Conflicted after DS hit DD and she fought back and beat him up?

Yep, this forum hates men so much that a male kid getting beaten up, aged ELEVEN, is just desserts and happy days.

OP - I can't understand why, when you saw your son clearly struggling with his sister being faster/stronger/whatever than him (prior to this fight), you didn't offer him some support and reassurance? Your post sounds a bit gleeful, but back in the real world you are raising a potentially problematic man-to-be.

As for the fight, everyone's right, boys do outgrow girls quite quickly, and your daughter's going to need eyes in her arse living with a growing boy who hates her.

I agree with your DH. Too harsh, and also too far away - punishment needs to be the same day, or close to.

If you've taken their phones away for the night that may be enough - along with letting them both know that you are disappointed in them. I feel this is an issue that needs talking through rather than punishment.

Your DS at 11 is getting too old to lash out out of frustration (he's not a toddler) and his school certainly won't put up with it. Can you try to talk to him about how he felt; work with him to find strategies for managing his emotions; maybe a little bit of counselling/therapy?

Like you, I would be proud of your DD for standing up for herself. However, she also needs to learn control, (1) because self-defence should be proportionate as pps have said, and (2) he's her brother ffs. Again, what's needed is some serious conversations about what she felt, how she reacted, what she could have done differently.

So many concerning things. DS being embarrassed about losing to girls. Where did he get that from? That’s the first thing to fix. Then he hit his sister. Then your pride at your daughter beating him up so he had to be carried. Did DN join in as well? The fact that your DN will now mock DS.
You guys have some strange gendered family dynamic.

I am not even going to comment on the 9 year old having a phone and that being the punishment.

No, its people saying that a person attacked another person and got their arse handed to them. Nothing to do with sex or age!

Well shes under the age of CR but the parents may well still have called the police given that it appears to have been an assault. It wasnt self defence.

Obviously needs to be consequences for both of them but to offer some reassurance, I used to fight with my two years older brother all the time, play fights would turn into real fights very easily (but still glad my parents didn't stop the play fights because we did enjoy them, though grew out of them by the time my brother was about 12 or so, so perhaps yours will grow out of this soon) but we are good friends now and were mostly good friends throughout childhood. We absolutely still compete.

Neither of them should be hitting each other.

She needs to sort out both kids. They should not be fighting, full stop and their parents should’ve have guided them away from this behaviour years ago.

No pride to be had. Parenting fail.

Which wouldn’t have happened had he not started it.

I think the ‘competitions’ need to stop. A strong talking to for both of them. Hitting people is wrong. Find something your son is good at.

I assume they're both involved in sports at school.

I would bollock both, but seperately - and I would come down hard on him for hitting his sister and taking out his frustrations on her, or attempting to.

Ask him what he thinks would happen in competition if he got frustrated at either a team mate or an opponent being better than him, and he decided to start hitting or trying to provoke them - he would likely be barred from competition, lose his place on a team, etc etc.

Some people will always be faster, stronger, better, than you. That it is his younger sister is hard, you can acknowledge that, but if he has got to learn to handle it or give up competing entirely. There is no room in sports for violence and aggression at losing!

OP please, please don't punish her. Please. You will be teaching her not to defend herself. That there is something shameful in defending herself. That if a male hits her, she has no right to fight back. I'd say punish neither. Your son learned a lesson and is unlikely to ever hit her again. Your daughter will now recognise her strength and will learn to respect it.

But please, please, PLEASE don't punish her. Take the phones off them tonight and then 'call it quits' and call it even. If you punish her you are sending her the wrong message about self defence. Please don't punish her for merely defending herself. That will break her spirit and make her less likely to fight back when she needs to.

There's standing up for herself and going too far which is what she did. I grew up with two brothers and these things happened all the time but it never went anywhere near the level where any one of us had cuts/bruises/had to be carried.

She also needs to learn that people will be bigger and stronger than her and in a couple of years that's likely to be her brother. This competition between them needs to stop now and they both need to learn.

Wow. It's an 11 year old boy who has been badly beaten up! Wtf is wrong with you thinking that's OK? I can't believe some of the posters here thinking that it's great that somebody got beaten up because he's a boy!

Not RTFT but I always told my kids that the person who raises their hand first is in the wrong and that whatever they receive from the person they attacked, they should accept as consequences.

So DS was in the wrong for attacking her, and he cant get cobby that she belted him back bigger and harder. I would say the same if DD had attacked him and had retaliated.

Your DS should never have hit your DD, your DD went way too far in retaliation. A shove or hit back I could understand, but beating him to the point he’s bruised and bleeding is unacceptable.

I’d impose consequences on them both and completely ban wrestling/roughhousing type of play altogether as they can’t handle it. My DS and his friends can’t handle roughhousing either, it always ends up with someone getting angry and hitting. So I and the other mums step in very firmly and put a stop to it the moment it starts, if they don’t stop immediately there are consequences.

I’d also be having a firm discussion with DD about the difference between self defence and unacceptable retaliation. And, separately with your DS that hitting his sister was a) unacceptable, no matter how salty he was feeling and b) stupid, as he found out. I’d be clear that it was wrong that she beat him so badly but point out that this is a good lesson for the future that if he starts a fight, he may well come out of it worse.

Your son is covered in cuts and bruises and had to be carried inside, has he had medical attention?

You should be very proud of your daughter for standing up for herself and not backing down to anyone!

Sort your son out. He needs to learn and fast that there will always be someone bigger and better than him including women.

This is put so much better than I was going to put it.

He started a fight and lost, don’t dwell on the embarrassment of it but there should be consequences for both (him for starting, her for escalating!) and then work on managing the relationship between them.

Find things they enjoy doing together and encourage it. Discourage physical competition between the two of them and make sure any and all physical altercations are dealt with firmly.

What has his birthday got to do with anything? She has already beaten the crap out of him so he's had his punishment. You sound proud of your daughter being violent. I would be very concerned if one of my ds beat the other up!! One is way stronger but luckily he's got enough sense to just hold the other down if they fight.

I think you are treating your son like shit just because he's a boy. If he'd been a girl you would have been livid with your dd.

He got what he deserved.

No to a cancelled cinema visit. There has to be something else.

Why would you punish him and not her? If she had hit him, and he properly beat her up, would you feel pride in him?

She should have come and told you. That would have been the right course of action. I’d be punishing them both equally and talking to them individually about violence, self defence and not taking matters into their own hands. I wouldn’t cancel the family cinema trip as it is for his birthday, unless you plan to cancel her birthday plans whenever they occur.

I’d also put an end to these strength competitions since you can see it’s a trigger and clearly impacts your son’s self esteem.