To give sister home truths

Oof this hit a nerve. Its tough with sibling relationships, and I'm sorry she's treated you this way tbh. I don't think it sounds like you even had a 'go' at her, you were just honest and said 'hey look, I'm always there for you, why aren't you there for me?' And thats fair enough. The fact she got upset and hung the phone up would have me waiting for an apology tbh, on top of the fact she hasn't bothered with your birthdays the last 3 years, but to miss your hen do? Would royally piss me off. Not like its something you can do every year, and you were there for hers so you would expect it would be reciprocated.

What I will say is that a lot of people, and very commonly youngest siblings, have a tendency to cry to get out of things. Its the most subtle form of manipulation and often they dont realise theyre doing it. I work with a woman who genuinely cries and gets upset whenever anyone says anything to her about what shes doing wrong. She once allocated all overtime to herself when she knew everyone else needed hours. She was confronted about it and started the crocodile tears. They do this to make you look like a complete twat if you carry on confronting them while theyre 'so upset'. Dont fall for it! Say "I can see that you're upset, it wasnt my intention to upset you. However, the matter at hand still needs addressing, when youre calmer".

I would not stand for this OP. I would tell her that she has upset you (rather than annoyed) because you make the conscious effort to ensure you are free for the events and occasions that matter to her. Yet, when you have important events/occasions that you want to celebrate, such as your once-in-a-life hen-do, you would expect she shows the same gratitude and turns up to show she cares and values you. Tell her it wasnt your intention to upset her, and youre not attacking her, you just want to talk about it.

I have an older sister and she is very difficult. Definitely doesnt have a heart of gold. She resented me for having a child before her and has barely spoken to me in the last 4 years since, despite always maintaining she didnt want kids. Go figure. I hope you work things out with her, its not worth falling out forever over but perhaps a learning curb for her to strengthen your relationship and be more supportive in the future, as you are for her.

My eyebrows were raised at going on her week long hen "week" abroad when you have young kids tbh.

I don't think a lot of women would have the aura of thinking her hens could all spare a WEEK for a hen do. Madness. Unless you're all extremely wealthy and don't work that seems quite a huge ask of people. Very.... Main Character Energy.

YANBU to call her out. Perhaps apologise for the delivery but not the message.

I'd also be surprised if it's totally by chance that she's been away for the last THREE of your birthdays. 🙄 You know when your sister's birthday is.

I'd scale back on her much effort you make going forward and match her energy.

She is self centered. She doesn’t have a “heart of gold” as you put it because she never lifts a finger for you or is even aware of the imbalance in the relationship. Its partly your fault as you treat her like a cute toddler whose narcissistic self involvement is to be expected and indulged. For her own good you need to draw the line and let her know what normal expectations are. And that she is failing to meet them.

You say your sister 'expects' you to be at all her birthdays, her week-long hen do etc. But does she really expect it? Or does she just indicate that it would be nice for you to be there? Because I'm suspecting it's more like the latter than the former, and those are two really different things.

I think you go to her celebrations because you have some internal sense obligation, not because it's 'expected'. And that's on you, really. I think you've been martyring yourself a little bit, probably unnecessarily, and kidding yourself about what she actually 'expects'.

Of course she has booked a holiday when it's your hen do on purpose.
As she has when it's your birthday.
To me she doesn't like someone else being the focus.
Don't apologise. Stop making excuses re her behaviour. Stop making a fuss on any occasion she is celebrating.

Don’t apologise. She’s really thoughtless. Start matching her energy - you don’t have to be rude but she gets you a generic birthday gift, you get her a generic birthday gift etc.

Don't apologise. Yes you're all reaping what you have sown but (hopefully )it's not too late.

Let her stew, tell her you're fed up of the energy she puts into your relationship and from now on it'll be different.

If you don', there will be no pulling her back.

My sister tends to be the only person who has a go at me. And generally she has a point and here you definitely had a point...

We don't particularly socialise but with sisters who do, I think the hen party is the one event that they make time for and put effort into attending and making it memorable for the bride.

It's the inbalance that's the issue. My sister is unhappy if I miss one of her family's birthdays but ignores my family birthdays. So I do get why it bothers you but I've had to let it go, the relationship as a whole is the main thing. But missing the hen is out of order. And again, I say that as someone who didn't have one!

What does your DM feel about the situation OP?

She NEEDS someone to get angry with her. She NEEDS to know that her behaviour is inadvertently and very hurtful.

People have pussyfooted around her all her life, and it's very obvious that that had done her no favours. You were entitled to be angry, you were honest, and she needed to hear it.

she's my family so it's different

That's what she's counting on.

No, it's not different. She should be treating her family with love and respect. You're getting disrespect and rudeness.

It's about time you called her out. It's ok to be pissed and raise your voice when you've been treated poorly. You're supposed to be her doormat, of course she's going to be upset when you call her out on her shitty behaviour instead of fawning over her.

Do some reading on the Golden Child and Scapegoat. See if anything resonates. But you do need distance from her.

She's done what?! That's unbelievable. She's been very thoughtless towards you. It's not surprising you're disappointed.

Don't back down. Give her time to think about her selfish actions.

You’re the one who should be upset! She should be apologising to you.

I was really upset because I thought she'd see it as a priority. It's not a cost issue, and I don't think she did it on purpose, it's as if she just didn't think of it.

Are you absolutely sure about that, OP? It should have gone in her diary the same day you told her, if you have the relationship you're trying to convince yourself you have. On the strength of this little stunt, I'd be having serious thoughts about having her as a bridesmaid. You're her sister. She's treating you like a work colleague she doesn't like that much.

I think that’s an important realisation in terms of changing the dynamic — that you’ve trained her into this imbalance, that she expects you to prioritise her stuff, but thinks it’s natural not to prioritise yours. You will need to be the one who changes the expectations.

I feel bad for upsetting her and we don’t usually have that sort of relationship

Yes you do, it’s just that it’s normally you who is upset. When was the last time she apologised for upsetting you?

I don't know if I went too far saying I was so annoyed. She was upset and I feel bad for upsetting her and we don't usually have that sort of relationship

But you are annoyed (and rightly so).

Why do you feel bad about upsetting her. She has upset you by being thoughtless. I doubt she is giving it one second of headspace - neither should you.

As usual the first post nails it. Perhaps OP, she's using the appearance of being upset to manipulate you? Why do you feel the need to apologise?

You are perfectly reasonable to feel upset and perfectly reasonable to let her know. Don't you dare apologise!

It's really rubbish that she hasn't prioritised your hen do. I would be really upset about that OP. You've spent too long protecting her feelings and not making a fuss.

But she NEEDS to be upset! She needs to recognise that YOU are upset too by what she has done (or not done). Why are you still babying her?