To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

Hope you enjoy the holiday 💐

OP, what’s she like with her baby in your company? Is she hands on, stressy? I honestly do not think it’s PND, and as awful as it sounds, I think she’s lazy. What if you were struggling with the 3? Would it matter to her? I hope you have a lovely holiday but honestly if she has a go at you because you’ve gone away I’d drop her asap!

You need to put your foot down and the baby's father needs to move to first gear.

I’ve booked a lovely lodge in the Lakes for me and the kids next week to just take myself out of the ring completely for a little bit, I know that might seem cruel and selfish but after your replies and chatting with my husband last night I think actually maybe if she is confronted with the reality for a week, if it is PND she may be more likely to realise she does need help.

I hope you enjoy your time away.

That you feel leaving town will get you away from her demands for a time shows how far this has crept from a simple watching her child for a couple hours occasionally to a major issue crossing big boundaries and causing you distress. It's healthy to have boundaries. You have 2 under 2. It's not selfish or cruel to concentrate on your own children.

For whatever reasons, she's trying to dump her baby onto others and that needs to be addressed, not enabled.

Noooo! Put the brakes on this madness asap. Also it’s just such a huge responsibility to have a tiny baby for so long, anything could happen and it wouldn’t be your fault. You need to enjoy your babies too. Her behaviour is shocking!

Sorry but you did completely misunderstand the other person's message, I noticed it too. You might want to reread it before telling her it's "odd".

It’s a great idea to go away. She is completely disregarding your children and you. Honestly I’d stop responding to texts and calls. The HV knows, you could also contact her mum or her husband if you are genuinely concerned but really she is taking the Mickey and you deserve to be enjoying your own two children.

Break the cycle with an “illness” (preferably Friday lunchtime toddler contagious sickness bug & feel sick all week) then say your going out of town for shopping/ visiting someone so can’t have baby then joining a baby group, going to bounce and rhyme with your own kids. Then your tired as yours is having 4 month sleep regression.
After a few weeks tell her she’s doing a great job and your glad she’s found her feet as you we’re becoming exhausted.
It’s a massive ask to expect someone else to look after two newborns and a toddler at once especially as the person your actually helping is the husband to be lazy it’s his job to support her sleep and help care for there baby. You stepping in is supporting him not to step up he should be left to look after his baby and learn how to care for baby. Also if she’s ok enough to be going out then she’s not really needing the support she’s using you as free childcare.
You are supposed to be recovering from child birth and bonding with your baby not her free Nannie tell her no she’s taking advantage.
I had a friend like this and looking back I regret putting so much time and effort into helping with her kids when I could have spent it with my own.

Agree. Teenagers go out. You can wee in peace without someone yelling "Mummaaaaaay" through the door and have a lie in at the weekends. I can cope with their issues as long as I get personal space and some sleep

So it’s okay for you to struggle instead? It’s not like you haven’t got your hands full too. You need to tell this ‘friend’ that you’re in danger of burning out and she needs to pay someone for this level of childcare.

This is totally unreasonable when she has a partner and family to help. She’s abusing your kindness and it doesn’t sound as if it’s ever being reciprocated. When do you ever get to go out? Knock it on the head, pronto!

You have an obligation to your own children and family, OP.

You've done the right thing, reaching out to her HV, and now you need to make yourself more unavailable to 'help' .. or in this case, step in repeatedly because she doesn't want to parent her own DC for whatever reason. She may be genuinely struggling or she may just have realised this isn't the life she wants. Whatever it is, it's not your problem to solve.

I hope your DH gives her DH a heads up about what's been going on. It does sound like she's been exaggerating the lack of support she's been getting, and that probably includes his support.

You are a good person OP. You’ve done all you can for your friend, I hope the professionals step up for her. Enjoy your break in the Lakes, that’s where I’m going too. Weather looks good as well.

I think you've misunderstood me, my point was OP is being taken advantage of. Yes i do have DC, many SEN challenges.

It’s not your responsibility to provide free regular childcare for your friend. She really needs to sort out the dynamics within her own home and it’s her husband’s responsibility to step up to care for his own children not yours. Any additional support needs to come from her parents, his parents or childcare. You’re a kind friend but you have more than enough on your plate with your own two little ones!

This is far too much to ask of you ..you sound like an amazing friend but you are being unfair to her and yourself by not being honest.
Tell her this has got too much for yourself you have your own 2 children it's outrageous her husband is selfish enough to watch her put on you and not step up himself... anyhow he is her problem.
Stop now before you get major resentment setting in and the friendship comes to an end.
Set some boundaries this isn't your place to be doing this.
Her mum helps .. its more than some people have she is taking the pee.

Edited to say I agree, friend probably has PND and needs help

I don't think the continued character assassination of OPs friend is helpful. OP has already stated this is very out of character and friend has never been a cf before.

I wouldn't be surprised if she has PND and hasn't bonded with the baby at all . Honestly when I had PND with my second all I wanted to do was lie in a dark room or drink. I certainly didn't want to look after my baby, and I didn't feel any bond with him until he was 1. Obviously it may not be that but certainly seems like a strong possibility to me.

Sorry I haven’t read all the answers. Could your friend have post natal depression? You mention she’s in tears a lot and has little support. I absolutely don’t think the answer is that you do more. But perhaps gently raise it with her and rein back the support to whatever feels manageable for you. But signpost support eg health visitor and maybe as others suggest do something with all the babies to build her sense of being able to cope.

Not everyone feels that way.

It's well documented that in the 1850s to 1960s when large families of close in age children were most common, that they didn't cope particularly well. They coped better than we do now because:

a) they were expected to do less parenting: children were left to fend for themselves more and mothers were not expected to engage as much with children as they are today.
b) multi generational households were much more common, mothers were rarely parenting alone
c)collective parenting was much more common, whether grandparents, aunts, neighbours or other.
d) expectations of women were based on family and the home. Women did work, but it was often in the home or with the children in tow.

As each of those were slowly eroded, parenting has become harder, both perceived and actually.

Prior to about 1850, having lots of children close together was actually pretty rare.

If she can't cope with a baby, how on earth is she going to cope with a teenager! Babies are the easy bit!

I think it sounds like a sort of learned helplessness. It’s very unusual and not something you can help really @Cosmicpickle I think removing yourself is a good idea.

She is useless and she is taking the piss.