To give sister home truths

The total lack of apology tells you everything. She doesn't see any reason to change anything in her life for you. She sees you as a character in her life, for her use, not as a person in your own right with your own life. I know you don't want to fall out with her but I'd find it very hard to keep going as before.

She is very self absorbed and cannot be wrong.
Have no doubt that she will feel the very wronged victim in all of this.
But why wouldn't she?

This is how she has been reared.
To be the most important one, mothers favourite.

You are deeply conditioned to expect little for yourself.
You have children, be careful of passing down to them that it is ok to be treated poorly by people who should care for you.

Ask yourself honestly, is this what you want for your children in their future friendships/ relationships?

All giving in one direction?
I don't think you do.

Our children watch, see, hear, absorb.

On the sister thing, another friend had a sister that was similarly self absorbed and was very focused on herself and her life with her husband, travelling and living a great life. She would visit briefly, regale them of her fab life, with little interest in anyone else.

At 39 they wanted a family and when she found out she was pregnant they decided to move home after living away for 18 years.

Everyone was very happy for her, but when the baby arrived they really expected her two sisters with late teenage children to be available to give them time off, babysitting etc.
She expected her two nieces to be keen on babysitting too.
Her husband was no better, expecting his side to step in so they could continue to have a great social life.
They were both deluded.

Neither of them had EVER babysat their nieces and nephews, having never been even slightly interested in them.

Their siblings were all past the baby stage and had zero interest beyond an initial cooing.
They were all busy with work and their own lives and neither were interested in slotting in weekend babysitting now that they were finally enjoying some freedom themselves.

Their teenage children all had part time jobs and had no interest whatsoever in giving up their weekends to babysit, and my friend refused when her sister had the nerve to demand she insist.
Firm words were had, and a clearing of the air.
They loved her, were delighted she had her baby, would definitely be there in an emergency, BUT, they all were long past that stage and had zero interest revisiting it.
They certainly weren't going to be telling their 19 year olds how they should spend their Saturday nights.

Her sister admitted that she had thought they all would be "thrilled" to help her.
She was wrong.
Many women having raised their own children, have little interest in babies.
I'm definitely this person as is my friend.

Her sister now has a very busy toddler and herself and her husband have adapted somewhat, but very quickly decided they were one and done.
They go on a lot about how permanently exhausted they are, so stopping at one was wise.

Focus on your friends and these relationships and hopefully space from your sister will help you set better boundaries and expectations of how you should be treated.

Long term this will serve you well.

Sorry op. She sounds very self absorbed. Definitely don’t make yourself available for her birthday going forward nor give her generous presents, match her energy.

Op, yanbu in the slightest, and should imo have it out with her. She is being a dick.

But I wonder, were you her MOH? Was she expecting to be yours?

If yes to both, maybe shes upset about it?

Still, i think you need to have a proper go at her and tell her to cancel her holiday. Sorry x

I'm totally with you on this. I think it speaks volumes that she didn't even bother to reply to your MOH. Didn't want to lose face I reckon.
Btw, is there a reason you didn't choose her to be MOH? Could she be annoyed about that?

She's just using you as a doormat and as other posters have said, she's self absorbed and only thinks of herself. Do not apologise!!

I have several friends that had younger sisters like this.

When they had toddlers they were nowhere to be seen. No time, no interest and actually found the children an annoyance at family gatherings, even though they were only 5 years younger.

Then they have children themselves and decide they want to visit my friends, hang out at theirs and user their children as entertainers for their busy babies and toddlers.

My friends had to spell it out that they did not want drop ins, their children had neither the time nor the interest at the weekend to be used as entertainers.

It's been brutal. Particularly as my friends made it so clear to their parents that any interference would not be tolerated.

It has been a very steep learning curve for all three younger sisters.

I think it was their lack of tolerance for their children when they were young more than anything that stung, rather that offers to help out.
Definitely reaped what they sowed there.

I suspect I probably am being unreasonable because I shouldn't expect her to be there if she doesn't want to be but then I should have given less to her. She's my only sister so I just don't know.
We are in our 30s before someone says we sound like kids!

If DS doesn't want to be treated like a child, she shouldn't act like one.

Seems like you (and likely parents) are reaping the products of the entitlement seeds you sowed years ago.

