About mothers day getting weird with my brother

YANBU. Genuinely.

You didn't ask your brother for a card, you didn't put words in his mouth, and you told him his mum is still his mum when he gave it to you. That's about as careful as you could have been in the moment. A 15 year old deciding off his own back to say thank you to the person who's been doing the actual day-to-day parenting for eight months isn't something you "encouraged" — it's something you earned by doing the school runs, the parents' evenings, the trainers, all of it.
I think what's happened is your mum's guilt has landed on you because you were the one in the room. It's a lot easier to be angry at your sister than to sit with "my son felt he needed to thank someone else for being more of a mum to him than I've been." That's a painful thing to hear on Mother's Day of all days, and I don't think she handled it well, but I don't think you did anything wrong either.

A few thoughts:

• You don't need to manage his feelings for him. If he's grateful to you, that's allowed to just exist without you talking him out of it or downplaying it every time.

• You also don't need to defend yourself to your mum right now while she's this raw. Give it a few days before you try to talk properly, because anything said tonight will just be ammunition later.

• When you do talk, it might help to gently name what you noticed — that she rarely asks about him unless there's a problem — without it sounding like an attack. Something like "I know today was hard, and I'm not trying to take your place. But he needed steady input and I couldn't watch him go without it." She may not be ready to hear it, but it's true and it's not unkind to say.

• It might also be worth checking in with your brother, separately from all this adult fallout, just so he doesn't end up feeling like his card caused a row and start walking on eggshells about it.

You've taken on a lot for eight months with very little apparent thanks from the one person who should have been more present. It makes sense that this stings more than it maybe should on its own.

Well done for stepping up & taking your DB in when he's needed stability & support. Sounds like you've done a fab job of getting him sorted. You've done nothing wrong. Your DB is showing he appreciates you & all you've done for him & wanted to buy you a gift. It lovely of him to thank you like this so don't feel guilty. Your DB is old enough to know what he's doing so not buying his Mum a gift or a card is his choice & he must have his reasons for not doing so. I can understand your Mum being upset but she shouldn't be taking it out on you.

It's a really nice thing your brother did for you. He will have strange emotions about his mum at the moment - she sent him away! At least he sent her a text. That was thoughtful.

She needs to decide what she wants moving forward.

Why on earth are you paying for his trainers etc? She should at the very least be giving you money to take care of him!

I wouldn't

She'd try and take him back

You are doing an amazing job OP. Your brother clearly loves you and for giving you a card and gifts means he knows how much you love and care for him. You should be proud of him. Sorry but your mum is no role model and very childish with the way she reactive. She should be thanking you for your support as he clearly wasnt getting that support and stability living with your mum. I have two teenage boys, one the same age as your Dbro and for him to give you a gift on Mothers day means he appreciates everything you have done for him. He is lucky to have you as by the sound of it, if he stayed with your mum, he would of probably gone off the rails. Keep doing what you are doing as he will grow into a lovely young man.

This! I think it takes a lot for any 15 year old boy to show an unexpected token of affection and gratitude - especially a lad who has been through some troubles. Keep doing what you are doing, your brother is very lucky to have you!

You are doing a good job for a 15 year old to acknowledge what you’re doing for him. Your mum is being petty. Shes handed off her kid to another of her kids.

She should be thanking you not getting jealous because he’s doing well with you. Would she rather he was in care because of her being a miserable feckless mother? I don’t suppose there’s a fella in the picture by any chance 🤔

Just a thought if you're still not sure how you should have thought about his nice gesture. The old name for the day is Mothering Sunday. Mothering the action, the showing up, the being there. Not mother the person. You've clearly been mothering him. Good for you. And his presents and appreciation were completely fitting and appropriate.

