AIBU to exclude 1 child from friendship group from DS party??

Sorry, your work colleagues went out on a jolly, out of work hours, nothing to do with anything official without the bully and the bully complained to the managers?! Wow! I hope the managers ignored the bully.

It’s a very simple situation. The OP’s child’s fault doesn’t want to have a child he doesn’t like, and who is persistently unpleasant to him, at his party. It’s really not that complicated. If there’s fallout, the OP will handle it, but the important thing remains, which is that her child enjoys his own ninth birthday party without the inhibiting presence of someone who mistreats him.

I think you should maybe get on top of the situation don’t doesn’t back fire. You need to have your so sons back if he says he’d rather no party than invite the boy. So you go ahead with the party without the boy but maybe drop the mum a text to let her know that your son thinks the friendship has moved on from past years and (lie) to say space is limited. Ask if she wants to arrange a park play or similar with the kids (not birthday related) if he feels sad or excluded to show it isn’t that. Maybe at the play you can observe and commentate the behaviour your son dislikes objectively and without emotions with her and offer to take your son home early if he wants so she can see the impact it’s having on

I don’t think based on what you’ve said you should just not invite him without reaching out to her. Her sons ‘clown’ act really might be masking insecurities too

I think these situations are inherently so difficult, because we can see it from the perspective of the other parent and child, and really feel for them. That said, I think you do have to back your son here. He is making a considered decision rather than being spiteful or unkind. It's the natural consequence of the other child's behaviour.

I think you could do quite a lot to make the situation less difficult by facing it head on and being proactive about it. I would message the other mum privately, before the invitations go out, and explain the situation. Keep it focused on your son's feelings rather than her son's behaviour. Perhaps something like:

Hi X, I wanted to mention something before [son's] birthday party invitations go out. We're letting [son] choose the guest list and he has said he doesn't feel comfortable inviting [your son]. He has found some of their recent interactions a bit uncomfortable and it has left him feeling anxious about spending time together.

I hope you understand this isn't meant unkindly. I know these things can be tricky with kids and their friendships. I'd really love for the boys to find a better footing with each other over time, and I'm very open to helping that happen if we can. I just wanted to be open about it with you, rather than it being awkward later.

She may be defensive about it and make accusations about your son's behaviour in return. If she does, just keep it calm, neutral and focussed on your own son's feelings - reiterate that you need to prioritise how he feels about his birthday.

Stop minimising what your son's telling you.
He says he's belittled, laughed at, hit, and you just say it's being "boisterous" and "playfully" hit.
You also want to invite this kid to his party, for potential more upset on his birthday.
Jeez. Poor kid.

That’s largely why I said I don’t know what I’d do. I’m not there and I don’t know how the situations are unfolding. But I do think people oversimplify these situations.

I'd have been gutted if my mum had invited my school bully to my birthday party.
Just no. YABVU.

It certainly is being a wet lettuce if, as a functional adult, you invite someone who persistently mistreats you to your party out of poor boundaries, people-pleasing and a misunderstanding of workplace bullying.

There’s absolutely no reason to force an eight year old who has been clear about not wanting this child at his party to invite his bully because of an adult misperception that inviting your workplace bullying to your parties is a normal and inevitable thing to do.

The title looks like you will exclude. The text goes the other way.

At nine your son sees clearly what is going on. He needs to be allowed to protect himself. If the bully feels bad it may be a wake up call.

The child has said he would rather not have a party than invite this child because of how he makes him feel. It’s supposed to be his special day and a 9 year old is old enough to understand that actions have consequences. Inviting the bully sends the message that his behaviour will be tolerated

There's no way in hell I'd be inviting this kid. Have your sons back. Screw this kid, if he's being unkind then he can learn he will lose out.

It is a black and white issue to me.

I wouldn't invite someone who belittles me or physically assaults me to a special occasion and it is the same for DC. Especially an ongoing issue and especially when he feels so strongly about it that he'd rather not have a birthday party at all than invite this child. They are also 9, not 2.

