To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

The lying about her dm is a red flag. She's playing you.
She may be regretting being a dm but bit late now.
I don't think mentioning it to HV will make it a safeguarding concern? Might be am idea? I wouldn't tell her own dm though. That could escalate?

She really doesn't see anything wrong with begging someone who has 2 kids to look after her 1 kid so she can rest and go out on the piss?

Absolute chancer. She's no friend.

Be very mindful about going over to her house to support, OP. I had a “friend”
who would invite me over for play dates, and disappear to do her own thing elsewhere in the house (batch cooking in the kitchen, eg), leaving me with 4 kids to watch—my infant & toddler, plus her infant & toddler. She also did similar at park play dates—leave her toddler in the swing next to me, so I had both toddlers and my own baby, whilst she was relaxing on a picnic blanket and having a chat with someone else. Needless to say, we aren’t friends anymore.

If she’s willing to pay you could she simply pay an actual childcare service? 4 months is early but it’s at least worth trying to find someone. If she could find full time she could get back to work, which might suit better if she’s struggling with the baby.

Likely doesn’t solve the underlying problem but gives her the space she needs.

I think your offer to go there so she can shower etc then do something all together is really kind and ought to help a lot. I’m surprised she hasn’t accepted that and agree it suggests something much deeper than the usual baby challenges. If she won’t tell you what’s really going on and won’t visit the gp or do anything to actually help herself there’s not much you can do right now. I’d just keep reiterating what you can offer sustainably and keeps saying that you’re there for her when she’s ready to talk about it properly.

I’m so sorry she turned up at your home, how difficult for you. I’m glad your DH is supportive of you. Together you need to stay strong and stick to no longer having her baby. Quite honestly it wouldn’t be in anyone’s best interests to keep helping her. You need to concentrate on your own family and she needs to concentrate on her family.

Text her again and tell her to ask for help from the GP or the HV and then step away. I definitely wouldn’t involve yourself any further by talking to the HV or her mum. Completely distance yourself and enjoy being a mum to your two DC.

This needs to blow up (it’s not your fault) and you need to stop covering for her.

She is being a pisstaker.

I’m a single parent and had 2 under 2 (both high needs). I wouldn’t have dreamt of asking a friend to help out like that. Nevermind if I had a partner.

I imagine you’re not getting overnight help so you can enjoy a night out? Looking after two 4 month olds and a toddler at the same time sounds like hell and barely possible.

Just be firm and tell her you can’t accommodate any further help. Lie if needs be and say your baby is becoming restless and not sleeping well on a night.

We only have this women's word for it, she doesn't want the OPs husband to talk to him which may be because he is abusive OR maybe he is actually very hands on and it isn't the case he sees time as his own and rather when he gets home from work the friend gives him the baby saying she has had a hard day and it's now his turn, therefore she doesn't want him knowing that she is getting a lot of external help.

It sounds like she needs help and I think raising it with the HV is the way forward and addressing it as a safeguarding issue.

You are absolutely mental. No way would I have taken care of another person’s newborn while on maternity leave. Not even once.

What if something happened?

Text her back and say ‘get some professional support, talk to the health visitor or ask your gp for help’ and stop immediately and do not ever ever mind her baby ever again. Ever.

I know! I’d have laughed!

It makes me wonder if shes working on those days?

I would gently suggest to her that she checks with her Gp whether she might have PND, she needs help and support but with the best will in the world Op you cannot keep this up. The best way to support her is to support her to get some sustainable help. You are an amazing friend btw 💐

She’s taking the piss. Her partner isn’t the total arse she’s making him out to be and she doesn’t want anyone to realise she’s playing Peter off against Paul.

This cannot be real. If it is, you really need to grow a backbone. Is she paying you? Not that it makes any difference. Tell her there will be no more watching the child. You're done. Maybe if she is still struggling her mum can come more.

She is taking a major piss.

I don't think she wants her partner to know how much help she is getting. She may not be telling him. As you said, she even tried to downplay her mum's involvement to you...

You are right to not offer more help. Nothing is going to change in three weeks time. I think you should reply to her texts quite firmly. 'No. I can't do that, I don't have the capacity for it and the emotional pressure to commit to something I can't do is not fair. Please stop asking."

I also think you should gently press her on why she won't see a GP and why she won't let your H speak to her DH. If it IS because he doesn't know how much she has been leaning on others, you could (if you felt inclined) get your DH to not be specific about that, but instead approach from a place of care: "Me and Cosmic are concerned that XXX is struggling. I know Cosmic has had the baby to help a few times, but she seems to need more support than that." or however he would say it.

I call women like her tiny tears -
don’t give you will be looking after this & the next one that comes along until they are adults.
do speak to her mother about your concerns - but stand firm

If OP has known her for years and she has always been lovely I'd wager that OP can likely make a good assessment of whether she's genuinely stressed. You'd have to be an extremely proficient actor to convincingly pull it off otherwise. Doesn't sound like it's a quick bout of the waterworks when required. She genuinely sounds like she's struggling.

Not saying it's OP's problem but framing the friend as vindictive and trying to stir things up isn't helpful IMO.

Where the fuck is the partner in this. Sorry he is a lazy bastard. It is not your job to babysit his kid when he is at home doing fuck all. Another fucking piss taker. Point this out to her as well.

Well done OP you are a kind person but she needs to learn to parent her baby herself or seek some professional help and support. It’s not fair on you your children and indeed her and her baby. You are doing the right thing holding firm and I think I would let her health visitor know. She can decide what to do with that information. Please try not to be guilted into changing your mind it won’t help anyone in the long run.💐

YANBU. It’s not fair to you or either of your children. She needs to learn to get into a routine or ask for help. That maybe sounds harsh, but it’s what every new mum has to do, no mater how “difficult” their baby is.

I definitely think you need to highlight it to the health visitor Your friend isn’t coping, and needs help. She shouldn’t be palming her baby off onto you or her mum. You wouldn’t be overstepping the mark by doing this. It’s a safeguarding issue for both the child and the mum.

She is not a friend. She is taking the absolute fucking piss. You need to tell her that this arrangement no longer works for you and you have other priorities. Tell her she will need to ask family in future. Tough shit if she does not like it. I will bet she has never offered to help you out. What a fucking piss taker.

It's a great idea to talk to the Health Visitor, as others have suggested. There is a baby in the middle of this. Questions need to be asked.

It has made me question really whether if she is downplaying the help she gets from her mum, maybe she is also downplaying the help she gets from her partner

100% she is downplaying it.

She doesn't want any of the 3 of you to know about each other.

She sounds like she has played you all very well, clever lady, and is worrying as now it is ending and she will have to parent her own child

How difficult Cosmic. If talking to her DH isn't an option, could you talk to her Mum about how vulnerable she seems to be and how she's refusing to seek support?
It must be such a pressure on you with her insisting that only you can help. She's not making good choices at all. Hopefully you're able to continue to resist her demands - you've two 2 littles yet she's refusing to seek any external or family support.