Op your obviously doing a great job your db has only shown you his appreciation his real dm has basically given up on him so your dm has to accept this. Op he might change as an adult but right now he sees you caring for him and not her. I would just message her and say mum Im Sorry your upset but I haven’t replaced you he just wanted to acknowledge me for the last 8 months and I hope you don’t punish either of us as this was all your idea. Op you should be proud of him thanking you not many teenagers do this with there own mums that live normal lives at home. He’s turned his life around and that’s on you so smile and be pleased with him and yourself you gave him a lifeline he took it and now he prefers you over his own mum this is not your fault at all.

You’ve quoted wrong person…😀

This. She sounds immature and ridiculous. You and your brother have done nothing wrong.

Your DM is selfish and totally BU, what does she expect she could not look after her DS and wanted you to look after him or put him into care, of course he appreciate everything you are doing for him, you are acting more as a mother to him that his own mother. Your DM should be grateful to you.

What a lovely thing your brother did, it shows maturity beyond his years, which is all the more significant given that he has experienced upheaval in his young life.

Your mother on the other hand sounds emotionally stunted and unhinged. She should have been happy that her son is thriving and making progress since he started to Iive with you.

Let her stew and hopefully she will start to behave like an adult and not a toddler.

Keep doing what you are doing for your brother, you are clearly making such a positive impact, be proud of your achievements.

Your mum sounds awful

You're an amazing sister and your brother is lucky to have you. If you weren't around hed likely be lost in the system

When my Dd was born my older sister helped a lot because I had pnd. She used to take my Dd overnight to give me a break and would generally spoil her, my Dd always sent her a card on mother's day 'to someone who's been like a mother to me' she used to look forward to doing this, and even now she's much older she still remembers doing it. Your mum is jealous because you've done her job and done it so well

She thinks he's rude for not making an effort on 'mothers day'? Doesn't sound like she's made much effort to be his 'mother'
As the saying goes 'you reap what you sow!'
Well done for stepping up and giving him the safe stable home he obviously needs, I'm delighted he acknowledged that on mothers day, it sounds like he really appreciates it.

I think that you should knock these feelings of guilt on the head and start getting really pissed off with her. She dumped him on you, along with the financial responsibility for him, she’s made sod all effort to rebuild their relationship and now she’s got the brass neck to get angry with you because he’s told you that he appreciates you helping him get his life back on track? I think you should point out that she’s currently reaping what she has sown.

I suspect you might have the sort of relationship with her where you make the effort to make sure she’s ok and that she isn’t upset with you. If that’s the case, please don’t do it this time. You have done nothing wrong. You have nothing to apologise for and nothing to fix. It’s her who should be apologising to you.

If you don't want to do that. Then just bring it up to her if she starts her lip, that you know she's still claiming for him and that can change if she doesn't pack in her shit.

Your mother is a knob. She's not a mother and it sounds like your brother feels safe and secure with you.

Why aren't you getting any money for him? The child benefit should be coming to you and any benefits that go with it. I'd even go so far as to claim child support from her.

I think your brother is fully aware of the situation and has acted with thought and maturity to acknowledge what you are doing for him.

your mother clearly has substantial issues, appears to be self absorbed and lack any emotional intelligence. If she had done things for his birthday, contributed to his keep, kept in Touch with him positively, then the responses would be very different.

keep him away from her, get him therapy and ensure he knows he is truly good so his confidence and self esteem isn’t impacted but her.

You've done a wonderful thing taking care of your brother. His life outcomes look positive and that's down to you. Your mum needs to get over herself, she has no right to be upset. She abdicated her responsibilities as a parent.

Youre an amazing sister, and DB clearly knows and appreciates it. I wouldnt worry

My mum wasn't around much when I was a teen and my youngest brother was a small toddler. He called me mum one day and my mother went ballistic at me saying basically the same things, that I'd encouraged it etc etc. I didn't, I was just doing all the 'mum' things. Obviously this is slightly different as my brother was confused but your brother is not, he knows what's what. Our mother's can't keep palming off their kids and leaving us to do all the hard and mundane shit without relinquishing some of the 'perks'.

This is on her. You've done nothing wrong.

I would just be relieved to have such a negative person at further distance
don’t give her the headspace she doesn’t deserve!