To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

How is she ever even going to bond with her baby if you have them all the time? not criticising you whatsoever, I cant even dream of having such an amazing friend that they would agree to this arrangement. I also understand how hard it is with a baby that has sleeping difficulties, cries a lot, etc.

However, it is crucial that she develops the skillsket to deal with this by herself. You handling the baby for her is ultimately enabling her to not get used to parenting and will continue to make her feel like shes struggling. I know you have good intentions in helping her, but it is her who is at fault for now fobbing her child off onto you two full days a week, without paying you 😐😐😐 my goodness me. I will never understand the audacity of some people. Expecting you to care for her infant baby who needs her so she can go on a night out and disguising it as being stressed and in the name of friendship. When her deadbeat partner sits at home acting like he isnt a father. Bizarre.

Having a baby is stressful and overwhelming. This is a pretty well known fact. Although, the ultimate issue here is that her partner is anything but, and needs a major kick up the arse or otherwise may as well just leave. Im really confused as to why people have kids just to fob them off onto whoever is closest the second they start 'struggling', as if parenting is supposed to be a breeze. I feel so deeply sorry for this baby, who isnt even allowed to be a baby and do baby things like cry and fuss without his parents sodding them off on whoever is free at the time. Im all about support, but there's a fine line between support and doing somebody's parenting role for them. Know too many of them.

Tell her youre not doing it anymore unless she pays you, or better yet not at all. Dont let her tell you shes struggling, youre struggling to manage your own two children as well as hers, when they are not your legal responsibility. Childcare is not charity work, its bloody hard, and if she bothered to spend a day with her baby she'd truly appreciate that. Remind her that her baby wants her, the mother, not you, the friend. They will never form a closer bond with this ridiculous arrangement at such a tender age.

You sound like such a lovely friend. You've helped her so much. You can definitely set some boundaries now as it's too much on you to do all that childcare. Honestly I'd be tempted to say something to her useless husband.

the way she responds will probably clarify whether it is honestly being overwhelmed or cheeky fuckery although I agree with the pp's that it's the night out that is tipping it towards the second. Any decent person would be responding with abject apologies that she's asked too much of you, as well as heartfelt thanks for everything you've done so far. If she replies along those lines I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. Anything else - guilt tripping, more sob stories, or even no response at all = CF.

I actually know someone who does similar for their grandchildren.

Mum on maternity leave, Dad works part time. 2 kids under 3. Grandma has them every single weekend from Friday morning - Sunday afternoon so they can "rest".

At least in that case it's an actual relative with no small children of her own but still fucking cheeky imo.

I agree that filling in the gaps doesn’t actually help her in the long term - no matter how needy she is, she’s the one who has to figure out as plan for her life! She can’t dump her baby on other people forever!

I don’t see the problem with your partner having a word. It’s not like your friend asked him to. He can mention how it’s affecting both you and him because you’re both exhausted looking after multiple small kids, the guy needs to step up, and would he like any advice on how to be a responsible parent and supportive partner.

She is struggling to cope, but not struggling to go out on the piss on a Saturday night .

I think she has your number , OP, time to set some boundaries.

I don't think she's meaning to take the piss, but she is getting more and more dependent on you - and that isn't helping her in the long term.

Hopefully she'll get some outside help but she cannot expect you to continue on like this.

She says in the OP

She asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc

Not sure when she expects @Cosmicpickle to catch up on her sleeping, resting and cleaning with 2 kids under 2 AND babysitting for her 2 days a week.

Honestly - I started doing similar for a friend. Had them after school and the odd night when she had to go away with work because her ex was useless. It because 4 years of 3xnights a week after school and 6-10 weeks of them living at mine while she travelled with her job. No pay. A bottle of wine a few times. When I said I couldn’t do it any more (family issues with my eldest) I was dropped like a week old turd. Never again.

What is she doing when other people have the baby for these very prolonged periods? It’s massive amounts of time not to be with your baby.

Precisely this. She's totally ripping the piss out of OP.
Why parent your own child when some other mug is prepared to do it for you

This bears repeating! Very true!

Gosh @Cosmicpickle you are a very good friend. Too good.

I'm interested in knowing what she is doing the 4 days she has childcare. Is she sleeping or is she working?

Agree with pp the husband needs a mega boot up the arse. I'd be tempted to have your husband say this is unfair on you (not just his wife and child!) and he needs to step up.

It sounds like she isn’t suited for caring for an infant. Perhaps her baby would best be placed with someone who can look after them.

This time with your own children being little is precious - speaking as an empty nester!!

Your poor friend.

Yes, of course you need to pull back, but I think if she's struggling to this extent I'd be more inclined to sit down with her and have a long talk about what's going on.

As for your husband telling hers anything....yikes! He sounds useless, and she's asked for him not to do this because her husband wouldn't like it.

Is there more going on??? Is she in some sort of abusive relationship?

I know it's not your problem to solve, but if she's struggling so much helping her to get some sort of proper help will assist both of you.

I have sympathy with her as I've had that tricky baby BUT she should not be putting so much on you. Like someone else said, i'm amazed she even asked you for this level of help knowing you had a newborn and another one at home.

I don't necessarily think she's a CF, she does sound like she needs to get some help from both GP and husband. But in the nicest possible way, I do wonder if you have enabled her a bit OP, just purely by being so available and helpful. As a new parent you have to learn to just get on with things and find your way, constantly relying on others is not going to help her long term. Also why on earth can't her husband have the baby overnight?? He's a parent too!!

The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

No, it's not your job to take on her partner's responsibilities. He's taking the mick.

You quite rightly spoke of mothers of twins being superwomen; I can't begin to imagine - but - has it occurred to you that, by default, you are in that position yourself two days every week, with two babies of the same age, plus a toddler?
What will she do when you reach the end of your tether, and she has not developed coping skills? A crisis situation is brewing, and somebody needs to call a halt.

She's taking the piss massively. Ive been down this road and had a couple of hours creeping up and up until it was full days. I was being made a mug of and you are too OP.
In the end I stopped answering the door (no mobile phones back then)
Honestly OP, she is taking the piss and you need to out your foot down

I coped on my own with my partner working away. I had zero help. It was all on me. It was all on me even when my partner was home. Then I got sick and it was still all on me. I was on very strong medication and for a period of time I literally couldn’t walk down the stairs with my baby so I would bring everything I needed upstairs and stay in my room.

What on earth is your friend doing that she requires that amount of help? I slept when my baby slept. I watched tv while feeding my baby and I did the dishes with my baby strapped to me in a baby carrier.

There was a period of time I didn’t drive so if I needed something from the shops I had to walk there.

You have two babies under two years of age and no one is helping you.

You need to tell your friend your toddler is ill and you won’t be able to come over. Then just stop going over.

Your friend gets so much help - you need to concentrate on your own family. Your friend is using you. If she can’t cope then things will need to change - but it isn’t up to you to make those changes.

And to be clear, my baby wasn’t easy - I just adjusted my life to accommodate them. Which is what almost every other mother has to do.

At least on that thread there is a genuine reason why the mother needs childcare though!

Yeah I mean it's funny how she's struggling so much she can't look after her own child more than 3 days a week yet she can manage to plan a night out a week in advance.

If her baby is still not sleeping and crying a lot, could you suggest she investigates baby osteopathy? I have heard it can really help unhappy babies.