To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

Goodness, how did our foremothers cope with several young children?

She's TTP.

The sad thing about helping is that it can become taken for granted, expected and even abused.

It seems much more likely that she's palming the kids off on her mum, partner, you and maybe someone else. I bet all of them, you included are doing much more than their fair share and thinking she's got no one else.

Could you contact her health visitor for some support for her , she sounds as if she’s struggling but you need to step back a bit . Would she go to mum n baby group or go together and gain a bit of confidence in her own ability as a new mum , it’s a hard one .

You’re too much pls stop this nonsense!! Even if she was a single you have 2 under 2 come on!! Concentrate on your family. She’s a CF. You have done your part and she’s just taking the piss. Don’t help anymore!

Not sure why the combative response?

Most of us do manage, obviously. She will need to learn to manage too. My point was wondering whether she has avoided spending much time alone with the baby at all yet. Either way, by helping, the OP has (with the best intentions) not helped, so is doing the right thing now.

Can your husband talk to the other husband and say it is not sustainable. He sounds extremely selfish given what your friend is telling you however, your husband may get a different story.

Has your friend been checked for depression after the birth. It sounds like she wants to detach herself from the situation she is in as much as possible. Palming her baby off on as many people as possible is a very big red flag something is not right.

It could quite plausibly be birth trauma, PNA or OCD and attachment issues. Time will tell, I suppose.

I’d never held a small baby before in my entire life until I held my own, nor bathed or fed, or knew any mums with small babies. My H was not involved.
I did not park my new screaming baby with anyone.
I didn’t sleep
I managed, as we all do

This is really sad. My intuition is telling me that your friend is struggling hugely and just wants time away from her baby no matter who it is. She just wants to be away from them. I would place a bet that her husband doesnt know that you have been looking after the child. That's why she doesnt want you to tell him .
I definitely think you should speak to her mum. And pull baxk completely on the help . I know it sounds heartless but she is never going to get through this by just farming her child off to someone. She's got to face it

I’d really love to know what your friends who are also attending the brunch think of this. I just can’t imagine her going and them all saying ‘oh it’s a shame cosmic couldn't make it but she’s got the baby’ what would she say? Oh yeah she’s looking after mine as well, she’s got the baby all afternoon, evening and over night too!

I just can’t get my head around this!

Wow, I'm actually shocked. It does seem like your friend is starting to take the piss now. She needs to speak to her husband and demand he looks after HIS kid during her big night out. Me personally, I'm one of those friends that will actually tell him (her husband) myself. And I'm somewhat laid back and introverted. Until pushed to my limits that is. It seems like you're at your wits end. It's not fair on you. You shouldn't pay the price for the laziness of someone else's husband. That's mad.

Can't she bring her child to a child minder or nursery instead?

No idea how you are putting up with this, I mean I’d feel sorry for her if she was a single mum & needed support but she’s not. She is taking the piss. Your time with your own babies is very precious & your hubby is working hard so you get to do that. You won’t get that time back. It’s super kind of you to help now & again but honestly even a regular 9-1 is a bit much if u ask me. I would say, ‘sorry Jane I’m finding looking after Jack really difficult right now with my 2 being so young. I’m not going to be able to help as much from now on, I hope you’ll be able to get your husband to help’ and really stand your ground, say yes once in a while so you have a support network too but honestly this is nuts.

No advice, i just wanted to say what an amazing friend you are . Enjoy your holiday, you deserve it!

You’re just too kind which is lovely but now she’s taking the piss , she’s got to start looking after the baby fulltime someday so I’d back off

I agree I don’t think it sounds like she has PND.

What was she doing all day from 09.30-5? That seems a huge amount of time?! Plus her mum 2 days a week she has more than enough time to catch up on sleep.

I do not believe for one minute that she has PND. You need to step away and let her family deal with whatever is going on. Kindly, you should have set clear boundaries from the very beginning, particularly since your own children are so young. Can you really not see how she has taken advantage of you? She says she is too stressed/anxious to take care of her own child but is well enough to attend a brunch with friends. Stop feeling guilty, ignore her calls and if she texts begging for help then forward it on to her mother and/or husband to deal with. She is not your "friend". Enjoy your holiday.

your energy and effort is subsidising another persons family and enabling them to continue their uneven and dysfunctional marriage
say enough is enough, that it’s up her husband to help now
what a piss take honestly

It's starting to sound like she is up to something and trying to get the child out of the way.

There's nothing to stop you from saying you will help her out but only if she is also present. No more dropping the baby off with you or picking them up. Then at least you know what she's actually doing with the time rather than just taking advantage. But I do agree here that this has gotten a little past a joke tbh. I've never looked after another person's kids for free. I got childcare qualifications so that I could be paid for that kind of stuff

although he does agree she is struggling he doesn’t believe her partner is as useless as she says he is, they are in touch quite frequently (have been friends for years and now play together in a football thing on a weekend) and apparently he does often mention their son, talks about his sleep, maybe he is useless and does nothing but maybe not.

Your DH's views of what a new mother needs in terms of support, what he thinks his friend does, and what his friend actually does, may all be very different things.

If your friend needs more support than she's getting, she needs more support, however much her husband talks about his son's sleep. It's HIS job as your friend's partner, and his son's father, to give this support, or help find extra support.

Not your job.

OP you’ve done so much already.

what do she do for work before having her dc? Might be best she goes back to work sooner rather than later and uses paid childcare.