To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

This must be a hard "NO" from you, OP. It can be said in a friendly way, with a smile, but "NO" it must be. If she's stupid enough to ask you why, tell her "I'm not able to do this for you anymore." That's it, no apologies OP. Dont feel guilty. Step right away.

You are a lovely friend but you and her mum have allowed the situation to continue - she needs to get the health visitor to help her with sleep / attachment etc

Good luck

First of all, well done for sending the text.

I’m glad your husband is also going to speak to her husband and explain this is his job to do. Hopefully it will work! This is something that health professionals should be doing as standard I think - drumming this into dads.

You have to take the most enormous step back. No overnights, no full days, no regular sessions at all. You’re not a nursery - in fact she could book and pay for a nursery now if she’s struggling! Many start at 3 months.

You have a baby of the same age, plus a toddler, and should really be able to ask the same amount of help back from her that she asks from you.

Asking you overnight is just an utter piss take! I know she’s struggling but really and truly, who thinks that’s ok? And to ask you in preference to the child’s father!

Free Nanny? Now Night Nanny? No way!

Well done for sending the text. I wouldn't be surprised if you got a 'guilt trip' response - stand firm OP. You can be good and kind friend without being a pushover.

You have done more than anyone should be expected to, plus she has her mum two days a week. PLUS she has a DH. If that level of support isn't working for her, she needs to take some responsibility for speaking to the GP and finding out a way to move forward.

If her response is arsey, don't get upset. Just send something straight back along the lines of 'Come on. We both know I have helped out a LOT so please don't try and guilt trip me. it's clear that you are struggling and DH hasn't stepped up, I am happy to get my DH to have a quiet word or to come to the GP with you to see if you can get some professional support. I don't want to fall out over this, but it's too much for me now"

Good luck.

Well done for replying and saying no.

I think a word from your H to hers might help. Even if you're H goes supportive rather than confrontational.

This is actually a genius response! I was in a similar situation a year ago where a friend started to take the piss with expectations for my help. I gradually withdrew, became less available and funnily enough my friend is coping just fine. Crucially I no longer offer, and if she asks I don’t respond immediately.

This is a most bizarre situation to have got yourself into. Please be strong if she replies to your text or rings you and tries to guilt-trip you into not ending this quite frankly absolutely diabolical arrangement.

She needs to go the GP for possible PND, someone needs to give her DH an almighty kick up the arse, and failing that they need to pay for a childminder or nursery for childcare.

Please don’t fall into the trap of doing this again, and get your DH to back you up. Also don’t tell her, or anyone who knows her too, that your DC are good sleepers/easy baby and toddler to give her any leverage to ask you to take her baby again.

I'd do the overnight so she can enjoy a night out but I'd stop the regular childcare. These years with young DC are precious, you should be able to enjoy them yourself without extra commitments.

And we have found the modern day Denise Best from the Royle Family!

She will be sorting out a godmother soon to help with the other weekday she needs someone to take baby off her hands help, as constant baby-sitting is "one of the godmother's duties" 🙄

Just say NO!

I stopped reading at "her partner wouldn't look after the baby overnight so she asked me".

Absolutely ridiculous, time to say no.

Where is dad sat ?

She’s def taking the piss.

It sounds like she has PND and hasn’t bonded with her baby at all - she is trying to escape looking after him as much as she possibly can. If you agree to the weekend, she will drop off 9:30 on Saturday and won’t come back until Sunday night.

She does need to see her GP, but yes she could also look into going back to work asap and putting her baby in FT childcare. Perhaps her mother can switch to doing Saturdays and Sundays, then neither she or her DH will need to do any parenting beyond bath times and night feeds (which will be falling off after 6 months). That is obviously far from ideal, but far better than her poor baby being parented every day by somebody who can’t get far enough away from him.

Good for you sending the text. It's hard to turn people down when asked for help but I do agree she is becoming expectant and angling for more. It's a good time to say, "Actually I was looking to step back."

Hope she responds well.

This absolutely.

Absolutely ridiculous. You have more on your plate that she has. Say no.

My advice may be a little dated but back in my days of parenting….
a “fussy” baby was a baby you got used to carrying holding slinging and while
help was deeply appreciated you did not leave your baby with someone else
for hours unless you were working. This baby needed you his mum and you provided the safety net of consistent care.

she may have another baby. Sometimes mums who aren’t coping well or have difficult baby are the very ones who have more. This solution of hers is not sustainable for you.

if she has PND she needs medical
help not babysitting.

it will be difficult for you OP since she is your dear friend but you need to do what’s best for your dc. Not hers.
I would not have your DH say anything to hers. I feel this strongly. He knows and she knows he’s doing nothing and I suspect this is much more complex dynamic in their
relationship.

They did a study and many friends who are giving and who seem strong are being taken advantage of or people don't even think of checking in with them because they seem like they have a good life and don't need help. I think that's what your friend sees. Your struggles (because who doesn't have them) seem to her like nothing compared to her own so she feels entitled to your help. She's also irresponsible, it would have never occured to me to ship my baby to someone else, especially someone who has 2 of them unless there's an emergency. But regularly and for a full day or night! And why is she not asking her own mother? Shouldn't the grandmother be more interested in spending time with the grandchild?

How many people get to go out for the whole night and leave 4 month old? Thats just not very usual and odd to ask a friend with 2 under 2 to have him. She has to sort herself out or seek medical help

She, her DH and her DM are all taking advantage of you. It is one thing to help out in an emergency but on a regular basis, particularly when you have a little one of your own, is simply taking this piss. And to ask you to have her child overnight so she can go out on the lash???? Words fail me!

I totally agree here. This isn't as hard as you believe it is. You are way way way too nice, but it has to stop now. Stop giving this support so that you can concentrate on you, your babies and your family. She and they are not your responsibility. And if social services have to get involved? That is not your responsibility either.

So you do two days and her mum does two days. So she hardly has her baby at all! Absolute cheeky fuckery, and a lousy mother to boot.

You need to mention this to the health visiting service as she may be experiencing post partum depression. These babies are just a few months old, not many women are happy to pass over their little 4 month old to someone else to care for, for full days, while they do nothing. It would be more understandable if she needed to work but you haven't suggested this is the case.
It suggests something has gone wrong in her bonding with her baby tbh