To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

You did the right thing in texting, and you’ve actually done her a kindness. This might be what she needs to seek some support and kick her useless partner in to touch.

I do hope your husband is up to the task of really talking to this guy. He sees his time away from work as down time and takes absolutely no responsibility for his children? He genuinely won’t watch his own kids alone at night? He is a bad guy, and I hope your husband does not mince his words.

Men need to be the ones to call out the unacceptable behaviour of other men towards the women and children in their lives, because those men don’t give a shit how the woman feels. Men need to start acting here, and actually ostracising their friends who behave like this.

Well done for texting her.

I hope there isn't more than "just" useless lazy father syndrome going on there. Reading you say how she begged you not to say anything to him makes me concerned that there might be more going on beneath the surface, like domestic abuse of some kind. Something to keep an eye out for with her.

Now?
I can't imagine asking someone with a tiny baby themselves to look after my tiny baby, for longer than half an hour in an emergency.
Apologies if the thread has moved on, I haven't yet rtft

Helping this friend for a few hours twice a week so she can rest and clean from kindness has turned into a full days childcare and wanting overnight help!
Your kindness is being taken advantage of,you are acting as unpaid childcare for a woman with a husband who wont share the care of their baby.
You have 2 under 2 yourself and your friends requests have become too much.
Step back and decide what you want and need to do for yourself and your family. What help are you happy to give?if its one a few hours occasionally(specify times) stick to that. If you are finding caring regularly for a friends baby with 2 under 2 yourself too much ,say you are finding it too much.
Advice: reply to the latest request saying you are finding it too much to care for her baby on top of your own recommend childminder,nirsery or nannyshare/babysitter.
If she asks you by text reply by text.
If she asks you in person,reply in person.

So your friend pretty much has four child-free days to herself while her mum and you look after her kids? She ends up with no kids and you are struggling with three, including two very young babies? What a ridiculous situation! You are being far too accommodating and you having her child overnight because the father won't look after his own child either is just taking the absolute piss.

You need to stop doing any of this now.

She could have PND, although asking OP to keep her baby overnight so she could go out is kind of jumping the 🦈.

But that's above OP's pay grade. She's enabling her friend from seeker ng treatment by keeping the baby from what was 6 hours a week to now 16 plus wanting to leave the baby overnight so looking at OP caring for the baby for 24 hours, maybe more a week. She needs to urge her friend to seek treatment, not just kick the problem down the road which also is taking her time and attention from her baby and toddler who need that.

Even if she had no children young or otherwise she would still be the wrong person to ask for help. She needs to be getting the other parent of the child to do his fair share before asking for outside help. And even then any outside free help she sources in addition to her mums help should not be at that level it is.

She’s not a single parent.

It’s baffling how in this society so often more is expected of a woman who is not the child’s parent, than the actual father.

As others have said Op isn’t helping the situation in the long run. This is just a sticking plaster. This couple need to feel the weight of their decision to have a baby, keep protecting them from the full experience of it and before you know it they’ll be trying for a second child.

Your DH does need to be having a word. His friend's child is in your bloody house, it is pretty damn obvious what is going on with his lack of help at home. Tbf the request for an overnight is what should drive it: "Mate, why am I being asked to parent your baby, along with my own baby and toddler, just so your wife can get some rest? What are you doing that is so important you cannot look after your own child and expecting some other mug to deal with him?"

She needs to see a G.P first and foremost !! And maybe instead of u taking her baby u stay and help her at home tackle some stuff more time away from baby she will struggle to bond x

It's 25 years ago now, but I also had two under two, no parents or in-laws or any other help, a DH out at work all day, and not a fucking chance would I have helped with anybody else's kid when I had enough on my plate myself. Get real! She's taking the piss.

She clearly has a husband problem - this is not anything you can help with other than signposting appropriate support.

Unless your husband knows her husband really well and has known him for a long time it would be best not to say anything. He could make things worse. The fact that she has asked you not to should be your guide anyway.

it’s hard but sometimes the hardest thing is to realise you can’t fix everything - some things people just have to work out themselves.

You wouldn't be making things worse for her at all, she needs to stop being in denial about her useless partner.

Some posters are saying she's taking advantage, but the tears might not be emotional blackmail-could she have PND? If she is struggling, maybe she should be speaking to her GP. I get we're all different and would never judge a new parent for being tired, but if someone is struggling to cope and tearful a lot, they might benefit from medical support?

Poor woman 😢 She sounds frightened of him. You’re not unreasonable though OP, you’d be enabling his shit-ness if you continued helping.

Sounds to me like PND. She needs to visit the GP and her husband needs to massively step up.

Just wanted to echo that it’s not your responsibility to provide her with this level of support, and if she’s struggling, direct her to her health visitor to get support and advice.

I woujdn’t be surprised if she vanishes or gets angry now you’re withdrawing this help. Be prepared for this. But remember, you’ve been a great help to her, but she’s not your responsibility.

I think you are a lovely friend who is going above and beyond for someone who is possibly pushing her luck.
You are not enjoying time with your own children because you are helping your friend. I would definitely not keep the baby overnight and would go back to the 9am to lunchtime. Is it possible to speak with her mother, since she might not realise just how bad the situation has gotten?

Jesus YANBU

Her partner needs to step up, all the help being given to her is further enabling him to be shit.

What a lovely friend you are @Cosmicpickle

So this useless man has two women doing what he should? I absolutely would step back OP and say exactly why. Her husband needs to start parenting - not you! Your friend is facilitating his behaviour and it’s not on. You are not this child’s surrogate father.

I'm glad you have told your friend that the current set up isn't working for you and no to the overnight. As hard as it is to say no, you absolutely have too, because actually long-term, you aren't helping her deal with the real issue, which is her useless partner.

She has to speak to him, make him aware how much she's struggling and that the baby is his responsibility, as much as he is hers. Unfortunately, there seems to be a huge amount of men out there who thinking looking after children and chores are women's work, and holding down a job is enough.

I know you feel guilty, but you have bent over backwards to support your friend, whilst having two very young children yourself, to look after. It's much much more than a lot of people would have done.

I think you need to encourage her to seek some support from her GP, as it sounds as if she could have PND.

She probably said to her partner / husband that she wants to go on a night out and he said "Just ask @Cosmicpickle to look after the baby as she does 2 days a week anyway". It probably wouldn't even occur to him to look after his own child.

It's probably got to the point now where it's just second nature / expected. Need to catch up on sleep, get some cleaning done, nip to the shops? Just drop the baby off at @Cosmicpickle house. Never mind the fact that she has 2 kids of her own and we can't even manage one between two of us."

No way! After 4 years?. Some people are unbelievable.

Nope. Just a mug.