About mothers day getting weird with my brother

Don't worry about her expectations. She is an adult and can handle it. That's not your responsibility. Focus on your brother and keeping him on the right path. I see so many children of neglectful parents and it usually ends badly so it's nice to see one given the opportunity to turn it around. I would be curious if she raised you the same way. I see a lot of older siblings in these dynamics that are parentified.

She was going to put him into care, no wonder he feels upset

She's hurting. Probably realises that she's a crap mum. You stepping up and doing a better job doesn't help her, but that's not your fault.

It's as simple as that. Keep calm and carry on.

Well done for being such a great daughter, sister, and mum. Life isn't easy, but you seem to be doing very well in difficult circumstances, and your brother appreciates this.

OP, does she receive any benefits for him? She doesn't give you any money but does she at least give you the child benefit?

Given how he is when he comes back after seeing his mum, I think that's really worth talking to him about in between visits. I imagine he has very mixed feelings about his mum. You're doing a great job with him. If he finds it difficult to talk to you then could you suggest he types everything in to ChatGpt and ask for advice on how to deal with his mum and his feelings? I know everyone on here hates ChatGpt but it's brilliant for this sort of thing if someone finds it difficult to express their feelings openly.

…..i’m a bit stuck with what she expects exactly….

I think it’s fair to say she can ‘expect’ all she likes but you are not obliged to make any changes at all OP. Except maybe to ignore the tantrums and histrionics from her.

You have got him back into education.
You are raising him financially as well as emotionally and socially and doing a fine job of it. Your mum has absolutely nothing to complain about. She should be thanking you.
She can’t have it both ways.

Please do not let her spoil the work you have already done. Do not let her diminish your brother either. He went astray because of her lack of investment in his welfare. You picked up the pieces and he has also done well to engage properly again. It’s a crucial time for him now. I’m glad he didn’t have to witness her tantrum yesterday. Shame on your mum for not valuing the efforts you have made and the love that you have shown him.

Sounds like you are doing a really good job which your brother not just appreciates but openly acknowledges. Well done ! You are being very good to him and I'm sure it's not easy, he's still 15.

As for your mum, she is reaping what she has sown whether intentionally or not and her focus needs to be on rebuilding the relationship with him on an arms length basis.

You should also be receiving his child benefit. If you are not, you should take steps to sort that out. Do you have any sort of guardianship / ability to take responsibility if anything happens to him or he needs support as a signatory?

Firstly you should made a claim for child support as your brother is living with you and I assume you are happy for this arrangement to continue. Child Benefit can be backdated for up to 3 months from the date you make the claim so make sure you claim that. Also, whoever claims will get National Insurance credits towards their state pension. The credits can fill gaps in your record if you’re not working or do not earn enough to pay National Insurance contributions. So this could be pertinent to your situation.

If you decide you don't need this money, you could either save it for your brother or give it to him as his allowance, so he has some money of his own - a good opportunity for him to learn about managing his own money.

Lastly, I hope you did actually thank your brother for his gift and card and acknowledge his thoughtfulness and what he was saying though his gesture. He sounds like he is doing well and I think it was lovely telling you how much he appreciates your role in his life - he's no fool, he knows who is really the responsible adult here.

I can’t get past the fact that your mother wanted to let him go into care. I appreciate teenagers are not easy but this situation clearly shows she was a dhitty parent to him. He is so lucky to have you as a sister and it sounds like he appreciates it and understands it. You have done an amazing job with him and it sounds like he is thriving. Ignore your mother and jet her sulk. There is a reason why her son doesn’t prioritise the mother who wanted to send him into care.

Did she really say “did he give anything to you?” That suggests she already knew or is feeling shame/guilt at how you’re handling him better than her.

Either way honestly I think you should have lied. What possible benefit is there in her knowing?

You sound as though you have done an amazing job caring for your brother and it is lovely that he is appreciating it. Keep doing what you are doing and treasure those presents - they are well deserved.
Your mother might be angry because she feels guilty. In my experience people find it easier to be angry than sad.
Your brother is very lucky to have you.

I can see why your young brother has been acting up. If was having to cope with an infantile mother and he tantrums and sulky behaviour it is no wonder he went off the rails. Leave your mother to her sulking and let her be the one to make contact.

