Page 2 | About mothers day getting weird with my brother

SubtleSnake · 2026-03-15T22:34:17+00:00

Hi all This is a bit awkward and i’m not sure if i’ve handled it wrong tbh so hoping for outside views. My younger brother (15) has been living with me FT since last summer. Long story but he was having massive behaviour issues at home, school refusing etc and mum basically said it was either he went into care or could he stay with me “for a bit”. That was 8 months ago and he’s still here. Dad hasn’t been involved for years so that’s not an option. It hasn’t been easy but he’s settled a lot actually. Goes to school most days now, eats proper food, normal stuff like that. Anyway today obviously mothers day. I woke up and he’d left a little bag on the kitchen table with chocolates and a mug and a card saying thank you for looking after him and “being more like a mum than anyone”. I honestly didn’t know what to say. I told him he didn’t need to do that and that mum is still his mum etc but he just shrugged and said he wanted to. Later i met mum for lunch (this was already planned) and somehow it came up because he’d texted her just “happy mothers day”. She asked if he’d done anything for me and i stupidly said yes he’d given me a card. She absolutely flipped. Said i’ve clearly encouraged it and i’m trying to replace her which i honestly haven’t at all. If anything i’ve tried to keep her involved but she rarely asks about him unless there’s a problem. Now i feel really weird about the whole thing. I didn’t ask for the presents and didn’t even know he’d done it until this morning. But also he’s 15 and i’m the one doing school runs, parents evenings, buying trainers when he grows again etc so i can see why he did it? Mum left lunch early and now isn’t replying to messages. AIBU to think she’s being unfair here or have i accidentally stepped into something i shouldn’t have. I genuinely didn’t mean to upset anyone.

whatisheupto · 17/03/2026 19:51

She flipped like that precisely because she knows that there's truth in it and she feels guilty.

Yardbrushes · 17/03/2026 19:27

Your mother is some piece of work.
That poor boy has spoken from his heartvand you need to focus on his feelings and not your mother.
You are doing a great job.
Are you getting children's allowance for him, because you should be.
Forget about her and her ego and focus on that confused child trying to navigate very tough circumstances.
You sound like an amazing sister.

Sparkletastic · 17/03/2026 19:26

Your mum needs to take a long hard look at herself

Wildefish · 17/03/2026 19:23

purpleme12 · 15/03/2026 22:37

Mmm that's tough

I guess I can see it from both sides

I can’t. She’s off loaded a problem to her daughter and now having hissy fit because she’s doing a great job. She should have said well done you deserve it!

Frillysweetpea · 17/03/2026 19:18

I think it would be nice if you could say to your brother that you were a bit surprised but actually you really appreciate his card and present. He appreciates you and, just as importantly, needs to know you value him and the efforts he makes. I dont know what went wrong between him and your mum but given her outrageous reaction I'd say it was something to do with her putting her needs before his. If she'd had wept a little and said she was so sorry she'd not been able to help him like you had I'd be sympathetic but her reaction was OTT and selfish. Doesn't sound like she has ever thanked you for stepping into the breach. Well done, OP - sounds like you have done a fab job.

LouiseK93 · 17/03/2026 18:41

Makes me wonder why he wasnt doing well with your mum, what was she like behind closed doors?

Teenmumgoingcrazy · 17/03/2026 18:28

So your mum offloaded being a full time parent to your brother yet got pissed off when he realised this and thanked the person who stepped up… think your mum just got a reality slap in the face and she didn’t like it 😏 leave her to sulk it out… bet she’s happily claiming his child benefit payments still

LLM21 · 17/03/2026 18:17

She's hurt that she only got a text but it doesnt sound like she has put much effort in to reconnect with him over the last 8 months so she cant expwct much more. He is just showing gratitude to the person who is caring for him .

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/03/2026 10:31

Onemanwenttomo · 15/03/2026 22:41

Her reaction says a lot about why he wasn't doing well with her tbh. She sounds self centre and childish.

Your brother sounds like he is doing much better with you.

Edited

I agree
well done you
how old are you? Are you getting humid maintenance from her? And is child benefit in your name?

BlackbirdShouting · 17/03/2026 09:39

SubtleSnake · 16/03/2026 10:36

Morning all, didn’t expect this many replies if i’m honest. Have been reading through before work.

Just to clear a few things up as people asked.

Mum has never really been that hands on with him if i’m being completely honest. Even when he was younger she let him get away with a lot and then would get overwhelmed when it inevitably blew up. I don’t say that to be nasty it’s just sort of how it was.

