AIBU to want to tell colleague’s wife about his workplace affair?

My DSIS got a phonecall from her husband's colleague, asking to meet her as she wanted to tell her something. DSIS was very grateful, he'd been having an affair with a colleague openly in the workplace and felt DSIS should know. He blamed it on a mental elf episode and they got back together a few months later after going to counselling and him "finding God". The 'informer' got sacked, BIL had another workplace affair a year later and they have been married for years now. My point is, the messenger often gets shot here, so tell her anonymously if you have to, giving enough details so that she will know it's not some random letter/email.

Yet another reason to stay out of it.

If you put yourself in the wife's position, do you feel like you'd want to be told?

I think I would.

I would personally stay out of it.

I think his wife may know or suspect. He sounds grim! I would keep out of it though.Especially if he's senior in any way

I personally would just stay well out of it if it was my boss. Yes it’s morally wrong, but not my circus and I wouldn’t want my career impacted from getting involved.

it will come out eventually. These things always do.

We don't know that though. We only know about the ones that do come out.

So sorry about your cheating fucker. I've been cheated on (not married) and it's such a sucker punch.

Onwards @Nando123 and in time, upwards 💐

I’ve been the wife. I knew he was having van affair but he denied and denied and made me feel I was going mad.

Someone from his office sent me an anonymous message to tell me. I am glad they did, although it was awful. Although I’m still plagued ten years on by who it was, and I’d normally say don’t do it anonymously but I see why in your case.

Tell her @Berrylipshade

Do it anonymously. I would definitely tell her.

I have to agree, you don't know his wife, as in she's not your friend & inevitably he will smarm his way out

"sisterhood" whatever that means extends to friends, colleagues is way more grey murky

Secretly video the shenanigans at work on your phone and send anonymously to his poor wife. I would want you know if I was being cheated on, and evidently after I left my ex I was told by another gent that the ex had had it on with a friend of ours.....he even told me her name so had yo be true.

I was going to suggest this. Then she can turn up and see for herself.

Yes, tell her, but be anonymous to protect your own job. Even if you plan to leave - stay anonymous.

But give her enough detail so she can check it out herself and gather evidence.

Please tell her anonymously! Ok imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and noone told you! Sounds like he's having his cake and eating it and he is due some humble pie!

Iv been the wife in this situation, my ex was cheating on me with a girl he worked with and no one told me I only found out because his friend ended up telling me when he found out months into it. Apparently the whole restaurant they worked in knew and also knew I was at home with two small children one a few weeks old when it started, I wish I’d been told sooner. Make a fake facebook account and message her or something like that what she does with the information then is up to her

Maybe tell her anonomously. Let her know their lunch plans so she can see for herself or hire an investigator if she wants to. Giving her some detail affirms that it's not just a malicious lie.

So don't get involved.

Yes, tell her secretly. He's a pig and you'd do her a massive favour to help her to make the decision to get out while she still has a shot at rebuilding her life rather than wasting 20 years on a sleazeball.

I would tell HR anonymously, on the basis the public displays of affection are noticeable, uncomfortable to watch and unprofessional, but not his wife.

I wouldn't tell his wife. It would be far more effective if you confronted him about it and told him how unprofessional and embarrassing his behaviour is and how uncomfortable it is for everyone when you all know he is married. Someone needs to be brave enough to say this with everyone else present as support in case he gets overly defensive

If it’s untenable to the OP, presumably job hunting would be a good plan. Because whatever happens if she tells the wife, it’s not going to be any more pleasant afterward

Of course not this isn’t anything to do with you

it it’s impacting your work you go and see hr

if she was a friend and you could support her that is different

It has nothing to do with respecting women it’s so do with you can’t go around acting like the morality police

Because if both parties are well regarded, and connected, it wouldn’t be difficult for either to poison the proverbial well for OP.

Winning a tribunal would require her to have evidence that this is what had happened, which is far easier said than done.

Or the sort that don’t believe in getting involved in the relationships of other people just because they don’t like them

I presume you know how it feels to have someone send you an anonymous note like that? Because I do. I have seen someone completely broken by it. She leant on me a lot at the time but spiralled for months. She was so focussed on it that it made the fallout worse. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.