Ghosted by friend!!! Aibu?

Some people ‘box’ friends and only use them for a specific need, it’s not that they don’t like them though but you serve a purpose. Situations change and when you no longer fit the box or they filled it with someone new in your absence you get dropped. It’s not personal but some people only cope with friendships right in front of them, and don’t have the headspace for long distance. It’s possible you are now receive the friend bashing she once did to you, and has unfollowed to fit the script to those listening/watching. She could also have been in competition with you unwittingly, and unfollowed and your happy posts trigger her. This would also explain her son being negative to yours, fuelled by her. Or there will have been some perceived slight and she’s ghosted you, as rightly or wrongly your posts irritate or trigger her

I am the person that has moved to another country. Some friendships have fallen by the wayside as they would have done naturally as the children grew and others are strong. The OP says her friend was excited about her move back.

In your update when you said she had been negative about every room in the house. She seemed to be commenting on things the previous owner had done but agree she didn't need to verbalise everything she didn't like.

I suspect it's something to do with the son's fallout. Have you tried asking one of your mutual friends if she has said anything?

I think it's your friends issue, not yours CheesyPeeeps. I had a friend who I met at an antenatal class, and we were friends till out children were about 14, then dropped. No argument, no nothing. I have friends, at home and abroad where we don't speak for ages but pick up from where we left off, months later

On looking back, she always liked to appear to be the more wealthy one of us, newer, bigger house and more expensive holidays until I started catching up. Once she even announced her son had a really expensive coat, but had made him leave it at home, so as not to make my son jealous. My son wasn't at the age at that time to even notice, but she was obviously bringing her son up to notice.

I feel we were friends but when the boys grew apart and then we moved to a bigger house, although supportive at first, this was the start of her cutting me out of her life.

We had been through a lot together and were friends in our own right, but looking back there was lots of instances like the coat incident but because it didn't bother me, I just didn't notice. It was her issue not mine.

It’s totally impossible for anyone on here to say whether your friend is being unreasonable.

I think what we can say is that friendships can come and go, and I’d suggest two years geographical separation and a friendship based largely on a situation is the kind that might drift.

I agree with this. She sounds jealous and doesn’t want to hear about how well you’ve done and continue to do. Friendships change, whilst it is sad when you lose someone you thought you were close to, sometimes you just need to accept it and move on.

She sounds jealous and extremely rude with her comments. Plus her son's treatment of yours makes me think this is no real loss in terms of friendship. It will hurt now but it sounds like in the long term you will be better off without them.

Could you ask her why she has done this, "have you offended her" etc?

She,s jealous, you don,t need a “friend” like that… to come into your house and bad mouth everything is unforgivable, i had a time in my life where financially i was in the gutter but still happy for friends who were doing well, i,ve never been jealous of anyone.. tis an awful affliction… sooo, this is not your fsult, it is her personanilty, be grateful she,s gone…new friends will come 🩷

Sounds like jealousy has gotten the best of her. That’s too bad and there’s nothing you can do except grieve and get on with life.

It was completely unnecessary to unfriend you when you have mutual friends especially and comes across as quite aggressive. I can see why it's hurtful but I think she's unhappy and bitter for some reason if she's so critical the whole time. Ignore her.

The saying there's nowt so queer as folk is very true.

I hear what you are saying OP actively unfriending you is a deliberate and hurtful act…maybe they mistakenly think you’ve sneered at them (via the fallin* out between your sons) ..maybe the comments about rugby have been linked to you. Definitely painful..as you’ve been without her whilst away try to let it go. It will probably never be explained. It’s normal to be hurt, her rudeness at your home doesn’t sound good, prioritise your sons comfort

I mean you couldn’t be bothered to text her back. Why should she be desperate to see you again ?

She probably feels a bit hurt that you kind of dropped her when you were living your exciting years abroad and now you just expect to slot back in.
Also, if you were living in one of those exotic places where foreigners have gardeners, drivers, housekeepers and nannies that they could never afford at home, she might be looking at you a little differently.
A friend of mine did that and I just couldn't see her the same after.

I’m with you on this OP. It’s not polite or acceptable for friends just to ‘move on’ for no apparent reason and with no explanation. It also seems that your former friend (like many on here it would seem) is embittered by your good fortune. Good on you I say. I don’t see you as boastful but rather as quite perceptive regarding this person and also genuinely concerned for her.