Also she doesn’t contribute financially at all. Not a penny. I didn’t ask for rent or anything like that but people asked so just being honest. When he had his birthday last month i sorted everything, cake, presents, a few of his mates round etc. Mum sent a text and that was about it.

The other thing is the few times he does see her he comes back totally different again. Really mouthy and wound up and then it takes a few days to get him settled back down. I haven’t said that to her because i know it would cause WW3 but it does happen.

She was also annoyed yesterday that he didn’t come to the lunch with us. But he already had plans with his friends to go cinema and i didn’t think it was fair to cancel that last minute. She said that was “rude” and that he should have made the effort on mothers day.

I don’t know. I do get that it probably hurt her feelings but at the same time she’s the one who said he couldn’t stay with her anymore so i’m a bit stuck with what she expects exactly

I’m really sorry but she is not a good mother. To you or to him. You are amazing!! You will be making a MASSIVE difference to your brothers future. More than you can or will ever know, but trust me, you are doing an extraordinary and amazing thing here.

rainbowstardrops · 17/03/2026 09:34

It sounds as if you have been a pillar of strength for your brother and it’s lovely that he thanked you.
She doesn’t give you any money for his keep, she let you sort all of his birthday and it sounds as if she didn’t buy him a present, she threatened to put him into care and she’s the one who is upset?!
I’m surprised you have anything to do with her if I’m honest.

gannett · 17/03/2026 08:57

SubtleSnake · 16/03/2026 10:36

Morning all, didn’t expect this many replies if i’m honest. Have been reading through before work.

Just to clear a few things up as people asked.

Mum has never really been that hands on with him if i’m being completely honest. Even when he was younger she let him get away with a lot and then would get overwhelmed when it inevitably blew up. I don’t say that to be nasty it’s just sort of how it was.

Also she doesn’t contribute financially at all. Not a penny. I didn’t ask for rent or anything like that but people asked so just being honest. When he had his birthday last month i sorted everything, cake, presents, a few of his mates round etc. Mum sent a text and that was about it.

The other thing is the few times he does see her he comes back totally different again. Really mouthy and wound up and then it takes a few days to get him settled back down. I haven’t said that to her because i know it would cause WW3 but it does happen.

She was also annoyed yesterday that he didn’t come to the lunch with us. But he already had plans with his friends to go cinema and i didn’t think it was fair to cancel that last minute. She said that was “rude” and that he should have made the effort on mothers day.

I don’t know. I do get that it probably hurt her feelings but at the same time she’s the one who said he couldn’t stay with her anymore so i’m a bit stuck with what she expects exactly

Let me guess, your mum wasn't "hands on" with you and didn't bother parenting you much either.

You come across as extremely competent (as well as generous and loving) for someone I'm guessing is in her 20s, and I get the sense that you had to be, from a very young age.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 17/03/2026 07:02

SubtleSnake · 16/03/2026 10:36

Morning all, didn’t expect this many replies if i’m honest. Have been reading through before work.

Just to clear a few things up as people asked.

Mum has never really been that hands on with him if i’m being completely honest. Even when he was younger she let him get away with a lot and then would get overwhelmed when it inevitably blew up. I don’t say that to be nasty it’s just sort of how it was.

Also she doesn’t contribute financially at all. Not a penny. I didn’t ask for rent or anything like that but people asked so just being honest. When he had his birthday last month i sorted everything, cake, presents, a few of his mates round etc. Mum sent a text and that was about it.

The other thing is the few times he does see her he comes back totally different again. Really mouthy and wound up and then it takes a few days to get him settled back down. I haven’t said that to her because i know it would cause WW3 but it does happen.

She was also annoyed yesterday that he didn’t come to the lunch with us. But he already had plans with his friends to go cinema and i didn’t think it was fair to cancel that last minute. She said that was “rude” and that he should have made the effort on mothers day.

I don’t know. I do get that it probably hurt her feelings but at the same time she’s the one who said he couldn’t stay with her anymore so i’m a bit stuck with what she expects exactly

Like I said on page 1 your focus should be your brother not your mum.

He made a bid which you rejected when you dismissed her gifts. You should talk to him.
Hes young and vulnerable even if he may not look it.

Namechangerage · 16/03/2026 20:06

SubtleSnake · 16/03/2026 10:36

Morning all, didn’t expect this many replies if i’m honest. Have been reading through before work.

Just to clear a few things up as people asked.