She sounds self obsessed and more than a bit of a CF!

DO NOT apologise! if anything, she needs MORE of a wake up call!

She's being a crappy sister.

You are well within your rights to be upset.

If she doesn't come back with apologies and make amendments, it's time for you to stop prioritising her as much as you do.

You have every right to tell her why you’re hurt. How she responds to that is important.

Well summed up. This thread has absolute potential to become a ‘shall I go no contact with family’ in another few years when any children who come along aren’t treated equally, the sister’s family are all that matter and the DM is only interested in keeping the peace rather than behaving more fairly.

one can never assume from a post similar family dynamics as their own, but this one has red flags everywhere for me. The OP has got some hard years ahead, if it genuinely is as I suspect it to be.

Do not apologise for being honest with her.

guarantee she is waiting for everyone to back down, this (once again probably) validating her shitty behaviour. Put a stop to it.

Absolutely no way should you apologise. She's so entitled and has you running around pandering to her. You organise your life around her to the extent you are going away for a week for her hen do and leaving your young children.
Time to pull back from her rude behaviour and start putting yourself and your own family first. Your parents seem to indulge her entitlement too.
Start putting boundaries in place otherwise your children are next in line for such treatment.

She SHOULD BE upset. Don't apologise, don't minimise. You have indulged her shitty, self-absorbed behaviour for far too long. It's not good for her. How do you think her life will go if she behaves like this in all relationships? Time for a dose of reality.

gosh I hope she’s not one of your bridesmaids

It’s completely understandable why you are hurt and I would be too in your shoes.

For some people, celebrating birthdays is a huge deal, for others it’s not. Is there any way she may have thought you’re not as bothered as her about celebrating? I might be clutching at straws here! The hen do is hard to fathom and very hurtful.

What’s screaming out at me from your posts is she is treating you in a way in which you wouldn’t treat her. You’re considering her feelings in response to you telling her how you felt. You want something back and the hurtful behaviour acknowledged. This is all very normal behaviour from you in my view.

I think you feel bad for upsetting for her because she’s the favourite and so you’ve been conditioned as a child to always keep her happy, ‘see her side’ over your own and that her feelings matter more than yours. You were taught the care goes one way because you are the older sister. But even as kid and as especially as adults, sibling care should go both ways.

Unfortunately if you continue to grow a backbone, expect your parents to side with her eventually and to pressure you to make up with her to ‘keep the peace’ (note that they probably won’t pressure her to apologise to you). Don’t listen to them.

There a reason she is the way she is and it’s your parents. They spoiled her and taught you to do the same. You probably do rightfully feel a lot of resentment deep down, but you buried it as child because you had to.

I think keep asking yourself, does my sister care about me, and if she doesn’t, why should I care about her?

For example, you care about being there for your sister on her birthday and hen do so that she feels happy and loved on these occasions. But does she care about your happiness?

You care about your sister being upset and text her to tell that to her. But does she care about you being upset?

No "sorry I didn't realise it would upset you"...

OP, I have news for you, she did know that it would upset you but she DOESN'T CARE. Everything as far as she is concerned is about her. You are dealing with someone with narcissistic tendencies who has been indulged all of their life so far. Stop doing that. Just remember that you have nothing to apologise for.

You need to hold firm on this, she’s waiting for you to climb down and make her right, she’s a grown up now, not a child and she’s not treating you well. It is the right thing to set boundaries and expectations,

Now you have upset her once, you will do it again as you stand on your own two feet. She will throw a tantrum, just like a 2 year old does when it’s told “no”. She will have to learn a new way of living just as you are. Remember, you the appliance, have faulted.

If you don’t learn to build a bridge and get over it, the level of angst you will set yourself up for will take up too much headspace. Figure out how to just shrug your shoulders and carry on with your life when the occasion warrants.

It is interesting how family dynamics develop. There is often one person where people walk on egg shells around to try and please them and keep them happy. Please don’t apologise. You have done nothing wrong.

And in a healthy family dynamic, a good airing of views helps clear the air & everyone moves on.

Honestly, sweeping things under the carpet just lets the issues linger & get more ingrained. Which is fine, so long as you're the one taking the piss.

This.

She’s being really unfair to you. She’s got all the main character energy and you have a walk-on role. Time to even things up.