Ghosted by friend!!! Aibu?

You say it was harder keeping in touch being so far away? That's not really an excuse in this day and age. It seems to be a case of "Out of site and out of mind". Unfortunately you can't just pick up where you left off. I suspect it might have been very different if you were regularly in contact with her. She probably feels a bit used. I think would in her situation.

Her and her son sound rude, resentful and unfriendly. You’re better off without them in your lives. Unfollowing you on fb suggests she is envious. It’ll be easier on her mental health to unfollow you so she isn’t being triggered by your posts. You can have compassion towards her and be friendly when you pass her on the street as you would be with a neighbour or an acquaintance.

YANBU for being upset but she’s not a friend if she walked around your house insulting it.

The trash took itself out…

It does sound like she made some unnecessary comments when she visited you but for me personally I dislike when people preface a situation by going “I’m bad at this” and the other person is then supposed to forever be accepting of this fact. Like people who are always late, ask yourself if you are truly fine with someone who is always late just because they told you they struggle being on time? You’d probably have more patience with them if they have a very good reason for it but of course it would still get annoying regardless.
I do also agree with posters who have said a lot has happened in 2 years and you’ve come back and perhaps come across a bit smug (you did a bit in initial post). The final straw was probably the fallout between your sons because you’ve only heard one side of that story as well and trust your sons version.

When you see her in street I’d give a polite nod and if she ignores you I’d know what to do next time.

You’ve drifted. That’s all and she’s drawing a line. Maybe despite your I’m a bad texter she thought your friendship meant enough that you’d actually try. When you came home she realised that actually you hadn’t and she cnba. Mixed with a bit of jealousy and boom bye friend.

If you see her in public just be polite as you would to anyone you know but don’t have on social media. Don’t play the add unfriend game if she tries. Just treat her as if she was someone you used to work with.

Also very wise for your son to pull back clearly his over hearing things at home as well as despite being book smart maybe he wishes he was a bit sporty or his just one of those children that grows in to the intelligent but dumb twats.

Just polite nod or whatever. or blank back if that’s what she does. You’ve said yourself that your sm posts could have been an issue and it’s wise advice for people to not see sm posts that do their head in hence the unfriending. I’ve unfriended people whose posts irritate me, plus the schism with the boys is an issue too. The whole thing has gone south so just start over as if you’d moved to a new area and she’s not your friend. Best to have civil distance than any more bad feeling.

Maybe she is just having a cull? Or maybe she just doesn't like you as much as you thought? Maybe she's being eaten up with jealousy at your glam lifestyle abroad and new home and husband with great career as others have said on here? Who knows?

Message her and ask if you need to know. She may not tell you, but you're more likely to get an answer that way than asking a bunch of strangers on here.

I do slightly think (maybe unconsciously) you framed your op to imply that she is jealous of you, so maybe that is what you think already. You do not need us to back up that opinion or you shouldn't anyway. A few people have been very obliging and confirmed she must be jealous. Maybe she is. Who can say?

I wouldn't have phrased it as harshly, but I do wonder if there is something to the question raised by a pp, about whether you have enough going on in your own life as you only mention your husband's success and seem to maybe be quite worried about this friend and also about your perceived status.

There's so much in your updates , I think it's obvious why ye aren't close anymore but I think for your own sake with future friendships, you are a little naive with the "whole I'm not good with texting, I warn people at the beginning of friendships"

It doesn't take much to send a text now and them or check in. How else when you moved away could you keep up the friendship and sadly if people do drop of contacting, it can affect the friendship. I'd find it strange that someone would warn me at the start of a friendship that they aren't good at keeping in contact tbh. I wouldn't see the point of it.

That said there seems to be bigger issues at play between you both regarding wealth and your sons falling out. Plus if she is saying unkind things, you dont need that in your life either. I would let this one go, op.

I thought from what you said initially that she was dissing your new house over the changes you had made, and was thinking "Well I wouldn't appreciate someone making scathing remarks about my choice of decor, sod her" etc. But it sounds like she was dissing the previous owners' choices, so why are you taking umbrage at that? Still, it's quite clear she's moved on and your kids not being friends is the last gasp, she doesn't see any need to stay friends even online.

Just forget her now and focus on your other friends, this one belongs in the past only. You might never know her exact reasons why, so save your energy for your healthy friendships.

