AIBU to want to tell colleague’s wife about his workplace affair?

Do not get involved in this. Not tour battle and really nothing to do with you.

Okay in that case you’d be better telling her anonymously. How do you plan to let her know?

I would keep out of it.

You don't know what arrangements this individual has in their marriage, and there is also the considerable possibility that she is already well aware of his behaviour and that highlighting others' observation of it would make her even more embarrassed.

Equally there are spouses who know on a subconscious level but would rather stick their head in the sand, and wouldn't necessarily welcome your disclosure.

If she has young children and he is the main or only breadwinner, turning a blind eye may be serving a valuable purpose for her in terms of maintaining her home and lifestyle.

Also you still have to work with this person. How would that go down?

Anonymous would be better, but how are you going to do that? Send a grubby little note? Take pictures?

I personally wouldn't poke a nest of vipers like this.

Years ago it went on with several couples in a large company I worked with. They were like rabbits.

With one particularly salacious couple, two marriages ended and there was huge gossip, young marriags, fortunatelyno children involved.

She complained about the gossip at a night out some staff were out on among themselves, and HR Manager (cheeky fxxker) gathered all the WOMEN in her large department and told them to stop talking about it, that they were banned from discussing it.

A few of us got together and sent an email to the President of the company and the HR Director asking them on what basis they imagined they had a right to ban any member of staff from discussing anything they wanted outside the office in their own time.
We said we were shocked and offended at such an intrusion into OUR private lives and asked for clarification.

HR's arse were handed to them and everyone received a written apology and clarification for the unfortunate language and confusion!
Confusion my arse.
Misogynistic arse thought he could tell the little women what they could talk about.

I really wouldn't approach HR.
HR are not your friend and wouldn't hesitate to break your confidence.
If you can't do it totally anonymously, do nothing.
Gather a few photos if you can.
You never know when they could be used to drop him in it.

Sounds like they want to be caught.

this happened at my former workplace, they were meeting at a park near work and everyone going for lunch could see her car and his truck.

she had had a workplace affair before and that guy got pretty incensed about it. However I believe the wife found out after I left (nothing to do with me). They pissed people off in general so there was enough angry people who had motive to ensure the Mrs found out.

Yep, do tell her. Anonymously if you like.
I was the last to find out when my ex husband had an affair and I would've definitely wanted to know sooner. We had two children too.
Later on I did inform someone else I knew that her husband was cheating on her. She was grateful to know.

I was rung up by someone in my social group and also an HR manager came around to see me the same week as he had brought her to the work canteen.

They were thinking of sacking him but as I was not working they worried about my financial position if they did sack him. He was a lawyer in a huge firm and they moved
him to another department

He was given a furious warning.. We divorced but I still Ioved him and it took years for me to get over him and our son too who was devastated. He was four at the time.

Having been the one who was cheated on and finding out for myself and that everyone knew. I would tell her. I felt betrayed by him and everyone of our friends who “minded their own business”

You can't just tell people not to pass moral judgement. We are humans, it's what we do.

And if someone doesn't have the balls to get out of their existing relationship before shagging other people (or to request an open relationship) then I will very much judge them. Even more so if they do their flirting and cheating in what should be a professional environment

This. When it happened to me, and my partner was having an affair with a co worker, I felt humiliated. I also knew many of the other co workers and felt like I couldn't face them afterwards. I wish one of them had told me. The humiliation was awful.

I wish someone had told me that my husband was cheating when he did it 2 years ago. I don’t know if the 2 people he worked with knew what he was up to when he would go off, but I always feel
odd around them now. I hate feeling like they knew and they just went along with it in an ‘all lads together’ thing and I feel like a fool in their eyes.

If you can do it anonymously I would. The reason I'm saying that is because the very same thing happened to a really good friend of mine . Her husband was having an affair with his boss. The worst thing for her was all the workplace knowing and she didn't.

If their behaviour in the office is inappropriate, then speak to HR/your manager. Presumably the same approach if any colleagues acted inappropriately.

It isn’t your role or responsibility to pass moral judgement though. Leave them to it and mind your own business.

Please tell her.
I wish someone had told me.

There was a similar situation somewhere I worked, but both were married.
One of the team took it upon themselves to inform the wife anonymously. It played out in the workplace in a most unexpected and destructive way - too outing to elaborate, unfortunately. Accusations flying everywhere and an awful atmosphere. HR got involved and tried to foist some unreasonable and unworkable ’rules’ on us all. It was a really difficult time for the whole team and, to be honest, it was never the same afterwards.
The bloke ended up leaving, but the woman stayed on.

True 😩

Can I ask why you wouldn’t tell her? I’m not really clear on that. They’re making it everyone’s business so it doesn’t seem like a ‘mind your own business’ situation to me?

My ex cheated on me with someone at work. It went on for a year and I found out months after it had ended. I wish someone had told me!

Fuck it get on the phone & tell his Mrs everything you know; send her photos of the snuggled up together; bring all touchy feely; let her know what an absolute gobshite she’s married to ruin her life & that of her kids just so you feel better about the situation.

Mind your own fucking business it’s fuck all to do with you where he pokes his penis for all you know they might have an open marriage; she might not be able to have sex anymore so she’s happy for him to be jumpy the company slag, keep out of what’s not your story, unless you have dress of wanting to be his next conquest.

I feel your pain OP. Similar situation at my workplace but it is the single male boss and a married female member of staff. We’ve all met her Husband and she’s forever talking about him and how loved up they are.
They work late together most nights and have been seen kissing and holding hands by multiple people. Lots of in jokes and nobody is allowed to question her in any of the work she hasn’t done. She has also recently been promoted (by him) to a senior position that she is not remotely qualified for with no consultation with any other senior managers.
It’s so unprofessional & puts everybody in a very uncomfortable situation and quite a small business with no HR department so really difficult to speak out. I would love to tell her husband but can’t bring myself to get involved despite everybody talking about it. Seriously thinking about looking for a new job because if it.

Cheaters/abusers only get away with this because bystanders do nothing!

I'll admit now I've not read everything but as the 'wife' in my own situation I would have been really grateful if someone had given me the heads up so much earlier. Looking back I became so mentally abused and used to being walked over that I was letting the red flags go unchallenged that not only was wasting my life but meant my kids didn't/haven't seen the woman I am underneath. Don't expect her to thank you immediately, she may have been desperately plastering over issues pretending that her life is perfect, and having the rug pulled from her will, initially hurt. It will hurt like hell but approaching 21 months on I can honestly say I am better for knowing. One of my biggest regrets is the time that has been wasted. Now I want this divorce over and the freedom to be me back! Always tell them!!!