Conflicted after DS hit DD and she fought back and beat him up?

It wasn't just self defense. I'd be pissed off with both of them.

Where are posters getting that he was winding her up?
She knows she is stronger and faster and knows that it bothers him that she is better, yet she and DN invited him to competitive games
Including wrestling and physical contact.
The OP didn't see what happened and only found out when the DN came in to get her as it had gone too far.

The OP needs to stop this before it happenes again.

If he has cuts and bruises, it was more than self-defence. They both both thought violence was the way to deal with the situation. You mentioned phones. Have you any idea what they’re accessing online?

Mine are older now but I didn’t allow physical fighting at this age.

Siblings do wind each other up but your son could have ended up in hospital after this fight.

You only talk about how strong and confident your daughter is but what is your son good at? What makes you proud about him?

I think rather than punishment, you need to be love bombing your son and daughter separately, making them both feel safe and secure in their own skin.

This is a wake up call for you to act before one of them gets seriously hurt.

You may be conflicted, but you can't punish your daughter for defending herself. Work on your son - he's 11, old enough to understand that putting your hands on anyone, let alone your little sister because (in his eyes) she dented his ego, is totally unacceptable. A few years from now, he could really hurt her or another girl. Violence against women starts somewhere.

@ForAmpleRobin

If genders were reversed and your 9 year old son beat your 11 year old daughter so badly that she couldn't walk, would you be proud?

Nor true at all. He might have been unable to walk because she punched him in the head and he was dizzy. Not being able to walk is actually concerning - he might have a concussion. Head injuries are not to be sneezed at. If he couldn't walk, it sounds like he needs a doctor - although I bet OP won't take him, since her little princess can apparently do no wrong and she wants to punish the child who has cuts and bruises.

I didn't say boy did I? I was actually thinking girl in my head tbh because I've seen some pretty nasty fights between girls.

Why do both kids need to be sorted out? DD is playing with her DC and winning when DS tries to play. DS gets jealous and hits DD because he can’t handle it. DD decides not to take his crap and hits back harder.

The only parenting fail here is the way the DS is being raised. At no point should he think it’s acceptable to hit someone just because he’s jealous and isn’t getting his way. The DD however shouldn’t be told that she should back down or back off when someone regardless of who it is tries to attack her.

Siblings fight but this has completely escalated. I don’t think you should be proud of either of them at all! I think it’s slightly worrying that you’re proud of your dd holding her own.

You need to stop this competitive nature that you seem to be contributing too. Yes your dd is doing well so encourage it but not at thr expense of saying says stronger than your son. You can see this is clearly bothering him that he’s now acting out.

A real conversation on violence needs to be had with both your children. Your son was that upset that he couldn’t control his emotions and reacted to hurting someone. This is something you need to address and not just be cancelling a party. You need to speak to him and work together on how he can appropriately handle his emotions, work on self regulation.

You also need to address your dd hurting someone. She didn’t just play fight, she hurt him to the extent that he has bruises and cuts and you needed to carry him inside, that is massively worrying that your dd continued to hurt someone and wasn’t able to control her own behaviour.

The possibility of your niece now spreading this through the family is humiliating for your son but also for you, that you and your dh have allowed this to happen. Children fight but this is an extreme situation compared to play fighting.

Your son thought it was ok to hit his younger sister and "try to subdue her". He started it and she finished it.

Dead stop right there. Where's he getting this thinking about hitting and subduing younger girls? You need to be going through his stuff, like a phone or laptop if he has one.

You need to ask your daughter if he's gotten aggressive and or physically violent with her before.

New rules starting now. No physical contact. Period. If your son is bruised and bleeding he might need to be physically checked, especially if there were head blows or kicks. Privileges, gone. He did wrong and he knows it, starting physical violence with a 9 year old girl.

Now, your daughter. She's young, but she needs to be taught proportionate response. You don't beat someone bloody for a punch unless there's been prior aggression. This is her one freebie because she was attacked. From now on, physical fighting is punished. Beating the shit out of her bro will not be tolerated.

I think you're going to have to really supervise them, there's something going on here. Depending what your daughter tells you about if there is a history of physical aggression here, you might consider counseling.

Sort out his jealousy and low self esteem now. There must be something he genuinely enjoys?
Jealousy makes people very dangerous.
Spend time with him and teach them to respect one another otherwise they gunna hate each other
So sad.

No child should have to defend them self within the family home to the point of cuts and bruises to the other though.

There is lots of children in our immediate and wider family. They are all similar ages and competitive but none have ever needed to defend to the point of attacking their sibling and leaving a mark. The odd slap or push? Sure but never to the point of injury to another

Op should not be secretly proud of this dynamic

If she punched him in the head, he may well be stunned or have concussion.

This. They’ll have no relationship as adults.

I have 2 boys and a girl- the boys sometimes ‘rough play’ and we stop it as we know that somebody could get hurt. If DD was doing the same- she is not interested in it at all- we would also stop her. They are children- they should not be hitting or hurting each other, and they need to know that is not ok. Self defence is one thing, but this sounds like it went far beyond that. With experience in my work, it doesn’t always matter who ‘started it’ or what gender/age/size they are, but the use of force and whether that was a reasonable response- which this does not sound like it was.
I also agree with a previous posters about the messages it gives your son if both are not at least spoken to. What happens if he does become bigger and stronger and believes that he can then retaliate with excessive force if hit first.

Before this fight how have you been dealing with the tension that has been growing between your children? Personally if you knew they were having problems and your niece was also part of the problem then I wouldn’t have left them unsupervised altogether.

I was always taught someone hits you you hit them back and I have taught mine the same but I would not be happy if one had not only hit back but had in your words ‘beat them up’ and had to be carried in with bruises and cuts. That’s unacceptable and I would be punishing your daughter more than your son in this situation. Your son also needs some kind of punishment for hitting first but also needs help regarding the problems that are arising from the fact your daughter is stronger etc.

I don't think it's a good idea to promote violence as the amswer, don't you think there is enough of that in the world?.

I'll remember this thread when a poster starts a thread about her son, who wrongly hits a male peer at school and then gets beaten the crap out of by that peer in 'self defense', to the degree that he has cuts and bruises on him

Well Im sure the boy just deserved it and the peer was provoked yes?

No, she retaliated and clearly went way too far. Both were out of order.

Opening him up to teasing and bullying could make this worse. Any adults in this family to take control and direct that violence is wrong.

So because a boy will be bigger at some point she should take whatever crap he gives and back down now so she doesn’t hurt his fragile little ego?

If cuts and bruises are involved it’s because he went too far and she had no choice but to defend herself in my opinion.

They both get punished. Your DD is actually the worst offender. She was undoubtedly deliberately provoking her brother with the competitive games and then she went far further than self-defence. They are 11 and 9 this is not about violence towards females. This is 2 children fighting and you should have boundaries and appropriate consequences in place. I'd be extremely disappointed in my DD if she'd beaten up her brother so badly, not proud!

I would approach it as: what lessons do you want your DD and DS to learn? It sounds like you want them both to learn that fighting and physical violence is never okay, which is a really important lesson to learn.

To help them learn, I’d suggest cancelling privileges for both of them. To keep it proportionate, perhaps cancel a one-off occurrence of a regular privilege they have e.g. cancel their ‘pocket money’ this week, cancel a fun treat you had planned for them this week. And also talk to them separately first - and then together - about why they behaved as they did and why it’s not okay.

I wouldn’t recommend cancelling your son’s birthday treat as it’s not completely unrelated to what he did. It’ll just upset him and make him feel resentful and he won’t learn anything from it.

Why do both of them act instinctively on this way- it is very violent.