Would you want to know about a partner’s infidelity, and why?

Yes as some- one who has been through it I would want to know everything about both physical and/ or emotional infidelities of whatever length.

The effect of a physically or emotionally unfaithful partner is hard to understand if you’ve not experienced it. It is traumatising. For me, a partner differs from other friends in that you share more with them, have each other’s back more, know that you are there for each other. Having suspicions that your trusted person is betraying you has a very deep psychological effect, it erodes your stability and sense of reality. It’s so hard to explain but it feels like the ground is constantly shifting. Invariably, they’ve displayed intense secrecy whilst bonding with the new person, and have persistently gaslighted their original partner in the process. It’s awful, you are upholding your side of the marital promises, working, caring for children, cooking, cleaning, chauffeuring, pet walking, laundry etc whilst grappling with behaviour that undermines your safety and security leaving you questioning your own sanity.
it should always be revealed.

Maybe there are some exceptions, say a partner is terminally ill, then do they need to know their spouse is unfaithful? But even then they probably should be told , as they may want to change their will, for example.

Of course I would want to know

• so I could get an STD test
• so I could make an informed choice whether to stay with him rather than him getting decide for me that I am ok with cheating

Yes, I would absolutely want to know. My ex cheated on me and it turned out some of my friends knew and didn’t say - that was almost worse than the affair. I’d want to know for the following reasons:

My sexual health and fertility - if he’s sleeping with someone else he risks getting an STD and/or getting her pregnant. I don’t want to be with a man who thinks it ok to take those risks.

Finances - I would be making very different decisions about home improvements/holidays/moving house/changing jobs if I knew he wasn’t totally committed to the same things and might not be around in a few years.

Emotional - my ex knows everything about me. I don’t want to share personal (and perhaps medical) information with someone who doesn’t have my absolute best interests at heart - things they could use against me in the event of a divorce, or share with their AP. Your DH is the one person you should absolutely be able to trust and rely on. If he’s cheating he’s ripping that psychological contract to shreds - you’re holding up your side of the deal, while he’s treating you with disrespect and insulting behaviour - even if you don’t know it at the time.

At least if you know, you can make decisions with all the facts. You might choose to do nothing, repair the relationship, or leave, and all of those are valid options, but I like to make decisions about my future with full knowledge of all the facts. I’d tell someone in a heartbeat if I found out their spouse was cheating, even if I didn’t know them well.

Yes I’d want to know so I could get a good lawyer and leave!

My own sexual health is important and the power of being able to make a decision knowing the full facts.
Once I knew for certain about my ex husband I had a full check up and made decisions for me based on the facts. So yes even from just a health perspective I’d want to always know

Of course I would want to know, so I could protect my health and potential fertility.

I was very grateful I was told. Apart from the obvious I was also glad I could go get an STD check.

@Sharptonguedwoman Why are phones private? I give zero s**ts about mine cos I have nothing to hide. Frequently ask my DH to text my friends/family back if I am driving or busy and he does the same.
Being private suggests you have something to hide. Sneakily checkong phone is wrong however in the case you responded to the other half obv had an inkling of something so checked phone and was obv correct....

Infidelity puts your partner’s health at risk. I would want to know do I could stop having physical contact with my husband and get myself tested and treated if necessary. The emotional implications are difficult, but potentially spreading sexually transmitted illnesses is unforgivable.

I really wish I’d have known. He was seeing the woman he’s with now on & off for nearly 10 years. I feel like I’ve wasted a huge chunk of my life that I could have saved much sooner had I have known.

Yes I’d want to know I needed to kick him out.

YES most defintely. My exH is an abusive, manipulative, sociopath. I suspected him of cheating on about 4 different occasions but never had any proof. Finally, finally 12 years in and 2 kids later I got the proof I needed. At this point my self-confidence was on the floor and, looking back, I was really quite mentally unwell - although I hid this well. I also went through a thankfully brief period of anorexia.

I suspect that a mutual 'friend' knew something about one of the infedelities (with mutual friend's friend) because he was trying to encourage exH to leave me. A total head-fuck at the time but now it all makes sense.

If I had known then, I would not have wasted so long on that pathetic excuse for a man, my life would have turned out so much differently.

I would want to know because I would end the relationship.

14 years ago, I discovered my now exh was having an affair. At the time, I had no idea and discovered it purely by chance. I also did a hobby and two of the women there also worked with my exh. I was quite friendly with one - we'd meet up and have lunch/coffee occasionally and knew the other to chat to at the hobby.

When I found out, I told the woman I was closer to, not realising that she already knew (he had an affair with a woman from work) and she just said, "Thank God you know," and went on to tell me that they had both lost a lot of respect at work and that she and the other hobby woman hadn't known whether to tell me or not. What had made it difficult was that they both worked closely with him and he had a reputation of not being a very nice person at work. It would have come back on them.

I completely understood why they hadn't told me. I approached the other woman at the hobby whose face upon hearing me say, "Have you got a minute for a chat?" Told me everything I needed to know about how she'd felt about knowing and not sharing. I told her I knew and that I didn't hold it against her for not telling me. It was fine. Again the relief on her face was palpable.

But I would always want to know. I'm not staying in a relationship with someone who'd cheat on me especially someone who would put others in such an awkward and uncomfortable position. He was arrogant and compassionless to everyone.

3 weeks after I'd kicked him out, he told me he still loved me and asked could we work it out. I laughed and asked if the OW knew he was saying this. He said no and I pondered over who he was actually cheating on and with whom now.

He told me he was going to 'make a go of it' with her now as I'd said that and he felt he needed to 'make the best of a bad situation'.

Why would I want a such a weak and spinless individual in my life?

I absolutely would want to know. The affair is obviously bad but refusing to allow me the choice to decide whether or not to continue the relationship is even worse. That people are willing to take that choice away from their partner so that they don’t have to deal with the consequences of their own action is far worse than the actual affair imo.

Why was he looking at your phone?! Phones are private.

I'm sorry. That must have been double heartbreak.

When it happened to me, all our mutual friends knew and they chose to not tell me. I couldn't remain friends with any of them. It was humiliating. I would always want to be told and therefore I would always tell.

I’d want to know, but I wouldn’t want to find out from someone who clearly getting a little thrill out of poking their nose in and pretending to care while secretly enjoying the drama - which is 99% of the people who post “Should I tell their partner?” threads, however much they pretend otherwise.

If one of my close friends found out my partner was cheating I’d certainly want them to tell me because I know they genuinely care. I probably wouldn’t want to hear it from a casual acquaintance, a colleague or the other woman.

I would, so i can know the measuring stick and judge whether i am good enough to handle the pressure. if i cannot handle it i bounce.

I would like to know because I am trying to find the strength to leave my husband and this would be the push I need! Maybe there’s more people in this situation than just me.

If I was happy in my marriage I would still want to know. Then I could decide to stay knowing what was going on, or leave.

I’d want to know about anything, whether that be an EA or an actual affair, ONS etc. I don’t want to be made a fool of.

I’ve found out myself about a couples of ex’s attempts to cheat (not sure if anyone actually did physically cheat, but the intention was certainly there).

I’d be gutted if my DH cheated but I’d rather know. A lot of the men he works with cheat - I don’t know any of his colleagues or their wives, but if that was happening to me I’d like to think I’d have an inkling about it. I assume they all just cover for each other, which I find disgusting behaviour.