and more of the shagging

if she was struggling why didn’t she say to him