AIBU to exclude 1 child from friendship group from DS party??

To be honest @Theroadt i wouldn’t reciprocate an invite in those circumstances either.

To me it looks like it worries you what the mum will think that she will be upset with you rather than focusing on your son having a fun party where he is prioritised. The boy doesn’t sound nice at all. So the argument seems like it’s between you and your son rather than anything to do with the actual classmate.

I probably would leave the boy out but warn DS there will be consequences to that decision. My son had similar at his 8th birthday party. There were 18 boys in his class and he invited 10, with about 4 outside school friends, to a swim party. One boy excluded was in his friendship group of 4/5, but he was adamant he didn’t want to, for similar reasons. The mum was great pals with the mum of one of the others in the same group, and when it was his party my son was the only boy out of the whole 18 not invited, and it was deliberate (because another unconnected mum told me the motive had been broadcast). So as I say - all decisions good/bad have consequences.

It feels wrong, because you are conscious of the other boys feelings. He’s a kid too, despite his behaviour.
I had the same situation, DC didn’t want to invite 1 out of the group because of the same reasons. Pushing, shoving generally being unkind. So I didn’t. It might be a little awkward with the other parent but you don’t have to explain anything. When asked if he had a party I just said yes, nothing else.

This happened to me when I was 8 or 9, my mum got me to invite her in the basis it was mean to leave her out, she was awful to me at the party and mum pulled her up and ended up sending her home early and had a stand up row with the mum, who wasn’t very nice either so maybe that is slightly different. I remember it nearly 40years later so best not to invite him.

I hope the other mum takes it ok but I expect you may be overestimating here, I anticipate she will ‘turn ‘ on you in defence of her son, but hopefully she can make this a teachable moment as sounds like the class clown needs to dial it down a few notches. Good luck.

OP, you are not coming off well here. Disgusting to care more about the boy who bullies your child than to care about your child.

Also, what message are you giving to the bully? Clearly that bullying people is completely acceptable and won't have any negative consequences for you.

This could actually help the bully greatly as a teaching opportunity; much better to learn at 9 by missing out on parties and mending his ways, than to grow into an adult Verucca Salt and learn by going to prison for assault, because you just never learned that other people aren't only there as playthings to be abused for your personal amusement.

Weird, nonsensical thread. Of course your son shouldn't have to invite someone he doesn't want at the party.

Why should there be anything to debate?

I've done this before - absolutely no way was the girl bully of the class coming to my DD's party (obviously DD didn't want her there). All the other girls were invited as there were only a handful in a class. At some stage, kids have to learn that if they're mean to others, this is a consequence. Think they were all about 7 at the time. Glad to hear you are backing your son, as he shouldn't have to be uncomfortable at his own birthday party! If I were you, I would not reach out to the mum - just sounds like stirring / making drama, even though I know it is well meant by you.

She needs to address this though. Tell her what you’ve written here, what your son said to you and maybe she will address the fact he’s boisterous and unkind. Sounds like it’s been raised by school and nothing has changed. This is just the consequence.

I hate this culture of whole class parties ans children having to endure bullies because they have to "be kind"
Thank god its not a thing at my granddaughters school

Don’t invite him if the mum asks why tell her. Don’t even understand why this is a question seems obvious to me.

Also I’m sure the op can be decent and empathetic to the family. It doesn’t need to be confrontational. I would focus on your son’s feelings in my interactions with the mum rather than pointing out her son is being a little shit. So “the boys aren’t getting on very well at the moment “ etc

Let us know how the bully's mum takes it @Louisa80s

Your son will never forget if you put another kids comfort over his. Don't invite the bully. Stand by your son & show him you stand by his choice.

If it was me I’d respect my son’s wishes. He has good reasons for not wanting this boy there. However, I probably would message the other mother and explain that there have been a few incidents recently and x feels quite uncomfortable around y at the moment which is why he’s not invited to the party. I’d acknowledge it and say I hope they can move past it but right now that is x’s wish. I’d say I’m sorry if y is disappointed and that he deserves an explanation. The mother might be glad of the information and it’s not like she’s not going to notice. I did this once with another mother and we were able to remain friends. The other mother was clear eyed about her child though and took it onboard. She was actually grateful for the heads up. Interestingly our sons ended up being best friends years later.

Your son is adamant because he knows his boundaries. Support him! Your son is right to invite only nice friends to his party.

The other kid is constantly being unkind and therefore doesn’t get an invite. Cause and effect! It’s an age old lesson.

"Laugh at DS's work, belittle him if he answers questions wrong, hit him and push him over 'playfully' etc"

"Lives in fear of being laughed at"

Umm OP, this is bullying. Doesn't matter why the kid is doing it, if he "thinks he's the class clown" or if it's "just his personality" or he "doesn't realise". It's bullying.

Why are you trying to encourage your son to invite his bully to his birthday party?

This boy needs to be pulled up by adults on the way he is treating his "friends" and put a stop to this behaviour.

I'd say good for your son taking a stand on it, sounds like he's the only one actually calling it out for what it is even when adults are excusing it. He knows the way this kid is treating him is not right. He is only 9 and knows his own mind. That is wonderful and you should back him all the way.

You listen to your son. Why is this even a question? Bullying boy needs to start being shown actions have consequences

I would never have forgiven my Mother for inviting a bully to my party. Don't do it. Stick up for your son.

I would not invite the boy but speak to the boys mum and explain the reasons why and that you are sorry but you have to respect your son’s wishes.

Do not invite him but please do make a point of having a discussion, in private, with the bully's mother.
Otherwise, Bully's Mum is ignorant.

Explain that you know her son will be hurt, that your son refuses to invite Bully to his party because he fears him, that you have brought Bully's behaviour up a number of times with your son's teacher and the teacher has had words with Bully about being unkind.
Explain that you would normally default to invite all of a friend group but this time you will not go against your child's wishes.

Explain that in having this awkward the conversatioin you hope that Bully's mother can understand, and make the situation into a positive learning experience about being kind and unkind.

Time for the other kid to learn about consequences, I'm afraid. It shouldn't be your son's role to accommodate his behaviour in order to spare his feelings 🤷
To invite him against your son's perfectly reasonable wishes, would be to put the other kid first. Which in this case would unfair to your son.
(Edit: just seen OP's update:. 👍 good decision.

Also if at any point during this conversation with your DS have you said you think he should invite the bully, apologise to him.

I’m glad you’ve taken advice on board op and decided to back your son.

I do have to say i think it’s quite shocking that you had to ask in the first place tbh.

Sounds like your son is really being affected. I would definitely call it bullying. It’s really poor that this has been going on for so long and it’s also really poor that you are keen to get on so well with this bully’s mum.

Bully needs proper consequences.