AIBU to exclude 1 child from friendship group from DS party??

This.

I feel so sorry for your son.

Imagine your own Mum trying to gaslight you into accept bullying. Come on.

Insane response

You need to support your son more if even the teachers seeing it and you are doubting what to do. This is bullying

I totally agree with this
Give a thought to what message you are giving your son if you don’t support his decision not to invite someone who bullies him to his own party
Do you think this child will be surprised?

Stand up for your son, you are supposed to be his advocate.

listen to him

I wouldn't want to invite a person who bullied me to my party either. Why won't you listen to your DS when he says he'd rather go without a party than spend time with his bully. If the bully gets left outaube he will learn to be nicer. I'd mention to child's Mum your DS says her son belittles him and makes your DS feel unhappy so you can't invite him until he stops the bullying.

Your priority is surely your son, not this other kid.

Why would your ‘heart break’ for this boy, and not for your son? Why should he be made to feel even worse than he already does, because of his mother’s desire to spare someone else’s feelings over those of her own child?

Your son isn’t being ‘unkind’ to not want someone that hurts him at his birthday party.

This!!!!

This

agreed. He really doesn’t want him there.

That’s the consequence of behaviour. If anyone says anything just be honest.

Being a parent involves a lot of occasions when we have to teach our children things; but every now and then, they end up teaching us. Your DS has a healthy attitude to not allowing deliberately unpleasant people to encroach on his boundaries and treat him badly; this is to be applauded and heartily encouraged.

It's not rocket science, surely, to realise that if you're repeatedly and deliberately nasty to people, they won't like you and want to share special treats with you? I'm sure his mum knows what he's like really, even if she's in denial; maybe she actively uses being ultra nice as a tactic for the very purpose of getting other parents onside and getting them to overlook her little horror's terrible behaviour, as it's easier for her than bothering to tackle it herself.

Sorry to be blunt, but this boy is clearly bullying him; and if you try to gaslight your DS into ignoring that and letting a nasty child come along to spoil and effectively steal his special day from him, you're kind of bullying him yourself as well. It's a bit like the equivalent of, say, knowing that your DS is terrified of clowns but still booking a clown to come to his party anyway.

The bully is seeing the consequences of his bad choices and his feelings about that are not your concern; your own DS's happiness IS very much your concern. You're unreasonable to call it his friendship group, when at least one of them is clearly not his friend. Would you befriend a bully and specifically seek to provide her with opportunities to spoil your day and hurt and upset you? If there are repercussions from this, so be it. Losing a nasty 'friend' is actually a gain; and if any of the others in the group prioritise the bully over your DS, they were never friends worth having either.

Yes, absolutely. There are actually something like 8 billion people who aren't being invited - many of whom are probably much nicer people than the bully - so he's in the vast, vast majority. It's just a party for your DS so invite a few of his friends to, and this boy has spent years actively being the opposite of a friend to him, so obviously he isn't invited!

This boy will consistently laugh at DS's work, belittle him if he answers questions wrong, hit him and push him over 'playfully' etc.

This is bullying.

There is 1 child in their group of 8 friends, who since reception he hasn't got on with.

You have allowed this bullying to go on for this long?

DS is quiet and lacks confidence a little,

Is it any wonder when the poor child is being bullied on a regular basis?

I would say calling it bullying feels a little extreme because I think it's just this boys personality.

You are minimising this shitty behaviour to the detriment of your own child

It was parents evening last week and his teacher said that my DS rarely puts his hand up, I explained that its because he lives in fear of being laughed at by said child.
He said yes, I am very aware of this and it's been raised on numerous occasions with him that it's unkind.

Your child's confidence and emotional well being is being undermined by the bully on a regular basis. Why are you not up in arms about this? You should be taking it further and asking the school what they are going to do to stop this boy making your child's life a misery.

He said he will ruin his birthday and he makes him uncomfortable. DS has said if I invite him he would rather not have a party (already paid the deposit) And I don't know what to do.

You don't know what to do? Are you for real?

Listen to your son. Poor little boy.

My worry would be this boys behavior to your son could get worse if he is excluded. I would be inclined to speak to his mother and explain what is going on in the hope she would address the situation. I hope it all works out.

It is DS’s birthday. I am assuming because of the numbers and ages that it is some sort of activity, which if so would give the mean boy plenty of opportunities to say mean things if someone messes up. I think your DS and his other friends have the right to enjoy an activity without worrying that someone is going to laugh at them or make them feel uncomfortable.

If you could bear to I think it might be a good thing to have that awkward conversation with the mean boys mother about him not being invited. Tell her that several of the children in the group have said the same thing, that her child’s behaviour and attitude makes them feel uncomfortable because he often makes negative comments and is quick to mock, and because of that you have decided not to invite him. I would steer clear of the word bully because it is so emotive and will only make her more defensive, and I would also explain that it is you who has vetoed the invitation. I might also chicken out and put it all in a text!