I think negative comments come from a place of jealousy. And if her ds isn’t nice to yours it makes it difficult. I’d move on. People who aren’t happy for you are not friends.

I think you are getting quite a hard time with these responses OP. It screams to me as if she was jealous of you! If she was jealous and talking to you like that then she is not a friend worth having around so I think you have a dodged a bullet. It does sound like she ghosted you, but ghosting is immature and cowardly so again, you have dodged a bullet with this one, I would move on!

I'm sorry this has happened. It seems your friendship thrived under the previous dynamic but won't survive your success. Like a previous posters said, some friendships are seasonal. It's actually difficult to predict which end up going the long haul.

I don’t know why you miss her, she sounds awful

F

I’m sure she’s eaten up with jealously about your ‘exotic’ move, social media posts and all your dosh 🙄 otherwise why would you list them all off as if they are relevant.
ORRR maybe your friendship naturally drifted apart OR maybe your massive update about your sons would lend a clue.

Nobody can tell you. Chances are that things have changed in her life just as much as in yours and you just aren't the same people you were. You weren't in touch while you lived abroad, so you've skipped a chunk of each other's lives. You have no idea what she may have had going on.

I know you don't want to give it away but if it was somewhere like Dubai you were living in and posting all over social media about your lifestyle, a lot of people seem to find that a bit crass and declassé... I am not saying it is, but that is a common perception. She may have found that plus your lack of communication (understandable though it was) a bit off-putting.

Add to that that your sons aren't friends anymore, I think this friendship is dead in the water tbh.

I say this a few times on here - if a friend is jealous of anything, ie, new house or new job, or travel then they're not a friend. Friends are happy for you no matter what and will root for you, or at least that's what they will show.

If you think it's down to travel photos, then she's not a friend. Sounds here though you guys have drifted apart and she's made a sudden stop to it. Move on, it's fine, make some new friends.

I will say though, telling people that you're rubbish at keeping in touch, too busy to text because of family does not make a person feel like they're important at all in your life. Friendship requires effort imo, same as any relationship. While may be too busy to always meet up, a 1 min text reply shouldn't be so hard to squeeze in.

It’s fine to not be a texter and not have the energy to keep in contact while you’re away. But then you also have to accept that things will change a lot over two years of not being in each other’s lives and missing the changes. She might well have been excited about your return but the reality is that it’s not the same, you’ve changed, she’s changed, the kids are older and complicated and don’t get on, so you got on each others nerves. Maybe she was always the type to laugh about artex and old carpets and you didn’t notice or know her that well. Maybe you irritated her and she irritated you, as your kids differ on what they’re into now. The DS are struggling to manage the changes and so are you both, so as your DS has backed off, so has she. The friendships are in the past. The distance changed it though it might’ve changed anyway and this is just more obvious because of the break.

I don’t understand why this one rude person is occupying so much of your headspace. You only talk about your husband’s dazzling professional success and not your own so maybe you could find something personally rewarding to do so that you don’t obsess about the other posh school mums. It sounds like you want to be able to be competitive about your glorious life but expect her not to be competitive back. Use this disappointment to put your energy into something more meaningful.

My best mate moved to the Middle East for 7 years, to a country I couldn’t travel to. Knowing we couldn’t see each other face to face I made an extra effort on the text, as I knew we wouldn’t be seeing each other (also have a big family). Not being in regular contact means drift apart.

Friendships are like houseplants, you have to keep watering them.

I wouldn't bother trying to analyse this any further.as soon as you moved away was the time to accept things were probably never going to be the same again.

You got on with your life as did she.

I think it is pretty obvious why this friendship has not sustained the changes from what you have written yourself. As others have commented already friendships are like that and are rarely lifelong. I also think it is extremely common that people struggle when friendships end to accept the why because often the why is about a change in feelings in the other person rather than a specific event. It is hard for people to accept that other people don’t have those positive feelings toward them any longer. I think that is part of the grief of losing friends.

It does sound like you are a little bit self-congratulatory in your first post. Along with your social media posts, I think you may have come across a bit too pleased with yourself about your change of circumstances to your friend.

Her negative manner, when you last saw each other, was her putting you down a peg or two. You have not seen each other regularly for a long time and this can also highlight differences. She has moved on.