To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

OP - you need to cut right back. Obviously you have been doing way over the above and beyond and it needs to stop.

But I think many PP are being harsh on your friend, who quite clearly has PND or is not coping due to some other reason.

This can't be supported by you providing more and more care and running yourself ragged - or compromising your time with your own children.

She MUST talk to her HV and GP and be honest about what has been happening and that she isn't coping.

Taking on ridiculous levels of care of her baby is just enabling her to get worse, and will affect the bonding with her baby,

You’re a saint, definitely time to pull back

You sound like a lovely friend but you are not helping long term by providing this level of support. Your friend needs to tackle whatever is going on for her as well as the issue of her partner not being supportive and being an active parent. This poor baby should also be bonding with their parents not you.

It does however take a village to raise a child but you have done much more plus your own children are very young still.

You're being taken for a fool.

I agree with all the above posts . We all find it hard as a new Mum but we just have to deal with it . I had 4 and no help whatsoever. It was the 1970s and most men thought it was the mothers responsibility to look after the kids . I had no choice and didn't h ave the option to be struggling or in tears. You are being taken advantage of you must know this .

One small baby is a piece if cake to look after , tell her you can't manage it anymore It's beyond ridiculous that she's expecting this of you .

Out of interest OP what is she doing when you have the baby and then her mum has the baby?
Is she working? Or working in the home? Or catching up on rest? It's a long time to not be with her 4 month old.

I'd also let your DH mention it to the woman's DP, he can hardly acuse you of being unreasonable when he can't even step up and look after his own DC.

Your friend should be pleased that you want him to know, if she is struggling and it turns out she is suffering from PND she'll be able to get the help she needs from professionals, and her DP will be part of that.

If she doesn't want to seek professional advice how long does she expect you to look after her DC for?

You sound like a lovely friend but the old adage put your own oxygen mask on first etc. maybe you could guide her to support places , I’m old , but like her health visitor , and yeah her husband sounds like a piece of work . Good luck x

Just lie and say your eldest is ill with whatever and is ill for 2 weeks and then the baby got it and its been a horrible few weeks and that you will then be keeping your kids away from other kids and babies as you dont want them ill again

So she basically has free childcare on the bzck of you and her mother 4 days a week?
What the hell am i reading?
You are an unbelievable mug that needs to mind herself before you get sick.

I think it would be better if you let this relationship go as she is absolutely a user.

Put yourself and your health and family first.
Honestly I have never read anything so ridiculous.

You must have the patience of a saint, she’s absolutely taking the Mickey. Helping someone in the first few days and weeks is one thing but she’s really overstepping the mark. You need to start saying no and be firm.

This
I am not being insensitive when I say that many first time mums have to deal with the same and just have to cope, irrespective of how hard it is.
I don't know anyone who has had or expected that level of support from anyone.
Needs to stop OP, for the sake of you and your family

Giving her the benefit of the doubt..

I think she has become more and more reliant on you and her mum. 4 days a week she has help from you both. She sees it as the easy option, rather than sort her own life out and the more you do the more she will ask for, as its easier that way

Its now time to help her help herself, stand firm and point her in the direction of self help

No, she's just weak and socialised to defer to men.

HE's the one taking the piss - out of the op and out of his wife, who he is exploiting like the abusive mean selfish prick he is.

@Cosmicpickle- if she’s prepared to leave her 4 month old for 4 days a week, she can go back to work and pay a childminder. In fact that would be the best thing she could do with a shit partner.

Say no to the overnight and say you also need to take a break from the week time care now as it’s too much for you. You can add that you are a little hurt she’s never offered a break for you - suggest she pays for childcare.

Just read your post back to yourself OP. Seriously ask yourself whether you think you’re being unreasonable (you’re not!!).

Just another one to say YANBU. I struggled massively: my partner worked 12 hour shifts (and was pretty useless when he was home), we have no family nearby and my son was a dreadful sleeper. However I wouldn’t have dreamed of having a friend do free regular childcare for me, especially one who had two little ones of her own! She gets help from her mum two days a week as well so it’s not like she hasn’t got any support.

Well done for putting boundaries in. If the response is anything other than “no problem, thanks for all you’ve done and sorry if I’ve asked too much” then she’s not the friend you deserve. You have done waaaaay more than pretty much anyone else would.

Who, me? I'm saying it's not on!

Do you find you're able to settle her baby better than she can?
Maybe she needs advice about how to get her baby to nap.
I think that "difficult" babies can sometimes be the result of maternal anxiety.

Same. Before now, I've seen women who have a decent man been made to feel that the extra capacity this creates is a resource they should share out. This has the same vibes.

I really feel for the friend though. Her DP is a useless fucker.

Op, how is your friends health? Could she have PND that she’s managing to mask? I’d be asking her how she is and I think I’d even speak to her mum and see what she thinks.

This is absolutely ridiculous. You said her partner isn’t particularly helpful but she has her mum helping 2 days a week plus you’re doing 2 days a week so what is she doing for those 4 days? She’s not catching up on sleep from 9.30-5.30 is she. And why does she need you to have the baby overnight so she can go out? Surely she’d be back home by 11/12? Surely this is impacting your own family and the special time you have with your own children. Totally and utterly wrong on all levels

You are so obviously not being unreasonable. In fact, you've been TOO reasonable. You should have been winding down the hours you were available to help, but instead she's grown more dependent on you and is now taking you for granted. It's time to put your foot down and say no.

THIS

I was just about to say the same thing sadly.

It’s like lifts. Once you tell the person you can’t give them a lift any more after months of putting yourself out for them, they become offended and act as if you’re being totally unreasonable.

You are a much better person than I am OP! A few hours occasionally as a favour for a close friend, but what you describe is a ridiculous abuse of your good nature! You need your life back.