It's your son's party. He can exclude who he likes. This child doesn't sound like friend to your son.

I think YABU. Life isn't fair, it's not meant to be. The younger we learn that the more tools we can amass in our arsenal to deal with it when it happens again.

Put your big girl pants on and support your child.

You need to support your son and not invite the other boy.

Sorry, I don’t get this. Why is your “heart breaking” for a kid that belittles your son? Are you sure that you don’t just feel a bit awkward about what his Mum will think? It’s okay to find it awkward as the adult (and to admit that to yourself) - but ultimately it’s your son’s party and I really think you should support him. It’s not even just that he doesn’t like this boy, it’s somebody that bullies him!

Your son us your priority. He is being bullied and you seem to feel sorry for the bully. Your son has bravely and quite understandably said he doesn't want this bulky at his birthday part abd yiu are still concerned about this other child? I think you may fail to realise the impact of this child's behaviour on your son. I wonder if you are more concerned about his mother? Please support your son.

Your son is old enough to know what he wants and I would support his.

But, I think he is also old enough to know that this action could have irreparable consequences in the friendship group going forward. I would absolutely support his decision whilst also talking to him on what could potentially happen in the group.

Back your son, definitely. I remember doing the same at my own birthday party as a kid and it would have absolutely wrecked my day if that child had been there being a dick to me.

Unfortunately this boy is going to have to learn to be nicer to people.

Well partly because you haven't made it clear what you are asking.. you say 'please help me decide what to do' not ...

You are being unreasonable - Listen to your son and exclude the boy
You are not being unreasonable - Invite the boy - Ignore your son

OR

You are being unreasonable - Don't leave the poor boy out
You are not being unreasonable - You must listen to your son

I think depending on your stance reading your opener it is possible you could take the vote either way

Personally I feel you should not invite the boy. (and clicked you are being unreasonable)

Dd Insisted on leaving someone out once, a really old friend who could be a bit boisterous and unkind. It was really embarrassing to face her mum afterwards. What was worse was that they were friends again the next week. Dd would have been really upset to be left out like that if the tables were turned.

I'm totally with the majority and will say you must back your son. It's fantastic that he's been brave enough to set this boundary with you - support him in enforcing it.
I think it's a shame, if you have had discussions about the relationship/ behaviour at parents' evening, that you don't appear to have ever tried to do anything about it before now (e.g. by addressing it with the mum since you clearly know her - and I don't mean by having a go at her, I mean by talking to her and trying to get to the bottom of it/ influence it). However, you haven't - so it's going to come to a head now inevitably because the child isn't getting invited to your son's party.
I do think it's right to address it with the mum now (given you know her) - that's what I would do and it's also what I would want if I was her, to at least be prepared to help manage the impact on my child of not being invited.
More generally, horrible though it is I would rather know if my child is behaving problematically, and have the chance to help them through it to hopefully behave better/ become a better friend.
What I strongly disagree with is those throwing 'the b word' about as if it's nothing. To me, the word 'bullying' implies actual intent on the part of the bully. It's possible here that such intent exists, but it's also possible the child really doesn't understand the impact of their actions fully for whatever reason. The child is 9, it's still very young. Some might say 'old enough to know better' and I do have some sympathy with that, but every child is different. If, for example, the child is struggling with undiagnosed and/or unsupported ADHD, that wouldn't make me think their behaviour is OK as the impact on your son is the same and as I said at the start, your son absolutely deserves to be supported. But it would make me have more sympathy for both the other child and his mum/ parents, and NOT brand him as 'a bully'.
But the main thing is - support your son. What on earth message does it send him if you are going to force him to invite somebody to his birthday party when he's been SO clear with you it will ruin it for him? No, you are his safety and security. Don't take that away from him.
(P.S. depending on maturity of your son, I might be inclined to have an 'are you sure' conversation with him to play out possible consequences in age appropriate language - e.g. what if X is upset with you and doesn't want to play with you any more, etc - but as I say, depending how you think your son will take it. And if the whole thing DOES cause ructions - be prepared to continue to support your son. There is no reason he should suffer being on the receiving end of what amounts to abusive behaviour just to avoid the possible fallout of setting a boundary. But that doesn't mean it's always going to be easy to set and hold the boundary...)

Obviously exluding is hard but you cant invite a kid who is bullying your son to his birthday party. The fact that your ds is being open with you about this is huge and you want that to continue. He trusts you and you as his parent are his safe space. I cant imagine how he'd feel if you went against him on this. And tbh all feelings aside, I'd be damned if anyone who was belittling my child got anywhere near him if I could help it.