Conflicted after DS hit DD and she fought back and beat him up?

The thought that I would be pleased that one of my son’s had been hurt to this extent is abhorrent
he is the OPs son
its a depressing world we live in

and daughter

I’m so glad to read your post, as when & If brought up in any way or conversation, and I happen to say my sons at 32 & 27 have never ever hit each other or had a physical fight ever people find it hard to believe. Yes they’ve had disagreements of course from being kids but never physical., it’s just wrong full stop.

I would punish DS for starting a fight. Perhaps talk with DN and see if she can be persuaded that DS has learned his lesson (I assume he has apologised to both of his victims) and ask her to be discreet for his sake?

If you think any of the three children are seeing this in sex-based terms and making those kind of assumptions about what "should" have happened/who "should" have been stronger, I'd talk to them about how men have significantly more upper and considerably more lower body strength than women post-puberty so hat tthey understand that what has happened is likely due to their specific stages of development in flux, and is not at all typical of the relative strength of men vs women as adults. This may, and probably should, assuage DS's embarrassment a bit too, not that that should be the goal).

my exact thoughts, yet another example of how much hatred there is for boys on this site
it’s predictable but disturbing all the same

Absolutely none of the violence is good/ justified from either in any way or form. Coming from being on the receiving end of a violent childhood I detest violence in every way and form., it’s disgusting your actually even asking who is right and wrong. I think your son could benefit from professional help.

Where were you
How did you not hear a fight going on in your garden it must have been going on a while for her to batter her brother that much
They both need a firm talking to so that they understand that what they have done is totally unacceptable.
If you don't sort it now next time it could escalate and be much worse
What if your niece hadn't been there to run in to get you
What could have happened could have been so much worse

Agree!

The petulant boy couldn't cope with losing to girls and swung at his sister.

He got his ass handed to him on a plate, and he deserved that

This girl needs to be encouraged to stay as competitive as she feels like being, to run faster and to climb higher and to lift heavier against whoever she's competing, without regard for the feelings of whatever poor ickle diddums she bests.

The posters here who are complaining about the girls' competitiveness should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

YABU to even consider punishing DD.

Your DS got his comeuppance, and your DD should be congratulated on walloping him.

Your DS needs a very stern talking to indeed on the topic of his entitled attitude and extremely poor sportsmanship, and how we do not take out our frustrations on others. I sincerely hope he learned a lesson from his little sister. He needs to apologise to her and to her friend for his bad behavior.

I'm not even sure he started it exactly. From what OP has said it sounds like the two girls were ganging up on the boy, who eventually had enough and hit his sister. He should not have done that, of course but for his sister to then beat him up is appalling. 2 against one is never a good thing, it always leads to trouble. I experienced it myself at a similar age. My younger sister and the boy from next door used to torture me regularly and I was absolutely not allowed to retaliate, ever. In fact my DM found it much easier to assume I was lying. I was not. It only stopped when the boy's father caught them at it. Unfortunately sister dearest had realised that she could do whatever she liked and remain unpunished.
The boy grew up into a lovely, kind person. My sister did not and I am completely NC with her.

Yes this. He started it (bad) she went too far (also bad). Not something to really be”proud” of.

Content to know she can defend herself, yeah ok, I get that, but if she carries on like tbat, one day someone will flatten her back. I would not be happy with either of them.

What on earth is this thread?!?

I've got 3 sons (24, 18 & 16) and do you know how many actual fights they've had?

None!! Not one! The younger two have argued a bit, they can snap at each other & wind each other up but actual, drawn out, physical fights?! Absofuckinglutely not!

I'm not some passive hippy or anything but I came down on them like a tonne of bricks if there was so much as the start of a scuffle when they were little. What happened in your garden would have made me lose my absolute shit at both of them for different reasons & your attitude is blowing my mind!

Oh and by punishing him on his birthday and letting her off scott free you are creating a perfect storm of resentment and being very unfair.

Arghhhh this thread has me riled. Perfect little miss getting her way, enabled by you at his expense. Preference screams from your posts. Your not so subtle gloat that she is better than him and you wonder why he lashed out.

Poor kid.

Jesus christ. You are proud that your daughter beat up your son.

Check yourself. Something is hideously wrong in your family.

Your DS should NEVER have raised his hand to his sister. She definitely should have retaliated but NOT to the point that he was so hurt you had to carry him away.

These children are 9 & 11. Similar in physical strength and stature. I would say that your daughter sounds hyper competitive and possibly a bit of a bully ganging up on your son. He is growing up to hate his sister with possible long lasting impacts on his ability to sustain a non violent relationship.

You are lauding her violence and minimising his violence.

This sits SQUARELY with you. Don't feel conflicted, do something decisive about this.

EDIT: sp.

This

Sadly I have to agree.

I think you ought to ban any rough play . Would you have felt proud if he beat her up ! I had 4 and hitting was not allowed at all. I'd have words with both of them and a warning that if it happens again they'll be grounded . Other than that it's a learning experience for everyone .

What, fight to the extent that a child has to be carried covered in cuts? Really? My DCs scrapped sometimes, but just with a push or slap, quickly stopped by myself. My DCs never ‘beat each other up’. Sounds like OP was actively encouraging the fight. Highly disturbing.

I find it appalling that a parent wouldn’t show concern that their child was so badly injured by a sibling that they had to be carried. It’s never okay to condone violence. Parenting at its worst.

Disturbing behaviour from both kids, totally weird. Sounds like you will be visiting them in prison before long.

Yeah
This is awful. I can't believe anyone thinks it's okay. And the OP saying that kids rough house they're too old for that now and this is exactly why it shouldn't be done.

he had to be carried in doors what the fuck? What the hell kind of sibling dynamic is this and OP sounds like she's not bothered.

Why do you feel conflicted? Your kids are close in age and had a fight. Siblings fight ALL the time! It’s pretty normal. They are kids!

OP, safety at home for your daughter does not lie in her ability to defend herself when he hits her, it lies in both of them learning that they should not be hitting each other.

You cannot let either of them think it's ok for this to have happened.

Yes, right now she can hurt him, she's a strong 9 year old and he's obviously not a terribly strong 11 year old. That's right now though. He's older than her, he is soon going to be going through puberty and then he is very likely to be much stronger than her. You have got to deal with this right now in a way that does not leave either of them thinking it's good to have done what they did.

I agree with you regarding DV. But this isn’t that- for a start, these are children, and also, the antecedent to this incident is unclear, as OP didn’t witness it.

If it’s the case that her DS was just being a sore loser, then her daughter was acting in self-defence at least at the start of her retaliation.

But the fact that the lead-up to this was the children playing a game that involved wrestling each other to the floor, and the DS is physically the weakest of the three, is relevant context. It’s unclear whether this was a game he was keen to play, or whether he was keen to play it but then wanted it to stop once he’d been taken down a few times, or exactly what happened. It may have all been good fun from the DD’s point of view but a very unpleasant and possibly frightening experience from the DS’s if he kept being wrestled to the floor by two children who are both stronger than him. Hitting may well have felt like self-defence from his perspective. Or, he might actually just be a mini misogynist, as some PPs have said. But as OP wasn’t there to witness, it’s going to be very difficult to get to the bottom of.

agree that OP has to draw an absolute line in the sand and forbid this type of physical play/competition between the siblings from now on and for the OP to keep an eagle eye so she can nip it in the bud right away. And to teach both children to have a more respectful sibling relationship.

She shouldn't even have to defend herself.