Family Emotional Terrorism

This dynamic resonates with me and I recognise how difficult it is to actually make the decision, as well as the peace it finally brings.

it continues to be difficult at times, and they may well try to reel you back in. Keep this thread saved and read it back as needed to remind yourself why you did this in the first place. Sending lots of love and strength. It sounds like you have done the right thing for your family as well as yourself.

Sorry that your parents are the way they are op. It's so frustrating how they're blind (or pretend to be) of that dynamic of favoritism and the golden child. Glad your family is doing better though.

Just read your update. Well done.

That's so unpleasant. I'm sorry you have such awful relatives. All you can really do is detach. Don't apologise.

Ime everyone gets on better without those who head fuck our lives
Haven't seen my dm since 2012. I never send cards of any sort... She also hasn't seen my dc.

Hi Op. just be aware that feelings are funny buggers and you may find yourself second guessing things down the line. Estrangement, even when for cast iron reasons, is psychologically hard at times. It’s normal if you find yourself wondering about decisions, feeling sad, even wondering if you over reacted. Just remind yourself it took you a long point to get to this point and you and your family deserve better. The Father’s Day thing would have been the last straw for me too.

Glad you have finally made the decision to go no contact BUT you have to stick to it. You cannot keep putting yourself and most of all your children through this. Your parents have shown you who they are. Your Dad, knowing you were visiting goes out? He cannot even stay to meet his other grandchildren?
Your daughter has noticed, listen to the message she is sending you. Do not allow your parents to continue their behaviour of subtly undermining your children. Their loss.
Beware too of the flying monkeys. Don't engage with them other than to say, yourself, your children and their wellbeing are your priority. Close down any attempts to re-engage and continue the cycle.

Holy mackerel! Give it to them with both barrels.

I hope you are ok this morning @Ladybyrd and have a wonderful Mother's Day with your children and your partner.
Ignore or block any attempts from them to contact you. Definitely block the flying monkeys, the 'concerned ' friends. Time to redraw the boundaries.

I think you are in a narcissist- mother dynamic ( her, not you, being the narc). Brother iscthe Golden Child; you are the Scapegoat. Look it up - loads of 8nfo on the internet about it.

In your case, there is the added (a) need for your attention, cos narcs love attention and (b) an abusive element.

If you don't think this fits - well, they are, regardless, treating you shittily and you don't need to put up with it, especially since it beginning to affect your DC.

Put some distance between your family and The Terrorists.

The only way to stop this is to stop responding the same way. Set your limits and rules, stick to them relentlessly, do it on your own terms and step back further if there are any changes to what your mum is doing.

Don’t ring and apologise, I’m the fixer in my family too when everyone treats me badly. that’s who I was from birth until my late 40s, the eldest in charge of everyone, expected to look after everyone and I just don’t count.

Well I was they are all NC with me now, last time I saw a sibling was 3 years ago as my siblings have pushed me out of the family.

I talk to my DM once a week only nowadays. we don’t talk about my siblings and I won’t be calling on Sunday as she will have seen some of my siblings. I’ve just sent a card, letter and something tiny. I live hundreds of miles away and she’s never been to my home incase it upsets my siblings ,I’ve lived here about 8 years.

you need to distance yourself from all of it, it doesn’t sound like there’s a healthy set up between your parents, your brother and your nephew as it is as they should have helped him for his test not taken him out. So all sounds wrong. Plus your brother should have his own home.

so leave them too it, focus on yourself and your children. They don’t need to be hearing what’s been done that didn’t include them .I grew up in a very similar family where two of my cousins were the favourites. and it’s not healthy or ok. The last time I ever saw one GP as an adult I only lived a few streets away but wasn’t welcome. I went with my parent and my DC who was their only great grandchild. I was treated like a stranger and all I heard about once again were the two perfect cousins with their photos everywhere…..there were 18 of us grandchildren not 2. So sad.

You’ve gradually been pushed out, most probably since your DB moved back home, but also kept close enough for your mum to pretend everything is normal and to have you as a friend to talk to about her life.

But you’re not her friend, you’re her daughter with her grandchildren and should be treated the same as she treats your DB and nephew. She’s not doing this, so you don’t have to listen to the inequality.

Does your brother have plans to move out one day or is hoping to inherit their house?

Are your children a similar age to your nephew?

If (only if), you want to speak to them again, be busy busy busy and vague and let them do all the running. Oh yes it’d be great to see you! When will you next be in my town, let’s do lunch? Kids would love a day out with you let us know when suits! And when conversation turns to nephew, oh dear got to go! Brother must fill me in some time I’m sure he’ll give me a ring soon, chat soon, do let me know about dates, bye!

Ask them how they are going to do things differently to make your family feel included.

Don't ring and apologise as you haven’t done anything wrong. Instead (if they ring) double down on what you've said (if pushed) and then give them a months worth of space.