Mum has never really been that hands on with him if i’m being completely honest. Even when he was younger she let him get away with a lot and then would get overwhelmed when it inevitably blew up. I don’t say that to be nasty it’s just sort of how it was.

Also she doesn’t contribute financially at all. Not a penny. I didn’t ask for rent or anything like that but people asked so just being honest. When he had his birthday last month i sorted everything, cake, presents, a few of his mates round etc. Mum sent a text and that was about it.

The other thing is the few times he does see her he comes back totally different again. Really mouthy and wound up and then it takes a few days to get him settled back down. I haven’t said that to her because i know it would cause WW3 but it does happen.

She was also annoyed yesterday that he didn’t come to the lunch with us. But he already had plans with his friends to go cinema and i didn’t think it was fair to cancel that last minute. She said that was “rude” and that he should have made the effort on mothers day.

I don’t know. I do get that it probably hurt her feelings but at the same time she’s the one who said he couldn’t stay with her anymore so i’m a bit stuck with what she expects exactly

You don’t have to worry about your mum’s feelings OP. She is not your responsibility. Focus on you and your brother. Look up the “grey rock” technique and use it on her. She sounds like she has serious issues but you are already doing more than enough you don’t need to take on her issues too. Grey rock the shit out of her.

About mothers day getting weird with my brother

LostTheGoodScissors · 16/03/2026 19:26

Ultimately the most important feelings here are his. Don’t discourage his gesture or attachment to placate your pretty useless sounding mum.

noctilucentcloud · 16/03/2026 18:12

SleafordSods · 16/03/2026 16:47

You know that your M’s behaviour is not on. She can be upset, it doesn’t mean you have to apologise or change anything you or your DB do.

What your DB did was express how he feels and that can be difficult enough for some men, let alone teenage boys.

I’d let him know how much you appreciate what he did for you.

If your DM isn’t contributing, is she still receiving Child Benefit? Is so, i would contact the child benefit service and ask for it to be paid to you. Your M probably won’t like it but if she’s not looking after him and she’s not contributing financials then it’s not her money.

Show quote history

"What your DB did was express how he feels and that can be difficult enough for some men, let alone teenage boys. I’d let him know how much you appreciate what he did for you."

I'd add it's even harder to express your feelings when you've been rejected by your parent/s as by doing so you're opening yourself up to the risk of being rejected again. This was probably a really big deal for your brother OP, please tell him how touched you are.

I think you're doing a wonderful thing for your brother. I'm sorry about your mum.

Anewerforest · 16/03/2026 17:45

You have been a godsend to this boy and deserve his thanks. Your mum sounds in a bad place at the moment. Take no notice of what she says about this.

Ladybyrd · 16/03/2026 17:42

I don’t mean to be rude, but your mum is a cunt palming her son off on you and giving you absolutely no choice in it.

Thank god you were there to love him. He means it and he is right.

I wouldn’t give her the time of day let alone chase her.

BogRollBOGOF · 16/03/2026 17:04

OP, you and your bother are doing brilliantly in adverse circumstances. Your brother's doing so well to make positive changes living with you and it's great for a lad of his age to have the emotional intelligence to recognise what you do for him. You're doing well to be a competent mother figure to him and doing better than the biological one. I'm also willing to bet that she's also been at best a disappointing, lukewarm mother to you and probably not even that if you think back... Your update wasn't surprising.

You don't owe her anything. Quite the reverse. She should be grateful to you that you are able, willing and successful at supporting her son, and she should be covering his costs including child benefit.

I wish you and your brother all the best

FadingSpendour · 16/03/2026 17:03

You saved your brother from care. You are amazing.

On the other hand, this she rarely asks about him unless there’s a problem
tells me all I need to know about your mum.

Ilovelurchers · 16/03/2026 16:58

I can understand that she probably feels sad her relationship with her son is so shit.

But from what you have said, that's he fault, certainly not yours, and arguably not her son's either (or at least, she is more to blame, being the adult).

Hopefully once she has calmed down, she could give some thought to how to build bridges with him - maybe plan some time spent with him doing something HE would enjoy (taking him to a film of his choice, perhaps).

You sound like a lovely person OP, and a great sister and daughter. You deserve that appreciation, and I am glad he gave you the gifts and card! For a 15 year old lad to do that unprompted clearly shows how much he appreciates you....

The only thing you could do differently next time is perhaps not tell her? No point rubbing salt into the wound. But I totally get that you didn't think it through this time.

And in the long term, maybe this WILL cause he to reflect?