Having said this, she does sound like the kind of person you don’t need in your life any more. However in your shoes I too would be bewildered and disappointed by her behaviour.

I think a lot of these responses are incredibly bitchy and equally jealous of someone who has travelled and done well for themselves. You haven’t bragged by the sound of it and some of these responses are nasty! She sounds like she’s a bit passive aggressive as well and the bottom line and something that I have realised about these situations in later life is it’s a her problem not you. I did this with a friendship group not long ago. Very much a social pecking order thing that was so bizarre to me that it took ages for me to wrap my head around it too. Do not give her another thought. Move forwards actively seek other friends and leave her in the rear view. Block her number unfollow her and if you see her and can walk away. Don’t go to events where she will be unless they are really important to you and have a strategy to politely handle any interaction without engaging at all if you have to.

I had a friend who practically ghosted when she moved (and I am
talking less than a hour away). If I message her, she will probably respond and while I understand she was busy and stressed, she has not dropped me a message for over year, first.

Every plan, suggestion, invitation has been refused. It sucks. But I now have stopped bothering reaching out or attempting to stay in touch as it is clear she is not interested. We used to meet up and do stuff every 1-2 weeks when she lived 30min away. I was single at the time she was in a relationship. Then I met someone and wanted to introduce her which never happened. her relationship ended about the same time. That’s all that changed. I haven’t even told her I am pregnant because why bother.

That’s life. I don’t think being happy is a reason to be cut off by friend.

You sound like a middle aged jealous woman to be honest. I would love to hear about my friends life in another country

It’s probably more to do with what’s happened between the Boys. Each side has their own version of events and no doubt are supportive of their son.

we’ve got some boys across the road from us who are well liked by their teachers but they threaten and bully kids on the school bus as well as attack letterboxes on the way home, father is well known to police etc. My point being at face value things can seem ok.

sadly for you, it’s concluded a friendship that you were looking forward to renewing. You might hear from her again once the boys are out of school, and then you may not..

as a poster has said above, friendships end, and it’s sad when they have been good ones.

try and let it go for now. You may well hear more down the track that will explain events of today…

I get you must feel bemused but honestly reading this and also hearing how her son has been towards yours I don’t think it’s a bad thing. I’m not sure she’s the person you think she is or was?
you’ve mentioned about tricky friendships of hers in the past? Maybe she has form for this?

If she was a real friend, and you felt secure in that friendship, it wouldn’t feel like bragging. She’d just be delighted for you, as you would be for her.

Ps she is unlikely to ever admit she’s acting the way she is as she’s threatened with your financial change or position - so just know it and don’t think of reasons like that to excuse her- if you do have a chance to talk. Doesn’t matter what else is going on- rudeness and blanking is not acceptable- unless she comes forward and explains she’s got some problems. You could then be the bigger person there and very much like dealing with kids you can accept but explain it’s never a reason to be mean or unkind and hold you head high. Make it clear - in a quiet polite way- what’s acceptable and expected in behaviour and know you’ve done all you can.

Also want to add that it’s the emotional up and downs with people like this can feel so unsettling- it’s gaslighting when someone is caring & welcoming to you- literal open arms time….then sees you you enjoy time together but finds a way to put you down and finally then ignores or blocks you- when nothing actually ‘happened’ between you - certainly not between the welcoming you back, seeing you while rudely commenting and then the ignoring and ghosting, that’s what hurts for anyone that can’t understand it. How would we be approaching this if OP was talking about a romantic partner? Acting like it was ‘all great and back on’ then ‘negging’ under guise of friendship or connection (because they want the power- shows the insecurity & how they are threatened) and then to finally hurt you- ghosting & blocking. It’s the same but worse and saying move on doesn’t help- OP knows she had to and doesn’t want that negativity in her life but is sad and shocked at this! Because all of us would want to know why….It would make any of us feel we were not on steady ground and you don’t have to have a friend since birth to have a real friendship- some of the mums I’ve met over the years have been fun to hang out and some genuinely close friends- you can tell the difference and losing or seeing a friendship change is sad. Stay strong OP remember it’s them.

She sounds really bitchy tbh. Even if she thought those things about your new house, she was really rude to vocalise them. It sounds as though she wanted to hurt your feelings, for some reason. I'd let the friendship drop.