Should I accept proposal if I've never met his daughters?

I see you are not denying your actions, but are still trying to mitigate or remove culpability

Basically you are just another cheater who is engaging in excuses and justifications seeking to alleviate either internal, or external judgments about the wrongness of your behaviour.

So, in common with many cheaters you tell others "we had a wonderful connection", "our feelings were so strong we couldn't fight it", "we had a meaningful relationship not a tacky affair", "we were meant to be" as if this in some way justifies what you did.

This sounds like a Hollywood script when in actual fact this is minimization and defeasibility — reframes the affair as uncontrollable, reducing perceived intent.

While you engage in psychological gymnastics, somewhere there is a wounded, broken woman.
The pain of infidelity lingers (sometimes for years) because the betrayed spouse is not just grieving what happened. They are grieving what they thought they had, what they believed was real, and who they believed the unfaithful partner was.

I hope you and your partner stay together for life, because that will keep two selfish, entitled, deluded, disordered individuals out of the dating pool and leave it clear for honourable people to form honest relationships.

Well all you've learnt here is how I justified it to myself. Don't assume I speak for your ex's OW or anyone elses. We aren't all one homogenous mass with a hive mind.

There is little that is logical or rational about love. If there were, then affairs would never happen, all of us would only marry someone rich, successful and beautiful, someone with no previous children or baggage or any sort, no-one with any physical or mental health issues, no-one would ever marry someone quirky or an acquired taste who the rest of the world looks at and says 'WTF is the attraction to that weirdo/rude prick/limp rag?'

You can't just 'stop yourself' from falling in love with someone using logic. 🙄

Logic is what stops you signing up to dating sites out of 'curiosity' or 'needing a confidence boost' when you know you very well you shouldn't invite danger into your marriage.

Logic is what stops you chatting all night to a good looking bloke in a nightclub and letting him take your number, because you know absolutely no good can come of it.

Logic doesn't help you not fall in love with someone you sit opposite at work every day for three years and have got to know inside out on a platonic level and can't help feeling an intense emotional connection to.

I have never once said he had no choice. I've made no excuses for either of us. He had a choice to make and he made it. He chose to pursue a relationship with me and having done that, he chose to tell her about it very quickly. That hurt her. I allowed him to pursue a relationship with me and that hurt her. It wasn't cynical, frivolous, recreational sex that could have been with anyone on a drunken night out, it was a strong connection that started long before we had sex and once we had sex just the whole thing escalated extremely quickly. Not that I expect that makes a difference to many people, but it's the truth.

We were all young and there were no children involved. Do I think it would have been any different had I still been married and had children, or if he'd had children by then? I don't know. I certainly hope so, but given the amount of people who do have affairs when they have children, I am not going to state categorically that it would never have happened.

In a Sliding Doors scenario where we'd met much later and children were involved, he'd still have been him, I'd still have been me, we'd still have developed the same strong connection. As someone who grew up with divorced parents due to infidelity, I've always known I have no desire for my children to go through that. I like to think I'd have removed myself from temptation, left my job and stoically put him to the back of my mind. Obviously as he's the father of my children, I like to imagine he'd have done the same. But can I swear to it? Of course not. I'm not in the habit of insisting either of us are perfect and infallible, not even hypothetically.

But then it's easy to imagine that I could do that, and hopefully that he could too, because I know we have been genuinely happy in our marriage. And I know how devoted he has been to his children and how doing anything that would seriously damage their opinions of him as their hero and protector would be untenable for him. But then most men who cheat and leave probably thought that at one point. Like I said earlier, this is when people have to apply some cognitive dissonance so they can look themselves in the eye each day.

Any person, however happily married, might at any time experience the challenge of randomly connecting with someone they develop a strong attraction to, recognising all the signs that it's mutual and potentially dangerous, and knowing that they need to remove themselves from that danger zone if they care about their marriage and their family. But how easy they find it to actually do that will probably depend largely on how fulfilled and how seen and heard they feel in their marriage to start with.

I make absolutely no excuses for his behaviour or mine, but I am not ashamed, I don't regret it and I wouldn't change it. I regret that in order for us to be together someone else had to be hurt, but that was unavoidable because we wanted the outcome we wanted. Selfish and self indulgent? Probably. Honest and pragmatic? Absolutely.

The other option is that we could both have been these noble, selfless martyrs of the kind that rarely exist among people in their twenties with no kids, facing up to the fact they have that one chance to make a massive change before children trap them forever. We could have forced ourselves to go completely no contact before any nascent emotional affair could become physical,. All so that one poor, unsuspecting 28 year old could keep her marriage, oblivious to the fact that her husband went to bed at night dreaming of being next to someone else. Oblivious to the fact that he was never fully emotionally present in their marriage, for a long, long time afterwards. Possibly never again.

