Ghosted by friend!!! Aibu?

It seems like you want us to say oh poor you, she’s obviously jealous. If doesnt sound like she was an old childhood friend of yours. Lots of mum friendships don’t survive the children getting older, and it sounds like this is what has happened. You’ll never know for sure why she has behaved like this and you don’t need to - it’s not going to change anything. Just accept it and move on.

Aw come on, it’s quite normal for people to move away for a while and resume friendships on their return. The friendships will drift and there has to be some mutual effort to rebond again but I’m baffled by the posters on here saying that the friend’s behaviour is justified.

I’d guess that it’s partly due to the distance you had grown apart. She may have some jealousy around your improved circumstances/opportunities. Some people like to feel they are playing life better than everyone else. And the fall out between the boys may have been the final blow, she will have heard her son’s side only too so that coupled with the fact that she feels you are now above your station May have lead her to drop the friendship. The fact she’s unfollowed you on sm suggests your posts of your life bother her. Plus she has form for this.

i had a v close friend years ago. We saw each other several times a week, regularly holidayed together . Stayed at each others houses. She was like a sister to me, I was aware she had had big fall outs with close friends before but told myself we had an unbreakable bond. And then one day it was like a switch, we had a outing planned with our kids and another friend (her friend and unbeknown to me my replacement) We had arranged to meet outside at the entrance, I waited and then rang her to discover she was inside and they had started (theme park). All day she was distant like literally I’d speak to her and she would look away and her friend would awkwardly answer. Then a minor spate occurred between our kids and she had a right go at me. We left and later that night I got a text saying I was an awful person and she wanted nothing more to do with me.
i literally had no clue what happened but all I can think is she had a story in her head about me that wasn’t (imo) true but clearly it was to her.

For what it's worth she doesn't sound like a great person. I don't know what would possess someone to go around a person's house criticising it other than meanness.

Its this. There is no mystery here - you drifted apart and its very obvious why.

If you dont want this to happen in future then make more effort to stay in communication with friends. It doesnt have to be every day or every week but at least some regular contact.

You went abroad for two years and didn't keep in touch then your sons fell out - what more is needed to explain this? To you you went on an exciting adventure and hoped everything to be the same on your return. To her you buggered off for two years with not a word and then expected to waltz back into her life and then your sons fell out which was the main basis for the friendship. She will have made other friends and moved on while you were away anyway. Also neither she nor her son sound very nice so maybe it's a good thing both friendships are over?

I don't think reconnecting always works well with friends. It's why I'm very cynical when people get told things like hang in there your friends will be back when their kids are older. Sometimes you can't pick up where you left off.

It sounds like between the distance and your kids falling out she's decided that this doesn't work for her anymore.

Op, I think there are many things at play here and I can understand your hurt. Yes, you have certainly drifted - moving away for two years with sporadic contact, along with your sons’ fall out, will do that - but it does seem very extreme of her to unfollow you on social media etc. Despite what some rhino-hided posters here might think, an unfollow on SM from a friend with whom you share happy memories and history, is a very deliberate snub and one that would hurt most people.

That said, there is a hint of self-congratulation to your opening post, which is why I voted YABU. However, I am on the fence here and may change it because nothing you have done is inherently wrong from the outside, however as with all this things it’s a matter of perception.

You say you liked to post your travels because people wanted you to. I can only assume these people were family and very close friends, in which case could you have considered WhatsApp groups for this? It’s what I do, for the very reason that there is something of a price to pay for sharing widely the brilliance of your life on Insta and FB: most people will be happy for you, and there will be some that aren’t.

I’m not saying that you should dim your light for such people, but more accept that by sharing your brilliant experiences, some people will be made to feel shit when their lives aren’t as sparkly or exciting as yours. Now that’s fine, it’s not your problem, but feelings are feelings, and just as some can’t resist the urge to share their lives, some can’t resist the urge to think ‘oh fuck off’ when they do.

It sounds very much as if your friend is deeply unhappy, from her negative and disgustingly rude attitude towards you (I mean, seriously, do you need that in your life?) and your success has triggered a massive wave of negative self-reflection that has led her to lash out at you. That is not your problem though.

The other thing is your sons, and this might be the final straw for her: for every insult your son is receiving from her son, If bet my bottom dollar her son is getting it back too. And even if it is in self-defence, his mother will not be being told that, and I expect she assumes your son started it.

She sounds incredibly rude if she was negative and insulting.

Not a friend, really!

Also it’s not really ghosting - it would be if you’d stayed and she’d stopped contacting you. But you moved away and aren’t good at texting. The death knell sounded then. Not blaming you for that but it’s a normal reaction to withdraw, it’s not the same as ghosting.

It’s interesting that you have assumed it’s to do with your change in fortunes. If she kept in touch with you whilst you were away in your exotic location it seems unusual that she’s only decided to be jealous about it after you got back? Have you spoken to her about what’s going on with your sons, does her son see things differently perhaps?

you haven’t kept in touch enough the friendship has drifted majorly, the dc don’t get on so in your friends eyes there probably isnt much point in keeping what little of the friendship left going. Video calls in a blue moon dont really cut it op.

Agreed.

Just saw the update about the DS. Well it’s simpler that you’re not friends with the mum with that going on. I wonder if the other son might’ve felt a bit abandoned by yours when you left and now you’re back, there’s that resentment/dislike built up. Or they’ve just changed and are very different people now. Which is normal over that period at that age even without 2 years living different lives. My DSs used to get on great with their male cousin but in adolescence they’ve changed a lot and are very different. They wouldn’t get on at all if they weren’t related and it’s still awkward now. I wouldn’t think of this boy as DSs friend any more and build other friendships instead.

You moved away for two years. A few video calls don’t sustain a friendship at that distance unless it’s much deeper. There’s no mystery. You moved away and she moved on. It’s not about envy as you’re implying I don’t think. Just separate lives and no longer gelling. You’ve probably changed too, you can’t pick up where you left off with everyone.

I think you should make more effort to text friends you consider to be close to even when you’re busy. They don’t have to be long messages but maybe she felt she was a low priority while you were away. Which fostered resentment…. This to me is more plausible than the assumptions you have made about money/success.

An occasional video call is not the same as regular communication showing that you are interested in her and thinking of her regularly.

Jealous.

By your own admission you’ve grown apart. When you were together you felt her quite critical and it does not sound like you enjoyed her company.
Her unfriending you on everything seems harsh.

the friendship has grown apart which I’m sure everyone on this thread has experienced at some point.

It sounds like you want us to tell you that she is jealous of you and your incredible experiences and that you are now wealthier than her but really we don’t know either of you. You say the last thing you want to do is brag but maybe you did come across as a braggart to her.

She may have things going on in her life.

Plus it’s really weird that you still want her in your life despite her comments to you so it sounds like you do have something to prove to her and you’re annoyed that you no longer have access to her.

What is there to understand she has moved on so stop obsessing and just move on yourself

You moved away for a period of time, and weren't in close touch during that time. In the intervening years you both moved on, as did your children. You can't pop in and out of people's lives on your timetable and expect things to stay the same. They rarely do.

What was the falling out over between your boys?
That could very much be the reason she has unfriended you

Some people are just really uncomfortable with others doing well. It makes them feel shitty about their own lives. Then along with that your DC’s have fallen out.