But then I also would've addressed it with his parents a long time ago so it wouldn't come as a surprise. I'd use this as a reason to speak with his parents.

It’s not about being a wet lettuce - it is about navigating difficult situations.

I do find MN very black and white on this issue. I honestly don’t know what I’d do if I was the OP; I do know that thundering about bullies isn’t it!

Work is completely different in terms of relationships.

It’s not the OP’s child’s fault if you’re too much of a wet lettuce to not invite your bully to your party. You get that your party is not a work event? That not inviting someone you work with and don’t like is in no way a work issue? HR would not have the slightest interest in whether nasty Susan from Accounts did or didn’t get invited to Angela the receptionist’s Eurovision party.

As an adult in work would you invite everyone in the team to your party except one person because they were bullying you? No doubting Monday the news would get back to them and they’d then say you are the bully for leaving them out. I understand the principle behind leaving him out but I think we need to prepare kids for the real working world. This exact thing happened at my old job and sure enough the one who was the bully made a massive complaint to the managers to say she was being bullied and the party was her evidence, whereas people struggled to find evidence of her original bulling behaviour as it was their word against hers.

A good lesson for the boy, I’d have thought. If you’re not nice to people, they don’t invite you to their birthday parties.

What about her poor sons perspective? If he doesn't want to spend a few hours at his birthday party with him in a group, he sure as hell isn't going to want to spend a day with him 1-1.

Your son should be able to have his voice heard and to make his own choice on his birthday. To say he'd rather not have a party at all if this boy was to come tells you the strength of his feelings, please listen to him and put his needs over your feelings of being awkward.

I think this is where I’m hesitating as MN are very, very quick to label any behaviour another child doesn’t like as bullying.

It’s often a bit more nuanced than that. Even supportive and close knit groups will have power plays and oneupmanships and petty differences. That’s often difficult to manage, especially for cautious and sensitive children.

I don’t know how the best way to manage this is but while in MN land this story ends with the ‘bully’ being read the riot act about why he wasn’t invited and the school playground clapping and cheering, in RL it may well be considered a form of bullying in itself (exclusion is) and may not go down well with the other boys or their parents.

If the other mum brings it up, a simple "I'm afraid X didn't want to invite Y because they were having some friendship problems." would be perfectly reasonable and any normal parent should be able to accept that. If she's a halfway decent parent, she would also be aware of which friends her son gets along with or if he tends to make snide remarks about other boys at home.

DD's best friend's mum also said something along those lines (play date rather than bday party) and I found it very refreshing and to the point. I was fully aware there was some girly drama going on so I wasn't surprised either and a few months later all of them are back to being friends again.

Going against the grain here, but I would definitely invite the boy.

Singling him out will likely cause retaliation and this boy will be nastier to your DS. It could also cause the other boys to turn against your DS.

If it were me then I would convince my son to invite him and reassure him that I will be keeping a very close watch at the party and any nastiness I will nip in the bud immediately.

Absolutely respect your sons wishes.
He has tolerated this for years which is so dreadful.
He has now found the strength to say No.
You need to back him completely.

I think it is absolutely dreadful that he has suffered for years.
I cannot imagine tolerating it with my children.

I would have been into the school wanting more done.
Belittling IS bullying.
You are very very passive.

Would you be happy to accept this treatment of yourself by another parent?

Wake up pls. The damage he is doing to your son is shocking.

He will absolutely judge your parenting.
Kids NEVER forget their bullys. NEVER.

I never ever understand how scared parents are on MN of standing up for their children.

Terrified themselves of doing the right thing and expecting their child to cope with daily bullying.

Then they wonder why they have huge issues of depression, anxiety and general mental health problems in their teens.

The damage is enormous and long lasting.

Stop putting another child ahead of your own.
Your son is a long-term victim of a bully.
The teacher has acknowledged it!
Unbelievable.

and you think a child should do this for a bully?

At 9 the boys should be capable of not talking about the party at school or around the other boy. If you are close to the other Mums perhaps you can ask them to tell their kids not to chat about the party in front of the other kids at school.