AIBU to want to sell my house and daughter wants continue to rent it ?

If your eldest went through similar and is in housing association can’t your other daughter explore that?

I think you are being more than fair.

Her job to house her children not yours. Yanbu.

That's you, OP has her reasons.

No good deed goes unpunished.

There is no sprightly or wrong here. If you were renting to a stranger you’d be within your rights to sell. But you are not you are providing and subsidising your dd and dgc home, you were enabling her to live beyond her means and she is obviously going to be aggrieved, and frightened/defensive, when the bank of mum closes.

Hindsight being a wonderful thing, arrangements like this very commonly go wrong and ruin family relationships. You thought you were doing a good thing, she thought she had security for her family.

Only you will know how this will pan out as it all depends on relationships and people’s individual ethics and personalities.

Good luck with both your dd and your treatment. 🩷

This level of entitlement is shocking.
You'd need it spelt out that the help may not be forever?

OP is living in someone else's house.

He could die and she gets kicked out by his kids if any.
He could kick her out.
She may want to leave if he cheats or becomes abusive.

Why would you need a handout and not help yourself in the time you're paying low rent?

That doesn't solve the problem when OP has gone.
This situation has the potential to split the two daughters apart after OP’s demise and needs sorting NOW whilst OP is well enough to do this.

She can enjoy the proceeds of the sale and both daughters can be gifted a sum equally.

Time for the 40yr old to cut apron strings of dependency.

We had a similar situation in our family. The house was sold to the DD for around £50k. There was a private agreement drawn up that another £15k would be paid to her sister, over a agreed term. Within three years the home owner could get a remortgage and pay it.

Is she really going to struggle to find appropriate, affordable accommodation? I could not turf out my child and grandchildren unless I was penniless myself.
I would perhaps start charging a bit more rent? Would that give you any extra money to play with??

I agree with this - OP try and sort this out now even if it’s difficult, or there will likely be a battle between your daughters after you are gone.

I have seen this play out in my wider family, and it didn’t end well, with resentment on both sides and siblings who now no longer speak.

Money brings out the worst in people, and it seems like your daughter already sees this as ‘her’ house.

You can give her some time to sort something out - she has options even if she might not like them. Plenty of people raise kids in apartments quite happily.

No you’re not dying!

YANBU

Your daughter presumably chose to have those kids. She has had years of cheaper rent, some help with bills and £15k contribution towards a deposit. Time to stand on her own two feet, that’s more help than some people ever receive! I couldn’t imagine trying to guilt trip my sick mother for my own lifestyle choices when she has already helped me more than enough. Yes it’s hard for her but you’re hardly kicking her out with no notice and no money.

Why can't the adult who has children house them herself? Why hasn't she made any provision after 6 years of low rent?

Is your daughter working?

You are not being unreasonable, your daughter is being selfish - albeit I can understand her panic.

do you own the house outright? Could you take out a mortgage on it to release the money you want - maybe through equity release so you don’t need to pay a mortgage now, or increase her rent to a. Pay off the mortgage and b. get her used to paying market rates?

Or is it possible to sell part of the house to her now? She takes out a small mortgage now to pay you the amount you want to release?

i wonder if a financial advisor might be able to help if you can set out the goals of releasing cash now and the need to later split the inheritance? I’d be concerned that by buying and selling you will incur costs on doing up the house and fees/stamp duty etc. and I wonder if there is a clever way to release the cash and keep her in the house (but maybe on a higher rent)?

In any event you need to start having a discussion with her about her poor financial planning. Does she know that the house will be split and she will only inherit half? How is she planning for that? If I was her I’d buy a flat now or house in a cheaper area and start building equity for her eventual house. Has she spoken to a financial advisor about how much she could borrow? It might be more that she thinks.

I agree with @ThisJadeBear and others - the OP has two adult children to think about. The 42yo is unlikely to change, this isn't just temporary circumstances. She should be thankful for all the help she's received so far, and asking herself how she can help her mum after this diagnosis. The usual response would be to try to reduce the mum's stress. I am so sorry this is what you're facing @Chloe2434 .

The resident daughter needs to accept that she is living beyond her means. She doesn't own the house and never will unless she improves her finances substantially. The house could be sold while mum is alive or after as an inheritance. Whatever guilt resident daughter is putting on her mum now, she'll try with her sister when it comes to selling the house and splitting the inheritance. Not dealing with that fact is just kicking the can down the road and hoping resident daughter does the right thing eventually.

Anyway, OP needs to put herself first for a change. If that means selling the house then so be it. It could be the making of resident daughter. At the moment she's not living as a full adult and being propped up financially by her mum could be a source of resentment here.

I wonder what OP's partner, friends and other daughter think about the dynamics at play here.

I don't often think equity release is the right advice, but if you "only" want £50k to do some enjoyable stuff while you can, it might be right for you in your present situation @Chloe2434 . You then you don't have to ask your daughter to move out, and when the house is eventually sold by your heirs, the mortgage is redeemed before they receive equal shares of the remaining proceeds. If property has increased in value.

But you need to make a will setting this out now clearly so both your daughters understand and have time to come to terms with the situation.

This is a really difficult problem.

I would seek advice from a financial advisor.

Is there any way she could buy a share in the house to release some cash? Apologies if this is a ridiculous idea!

particularly the reason that you want to sell, due to having cancer and having to retire because of it. I get it’s tough as a single mum with 2 children but her attitude does come across as very selfish.

I think the home will need to be sold before you die. Go over plans with a financial advisor, see what they say.

If you've already offered to sell oldest the home at a reduced price and she's refused, you know she thinks you'll leave it to her and she'll be likely to make selling it afterwards very difficult and for your other daughter to get her share. I wouldn't leave that mess behind.

You're probably best off to give your daughter a time frame to find a new place as the home will be sold. You offered her 15k, so she could get established in a new place. See what the FA says about that.

You owe it to your other daughter to settle the house arrangements now op. Otherwise she will be battling to release her share of the house after you've left us. That will inevitably leave resentment from her towards you both.

Your other daughter has had an easy ride. How on earth would she have managed if her mum didn't have a spare house she could have rented super cheap for years?

I think offering £15k towards the cost of a new property is more than generous. So she wants a 3 bed house with garden?

Well I'd like a 5 bed, 5 bathroom house with a swimming pool and staff to cook & clean for me, but we have to cut our coat to fit the cloth don't we?

The thing is here is that @Chloe2434 isn’t just thinking she wants to sell her house to go on holidays and her daughter and grandchildren are an afterthought.
She is facing a life-limiting fate. Both of her daughters should be there for her right now, as she has been for them.
Putting any pressure on her or making nasty remarks is absolutely out of order. This is a loving mum who is facing something awful at a relatively young age.
I think it would be good to sort this now. If she doesn’t when she is no longer here to do so no doubt DD1 will possibly make it hard for DD2 with more emotional blackmail.
OP isn’t wealthy. She has a singular house which she would like to sell, have a few good times before she can no longer have them, and then leave each DD with money.
DD1 is going to get the shock of her life when her mum is no longer there to emotionally manipulate - she won’t be able to stay in the house anyway an when her car breaks or she can’t pay a gas bill, Bank of Mum will be closed.
I am not being hard, it’s life OP has done her best so far to provide and support. A woman or 42 speaking to her ill mother this way is awful.
She should be offering support and working with her mum to find a solution.

To be fair to OP, she is making sure both her kids are fine as well as her getting to do some things while still well.

I can see why you would feel like that when your kids are young adults but the OPs daughter is 42. She has been extremely generous to her daughter. For her daughter to call her selfish is really nasty. I’m amazed people are defending that.