Thanks for the update OP. You are an incredibly good person balancing the precarious line to try to keep everyone happy. However I think for your own and your brother's wellbeing it would be better to stop putting as much effort into keeping your mum happy, who is clearly very selfish and a crap mother. It would be OK for both you and your brother to reduce your contact with her as it doesn't seem to benefit either of you and is actively detrimental to him.

If you feel you can do this, it would be good if you could talk to your brother again in a more positive way about the gift and card he got you on Mother's Day - PP is right that your response of "you didn't have to" - while true, could be percieved in the teenage brain as a rejection. It's true that you aren't his biological mother but you are the person in his life who fulfils that role - you are acting as his mum as much as an adoptive or foster mother would and he needs to know that he has that love and support from you that he ought to be getting from his actual mum, and that it's OK for him to think of you that way if he wants to.

How lucky your brother is to have you and not have had to go and live with strangers. It was a strange thing your mum asked and the fact she thought to ask probably indicates how well she knows you have stepped into her shoes, regardless of your intention. It sounds like your brother needs to hear the arrangement is no longer just “for a bit” but that he can consider himself at home with you.

Oh dear, so it’s okay for her to send a birthday text but not okay for a Mother’s Day text. Unbelievable.

My DH has a disengaged mother, although no where near as bad as yours. Don’t underestimate the emotional damage a non caring mother can cause. I wonder if counselling would help, would any be available through his school I wonder. Poor kid, and you as I don’t expect you were treated much better.

This🖕

I'd cut her right off, go full NC, and let her sail in her own sea of selfpity. She sounds like she very much made her bed.

Your mum has signed out of any engagement with her son. Everytime he visits her, he's set up for disappointment and failure as his expectations of any change or improvement are never met. That is on HER. There is NOTHING wrong with him!!! Does he have to go and see her? If he wants to, perhaps talk to him about not having those expectations, because she's not able (or willing!) to meet them.
If he doesn't want to, support him in NC with her. She sounds incredibly toxic - whatever her reasons or background for it, she is NOT a good mom.
You're what's saving your brother right now - prioritise him (and yourself!!!). Do not engage with the toxicity and appalling behaviour of your mom. You only have so much bandwidth - and her fun'n'games should not get any of it.
Your poor brother -- and poor you! I hope you realise how incredible YOU are and your brother is!

Have you at least arranged for child befit to come to you not her? It’s about £100 every four weeks so not loads but at least will pay for some bits. You sound like you’re doing such a great job don’t worry too much about appeasing your mum she sounds hard work.

She doesn’t sound very nice. He gave as much effort to Mother’s Day as she did his birthday. Thankgod he has you. Because he must feel completely rejected by both parents

Is it actually a problem if WW3 starts?

To be honest, it sounds like you'd both be better off with your Mum in your lives less, I'm not sure I'd be able to resist telling her exactly what a crap parent she is, and then leaving her to stew in her own anger.

I think your mother sounds awful OP, thank goodness your brother has you. Poor kid

You have done nothing wrong, your mother on the other hand…..

she should be grateful she even got a text bearing in mind she kicked her 15 year old child out and has basically had nothing to do with them since

your brother wanted to do something nice for you and has done

Your mother should be ashamed of herself, probably it’s anger and embarrassment who knows

Let her sulk. Do not make first contact

OP hasn't returned to the thread but on the chance that this is real I'd say that OPs mum sounds like either she has very poor emotional intelligence or has very poor reasoning ability.
Imagine becoming stroppy with the person who is raising her son for her.
I hope that that she is at least giving you some financial support (even if it's just his family allowance?).

Enjoy your brother's appreciation, you have earned it.

Yes there's the side of the young woman who has stepped into the breach, rescued her teenage brother and her mother from a difficult situation and actually got her brother back on track.
And there's the side of the woman who gave up on her teenage son, was prepared to send him to live in foster care with strangers because he,was too much trouble for her.

Which one do you think deserves recognition on Mothers' Day?

OP, you have done nothing wrong. It's no wonder that your brother wanted to recognise what you have done for him and the effort that has taken. Your mum should think herself lucky that she got a text message from him to mark the day. She has failed him, although tbf, she obviously did OK bringing you up.