Family Emotional Terrorism

send a modest bunch of flowers. then see them monthly.

Dropping the rope is like a muscle.
The more you exercise it and step back, the easier it is to gain clarity.
Change is not easy, but peace is the prize.
At the moment it is a scab that is constantly being picked.
Not good for you, your life, your family.

Good.
Don't get into it with your mother.
Just be busy, busy, busy on a loop.
If you refuse to dngage, be available, to discuss anything, you deny her the oxygen that she wants.
Just be busy with stuff where you live and stop visiting.
They can't make you.
So take back control and leave her to your brother.
They are bringing nothing to your life or that of your children, so make them unimportant in it.
Then when you do decide to make a short visit, it really won't bother you so much.
You can't change them, so stop trying.
Change what you can, whichbis your response to all of this.
It works.

No flowers.
A plain card and no further visit.
As for a friend caling you.
I would have denied all of it, asked the fridnd was SHE ok making suchba strange call, and then dismiss my mother as confused, dramatic and a bit silly.
Don't ever admit stuff, play it down.

You really need to invest in friends, activities and connections where you live.
Leave your mother to your brother.

Why are you visiting every fortnight, OP? That's an awful lot, and your kids will be missing out on stuff at home while you're there. Dial it back to 2 or 3 times a year and everything will feel much less fraught.

Call her out on her nonsense the next time she tries her gaslighting and don’t contact her anymore. This sounds pretty toxic and a weird dynamic for them to start normalising with your son. It’s ok to tell your son directly that this is not normal or how most parents interact with their children.

Oh no. A card is quite enough.

Then don't you bother either.

Tbh why flowers? Save the £££ and treat you and your dc to a cake and a drink at a nice cafe at the weekend instead..
You know db will have sent a bigger /better bouquet so why bother?

‘It is what it is I suppose. I won’t cut them off at this stage as they haven’t upset the kids just me, but I will certainly step back.’

This is sad, you’re important too. You certainly don’t need to wait until they hurt your children.
I found we didn’t even need to ‘cut them off’ we were already cut off anyway. Always kept on the outside. You just stop everything from your side and the tumbleweed soon arrives.

We’ve tried discussions, we’ve tried explaining how we’re made to feel but we’re exaggerating, lying, causing problems. Basically put up and shut up. But no more. My kids didn’t need to be told where the cousins had been taken, about their recent sleepovers, about what they’d been given, bought, how amazing they are accompanied by the photos shoved in their faces as proof. I’m sad I let it continue as long as I did. My kids were seen once or twice a year if that, our invitations to them were always cancelled last minute in favour of others even if the plans had been made months in advance.

Perhaps try and be clearer?

Distance yourself from the drama. Don't visit everyone couple of weeks - you're busy, you're taking the kids out, whatever. Break the cycle and back away from them.

I was your children in this scenario growing up. My paternal grandmother was not interested in my sisters and me, but my cousin's were amazing and very clearly her favourite. I didn't understand when I was growing up, I remember trying so hard to please her but she wasn't interested. A few years ago I let her go. I grieved for her as I lost a grandmother (not literally) but she was so toxic and could be so nasty, I've felt so free without her. It's really sad situation but I am far better no contact. I'm really grateful my Dad (and Mum) for trying to protect me from her nasty ways. I think you need to do the same for your children x

Did you post about this yesterday and then ask for it to be removed for some reason?
Your parents favour your brother and his son, its crap and not fair but you won't change it so change how you react instead
Drop the rope and leave them all to it, if you see them do it on your own terms and if your nephew is rude to you tell him off

Drop the rope, step back. It doesn’t have to be any major argument (it wouldn’t make a difference anyway) what follows is sad but becomes peaceful. We stepped back, we haven’t been spoken to since, we’re the villains in the story to everyone that will listen.
Whereas we’ve just chosen peace, we were never included, never invited, contact never reciprocated, facebook flooded with family adventures to places, that usually we’d suggested we could all get together and ‘oh it was just a last minute decision’.
We tried for so many years and eventually it just becomes too disheartening, too draining and when children become old enough to notice the difference in treatment themselves and ask why, that’s when it truly becomes enough.

Take a measured step back.

You do not owe your family anything.. including your Time and Presence.

I haven't seen/spoken to my older brother in weeks, i speak to his wife occasionally, and i will see him this Sunday and we'll talk as normal. I really only see him on Birthdays and special occasions and we're fine with that. It doesn't mean i don't love him, and we're not close.. but we don't feel the need to be performative about spending time in each others company for the hell of it.

You can love your family without spending every other weekend making nice with them for appearances sake if it isn't something you want to do with your lives!