Would he have got over me in time? Had a family with her and been a decent husband who never strayed? Possibly. But it's also possible that his feelings for her would have been forever changed and he'd have left eventually anyway.

Where would be the kindness in staying with someone, having kids with her, knowing you had, for a long time, really wished you were somewhere else and big part of you still did? Knowing that had the choice to leave been simpler and less complicated (ie, you were not already married) then you would have left her to be with that other person. How do you think she'd feel knowing she was your charity case and you were only still there because of how noble and principled you are?

I've seen many cases of cheating men who cheated again on their later wives, often the wife after that as well.

One of my close friends was in an almost identical situation. She never met his kids - who were also teenagers or young adults. She left after two years because she realised when her partner became a grandparent, when his kids got married, she would never be a part of that.

The bit I can't square is why the ex is so upset if her DH was already sleeping on the floor for a year. I'm in a similar situation and trying to keep stability for now because my kids have GCSEs and A levels in 2 months. But if my DH met someone else we've both already emotionally checked out. It might be a shock but I wouldn't hate him for it.

in this situation, even if they were still together, stopping the daughters from meeting OP is unreasonable.

“He's still paying the mortgage and wouldn't have been able to afford to rent also”

You’ve been living together over three years, and he’s still paying his ex’s mortgage? He also couldn’t afford to live on his own. Sorry to ask, but is he paying his way in the household? Why is he still paying the mortgage all this time? Why hasn’t the house been sold, especially as his kids aren’t minors.

is this a classic mn case of ‘homeless’ man targeting single, financially secure, woman? ’

So does rape, theft, war… it doesn’t make it ok

It happens all the time, life is messy. We are humans, not perfect.

”If he’ll do it with you, he’ll do it to you” is a line from a book called The Other Woman, by Joy Fielding.

Crikey no, of course not. Put your kids first.

I wouldn't marry him, will make the split easier in a few years when he trades you in for a younger model when the next 'other woman' comes along.

He cheated on their mother with the OP do you really think they will EVER accept her in their life realistically??

You sound delightful

Same with my dad… but his relationship broke down so he is single too… he is 80 and starting to need help… and there is no one to help him… 4 kids… not interested just as he has not been interested in us for the last 40 years.

and after all this time he still tries to point the finger anywhere but his own infidelity for the break down of our family. Sad really.

If your husband has no regrets about losing his children, then he is not a man worth being with.

Do you really believe he was sleeping on the floor at home when you met?. If his marriage was truly broken then his wife would have been glad to see the back of him. She is likely devastated so no wonder his daughters won't see you out of loyalty and love for their mum. I wouldn't marry him if I were you but then I would never get involved with a married man still living in the marital home at the point of meeting,

My dad left for someone else over 40 years ago. All 4 children involved (2 children each) were teenagers at the time.
My mother was absolutely devastated for many years. It nearly destroyed her. But,my dad and step mum have been ecstatically happy all that time. So in love they didnt particularly want any of us kids to be involved. My dad has never met my sisters children. But why would they care,they have each other and they are in love?
But,they are now in their 80s and ill. They are unable to care for themselves and need lots of support. Guess what? None of us are interested. They're on their own. You reap what you sow.

I think, as theyre both adults now (DD's), its really quite irrelevant whether or not you meet them. And, as another post mentioned, it may be that they dont want to meet you, as 'the other woman/who broke up their Family' (not my judgment but may be theirs). You sound like you know what you want and so it'll either work out or it wont. And such is life:) Good luck in whatever you choose to do

You shagged their dad and broke up their parents. Then promptly moved him in with your own kids. Because he’s a somewhat better parent than your ex by dint of doing the bare minimum, you talk about him like he’s got a golden cock. Massive pick me energy.

Marry away girl, this sounds like it can only end well.

I've never known this to be true.

There’s that saying that when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy.

You’ve only got his word for how his marriage had deteriorated and how good a father he is.

why would they want to video conference with her if they don’t want to meet her? The video conferencing won’t change the fact that she is the women who their dad had an affair with!

they might never want to meet her - and that’s okay.

Covert ,,,, not Covid voice text apologys

Completely weird ,
red flag city
why on earth can you not meet them, they are not 5 !!!
what has he done that’s so bad they can’t be part of his new life.
having been completely burnt by a Covid narcissist who appeared to be perfect partner? I would be really suspicious of this. Why is he living with you? How much is he contributing? Who owns the house? I’m guessing you please be careful. I’m sorry to put a damper on this, but I’m really concerned for your OP be really careful. Ultimately you wouldn’t be posting on here if your gut wasn’t telling you that something’s not quite right listen to your gut good luck.