To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

Fair play to you OP, you've put things in place for a safety net - alerted HV, DH has put her DH in the picture. Hopefully you can step back and concentrate on your own family. Anyone in your shoes would hand the issues back to those concerned. I hope the little newborn is OK - poor little mite x

Sounds like more like 6 days off a week - I would suspect she's just been underplaying to OP how much her DH actually does. Weekends could well be Daddy Time...

Yeah but did you have 4 days off a week?

Honestly my mind would not have gone there knowing she has a 4 month old. I could barely remember how to spell my own name and showering daily was as far as I got with self care at that point.

she is struggling but you aren’t at the right stage in your life to step in. I say this as someone who gave a lot of support with a friend with a baby and a horrible DH but I was at a different point to you. You have 2 small children and it’s ok to say I can’t manage this right now.

She is having an affair. That’s why she wanted you to have the baby overnight.

Dont assist her on your own anymore. Involve your husbands in all contact situations.

She is having an affair. I’m telling you!

OP what happens when she has another baby and then you are left with looking after both of her kids,plus your own two.

It is her and her partners responsibility,not yours.She will happily get pregnant again knowing you will be there for her.

I'm sorry but she is really taking advantage of your kind nature. Don't fall for her tears,she needs to shed the tears to her partner who she made the baby with.

This is nuts! You said they aren’t newborn but they are 4 months old, that’s still bloody tiny! How old is she? And yourself? Why does she want to go out and leave the baby with you all day and overnight? Has she got postnatal and not bonded with her baby? You need to sit and have a chat with her about what is going on. This is not normal behaviour and she likely needs professional help x

I haven't RTFT, so this has probably been said before.

She's playing you all off against each other.

She lied to you and said that her mum doesn't help that much, when you know that she does.

Her husband also sounds like he's much more involved than she lets on.

She's been misleading her husband and hiding how much help you've been giving her.

Basically she's been telling everyone that they're her only real source of support, and guilting them into giving her loads of help.

None of this adds up. I was going to write a load of reasons why but then realised I would just be prolonging this nonsense

You don’t make sense in your post by saying you can manage, you don’t mind, and then you’re saying it’s too much.

I would make excuses how you can’t look after hers anymore if you just don’t want to. She is taking advantage of you.

Yes personally I didn't go out for a full year after my baby. Not saying mums can't but if you need to be begging for help, even when you have a DH, to do so it sounds like something isn't right and she's got her priorities in a very strange order. She's hiding something.

It definitely sounds like she's hiding something! Whether it's an affair, substance abuse, gambling... Who knows. I'm not sure it sounds like PND anymore? Kind of sounds like she's using OP and her mum to get time and cover up her problem from her husband. To me it sounds like she's hiding something big from her husband that she doesn't want him to know. Big red flags anyway.

Yep, you need to step waaaaay back and just enjoy your own children, and you know, settle your own baby! Just stop! It’s actually pretty ridiculous you have got yourself into this situation and are allowing yourself to be used. Grow a backbone

Wow.
Illness and sleep regression means that you are struggling with two now, so three is impossible - isn’t that the case?

Did her dh tell her that he knows you’ve been having her ds? What was her reaction?

Curiouser and curiouser.

I'm sorry not read the entire thread so probably this has been raised already but she has plans for Saturday brunch which also seems to have turned into a night out, such that you'd have her baby overnight?

Isn't that a bit epic for anyone, let alone a struggling new mother?

I definitely think affair and o think a few do too now! How did it go today?

It all sounds more and more peculiar.

Genuinely can't believe you have 2 under 2 and have agreed to look after another very young baby for extended periods of time and overnight. When my baby was young I used to swap some time with a friend - we each took each other's baby for an hour whilst we each did something solo. It worked well, but I'd never have wanted to look after another baby for more than an hour or so (except in an emergency or on an exceptional basis - but for that I'd make sure I wasn't solo). The babies got fractious after an hour away from mum anyway, breastfeeding or not. I don't think you should feel bad for saying no or prioritising your own family and needs. This set up is not normal. Even if your friend is genuinely struggling, that doesn't make it your problem.

I was thinking that pages ago. I even said it.

What a surprise. Her husband didn’t even know she was palming his baby off on her friend two days a week. Now I’m even more convinced she’s up to something.

Definitely tell her mum. You are kind and gentle, which is admirable, but the Mum needs to know the blunt truth and what your concerns are... or she might think "i'm sure this will blow over when she settles down." and adopt a wait and see attitude. She needs to know the scale of concern., even though this might feel like you are telling on your friend.

Also, OP.. I think the friend is treating you as if you are a close relative and therefore you owe her this service. But you don't.
From the description, I think she will be the kind of person to make every request an "emergency" or something that is "vital" and that you are the only person who can help her out and she is desperate.

It is much harder to turn someone down when they say that and they've left asking you to the last minute so they know you know that they have no other option and then it puts the whole thing on you.

It makes you feel that you are the person who is unkindly letting them down, they've laid it out that you (and you alone) could help them, you've proved it in smaller ways already, so why can't you help in this very important emergency when she has no one else to turn to? People like this are so persuasive, they see you often and so they know what you are doing and when you are free and have the capacity to step in.

But remember that its not an "emergency" if its happening all the time... They start off with small favours and somehow that makes it harder to turn down the bigger and bigger favours. The implication is, "You've looked after him before and he's happy with you - so you should have no problem looking after him overnight." Which is already anticipating any pushback reply you may have and demolishing it. It is really hard when someone establishes this method.

They make you feel like they will fall apart if you can't help them - just this once - because its so important.. and by the way its also just as important on Tuesday and Wednesday and next Friday. Therefore her falling apart is laid at your door if you don't help. It actually is quite suffocating when someone keeps putting their responsibilities on you. It's oppressive.

You don't deserve this. You deserve to enjoy this time with your two little ones, not feeling constantly stressed by someone else's ever increasing demands.

Her last minute demands really are quite deliberate, and its a clear pattern from your descriptions. Its manipulation, even if she herself doesn't realise it.
Yes she does has problems. And you've been very kind and supportive.
But you've established that amongst all this asking for help, she's been lying to you, and probably to her DH and DM too.

Its now become too much and not really helping her in the long run, so you shouldn't feel guilty about saying no. Remind yourself that she will survive if she doesn't get to go out on Saturday night or have you looking after her child for two full days next week.

Be kind to yourself too and prioritise yourself.
I'm glad your lovely DH was able to speak to hers and hope you get a chance to talk to her mum and hopefully you will be able to navigate your way through this and have a bit of peace for a change.

@Cosmicpickle Your baby has stability and routine whereas hers is being raised in chaos . I realise some babies are colicky etc and it’s obviously not parents’ fault. But this baby seems anxious. Maybe mum is struggling with PND or similar but she’s in danger of losing her friendship with you or making you ill . Can you gently tell her you can’t have baby for more than 2 hours and definitely not overnight. If she isn’t coping she could speak to GP or HV.