To give sister home truths

It is honestly shocking, who plans a holiday and misses their sisters hen do, it's so inconsiderate and dismissive and although not at all on you, I'd be embarrassed in front of my friends if ny sister did this. Is noone else in the family or friendship groups saying anything to her? Or you? I'd be stunned if one of my friends or family sisters did this. It's not on

This! And good luck.

Do not apologise!! You have nothing to feel guilty for, let her reflect on what you have said

Decline the dinner.
Stop listening to your mother who complains but who has created this monster.

I think there is nothing to be gained by saying a word.
It will only cause drama.
Your sister will act victim and your two faced mother will play both sides while totally being on your sisters side.

The clever thing to do is not say a word.
Just withdraw.
Stop listening to her.
Step back.
Match her energy and live your life.

The alternative is this negativity souring your life in the background.
You cannot change your sister, she is now formed, selfish and entitled.

You don't need to fall out, just step away and make her a peripheral part of your life.
Invest in other relationships.
It can be done very successfully.

God she sounds just awful. Very self absorbed. Why can’t your mum say no to cooking the dinner, or perhaps you all should just not go? When’s her birthday anyway? Remember to do exactly what she does - just said a card.

When is her birthday?

You won't fall out for not attending. You are going out with friends. Just like she is going away during her own sisters hen do.

The nerve of her. Don't attend, try anything to stop your mother from making the food. She’s supposed to be a guest.

She's self centered.

⬆️👏🏻This!!! She’s a grown ass woman acting like a spoiled, self obsessed, petulant child.

Not all younger sisters are like this! I became an aunty at 16 when my older sister had a baby and was thrilled to bits. I adored my niece, which then became nieces. Used to regularly babysit and help out as soon as the eldest was born.

Not your Mum repeating a habit of a lifetime by pandering to the tyrant while moaning about having to do it, even though she doesn't 🙄

Your family created this monster by never holding her accountable and guess what? You're all just going to carry on doing the same thing.

I would honestly lay a lot of her behaviour at your mother's door. You have said that your mum always favours your sister and has done from childhood. The family dynamic is that she is the 'golden child' and you are the 'scapegoat'.

The fact that you and your sister are close and haven't fallen out before this is because you have bent over backwards to ensure that you never do anything to displease your sister. You have always put her first, just as your parents have done. If she's done anything to upset you, you have just sucked it up without complaint. I bet that a lot of this was because that was what your parents expected you to do.

You quite rightly felt that your hen do was important and that surely your sister would do the right thing this time and put you first. Your disappointment is understandable but you are still trying to see the best in her. You have described her 'having a heart of gold' but her entitled behaviour would indicate otherwise.

You need to stop pandering to her and putting her first.

Your sister sounds self-absorbed and spoilt. It’s all about her and to hell with how anyone else feels. I wouldn’t fall out but I would take several steps back and match her efforts. If she complains then maybe she’ll understand how she’s made you feel.

It has a huge whiff of narcissism IMO.

And parents that have indulged them and put them first see nothing wrong in expecting the other child/children to be available for caring duties etc.

I have seen a lot of this with favourite sons being the adored cossetted one and daughters just being expected to step up when required.

Two of my friends, after invaluable therapy, found the strength to move just that bit further away, and go full-time as their children hit seconday school.

Their parents had favoured the other grandchildren providing endless childcare, and when they were no longer needed expected their daughters to step up as driver to them.

Moving just 15 minutes away and upping their hours meant they were not available and able to say "better ask my brother about that".

Of course they still care about their parents, but after 50 years of being othered, they are happy to remain in the background as they age.

Could you give us some examples of her 'heart of gold'?

It amazes me how little self awareness some people have. It can't be all take and no give, forever. Your mum has enabled this behaviour really but you've started standing up for yourself now and that's good.
Not going on your hen do is awful. Make sure you do the same when it's hers.
If she only wants a relationship where she gets fawned over and you get nothing, that's not really on. Not any more.
Don't expect any support from your parents in this; they are totally conditioned to put her first, protect her feelings, keep her happy, at your expense if necessary. I've been there! Anything that deviates from the "sister first" policy will be mean, petty, nasty etc. It isn't!
I am totally done with my younger sister for a similar thing. She is only interested in being the centre of attention and milking people for support in all forms. Nothing comes the other way. Our 75 year old mum is running herself ragged trying to keep her sweet including doing all her housework. It's very odd.

Agree entirely. Not apologising to you is really poor behaviour from this sister, but proof that she is a selfish, thoughtless person.

I remember this thread when it came up originally and I see from your update @NCNCNCNCNCNCC that you've not actually got an apology from your sister, which is terrible.

Have you had your hen weekend yet? She sounds so selfish and like most people have said on the thread, you need to start having boundaries with her. If you see some of my previous posts, I had a similar issue with my cousin, my only (older) cousin who was very selfish and became cruel when I started carving out my own life. Main character syndrome all round.

If you haven't addressed it, tell her again quite clearly that not attending your hen despite you giving her the dates is incredibly hurtful (was it deliberate that she booked the holiday or thoughtless?, either way it's a shit way to treat your only sibling).

Don't apologise. You have nothing to apologise for. Match her energy. Minimum effort for birthdays in future and any other events. If she complains, say, well I'm just matching what you do to me.

People who have a heart of gold don’t act like your sister. The pattern seems clear, she can’t cope with someone else being the centre of attention. That is deeply unappealing. You have nothing to apologise for.

So the hen do has been and gone? How did it go? Did your sister not refer to it at all when she was on holiday?

I’m looking ahead to when she does have DC and how everything will be about them, then as your DP become elderly and need support - she will expect you to do the grunt work.

If she can’t be bothered to attend your hen do are you still having her as bridesmaid?

Your sister is a Princess, look how she went on about a cousin missing her birthday!!!

Seriously you need to spell out to her that you a disappointed that you matter so little to her, not even enough for her to apologise to not attending your hen do.

Does she have children yet?