AIBU to exclude 1 child from friendship group from DS party??

I am a teacher and I can tell you, with a wealth of experience under my belt, if he was really being 'bullied' by this guy, he'd be way too afraid to not invite him. He doesn't like this child and I'm sure many in his class, not to mention his group, feel this way. He's using the party for a bit of revenge. It won't end well as unkind acts often don't.

I guarantee if push came to shove, he'd still want the party, especially if mum said she'd make sure said boy was kept in check.
I'm a teacher and a mother. I know how the social world of kids works more than most. I've seen parents make awful mistakes and the resultant consequences and I know excluding one child from a group from a party is never a good idea. It won't end well.

You exhibit spectacularly poor judgement for a purported teacher. For a start, the OP has specified that this child isn't, in her view, a bully, in that she thinks it's more a personality clash rather than a targeted campaign of abuse. Either way, it's irrelevant. The OP's child doesn't want him at his party, because experience has shown that he doesn't enjoy himself in this child's presence. He would rather not have a party at all than invite the other child. That's not 'revenge', it's a child with boundaries and being supported in maintaining them by his parent, as should be the case.

I am a teacher and I can tell you, with a wealth of experience under my belt, if he was really being 'bullied' by this guy, he'd be way too afraid to not invite him. He doesn't like this child and I'm sure many in his class, not to mention his group, feel this way. He's using the party for a bit of revenge. It won't end well as unkind acts often don't.

It's not for his mum to decide whether her DS's experiences at school constitute bullying or not. Also, bullies don't always just choose one victim; that's an oddly narrow definition of what bullying is: it's not like somebody assigns one bully to one victim and then they've completed the set. Are you a teacher, as it seems to be a real thing amongst schools to dismiss victimised children's (and their parents') concerns and claim that bullying simply doesn't exist at all?

Is the DS actually happy with socialising with the bully, or has he just fallen into it? Obviously at school, he has little choice but to be there with him; and children often end up steered into things by circumstance and/or by parents e.g. playdates with another child because their mums happen to be friends.

It sounds to me like he's a wise young lad and he is now saying enough is enough and that he isn't willing to meekly roll over and be mistreated this way any longer without a whimper. This is really commendable and a sign of his developing maturity, as well as his understanding of how his feelings matter and that he is just as important as anybody else.

Surely the boy’s Mum would be horrified to hear how her son is behaving and would understand your son’s reasons for not inviting him. What exactly can she say?

I cant find it now, but someone asked what happened in previous years. DS has always invited all of the boys to every party he has had, without question. Only this year has he said no.
I'd say out of the group, they're the most opposite. DS is the quietest and this other boy is the loudest which I think is why their relationship is probably worse out of all of them.
I'm going to take the majority of the advice and back my son. School are aware of how my son feels so it's being monitored that side, and I think I'll bite the bullet and reach out to his mum to explain the situation as I know they'll hear about it before long. She is lovely so I know she won't turn on me, she will likely be devastated though which does make me feel a bad on her.
She did say to me a while back her son doesn't seem to have a really close relationship with any of the boys (most of them will go for 1 on 1 play dates with each other but hers isnt ever asked). She wasnt asking for my opinion, more just getting off her chest that she's worried why he never gets asked. I wish I'd have said something then, but I didn't want to speak on behalf of the other parents as it doesn't feel fair.
But we're all of the same opinion that this boy generally is just not very nice sometimes.

Not for a bully. His mum has said it's not bullying. If it was, then her son wouldn't regularly socialise in this group. If her son is happy to meet up with this group often despite this child being there, then he mustn't be too scared of him. I'm getting the impression he finds him more of a nuisance and a pain in the ass.
Bullying is quite different. It's specific, unrelenting targeting of one person. Sounds like this kid is up to this stuff with everyone and son is generally willing to hang out with him because he's part of a group he likes.
I'd def bring him to the party. Son is walking into territory he doesn't understand. When the whole group gets invited to annoying kid's bday, son is going to be sad.

It is a black and white issue to me.

I wouldn't invite someone who belittles me or physically assaults me to a special occasion and it is the same for DC. Especially an ongoing issue and especially when he feels so strongly about it that he'd rather not have a birthday party at all than invite this child. They are also 9, not 2.

But then I also would've addressed it with his parents a long time ago so it wouldn't come as a surprise. I'd use this as a reason to speak with his parents.

Don't invite the boy to the party if your son really feels uncomfortable. Instead, arrange an outing 1-2 days before with DS and the boy, take them out for icecream, a movie or something and say it's an early bday celebration... in this way he was included for one event.

I cant find it now, but someone asked what happened in previous years. DS has always invited all of the boys to every party he has had, without question. Only this year has he said no.
I'd say out of the group, they're the most opposite. DS is the quietest and this other boy is the loudest which I think is why their relationship is probably worse out of all of them.
I'm going to take the majority of the advice and back my son. School are aware of how my son feels so it's being monitored that side, and I think I'll bite the bullet and reach out to his mum to explain the situation as I know they'll hear about it before long. She is lovely so I know she won't turn on me, she will likely be devastated though which does make me feel a bad on her.
She did say to me a while back her son doesn't seem to have a really close relationship with any of the boys (most of them will go for 1 on 1 play dates with each other but hers isnt ever asked). She wasnt asking for my opinion, more just getting off her chest that she's worried why he never gets asked. I wish I'd have said something then, but I didn't want to speak on behalf of the other parents as it doesn't feel fair.
But we're all of the same opinion that this boy generally is just not very nice sometimes.

and you think a child should do this for a bully?

As an adult in work would you invite everyone in the team to your party except one person because they were bullying you? No doubting Monday the news would get back to them and they’d then say you are the bully for leaving them out. I understand the principle behind leaving him out but I think we need to prepare kids for the real working world. This exact thing happened at my old job and sure enough the one who was the bully made a massive complaint to the managers to say she was being bullied and the party was her evidence, whereas people struggled to find evidence of her original bulling behaviour as it was their word against hers.

I think you should maybe get on top of the situation don’t doesn’t back fire. You need to have your so sons back if he says he’d rather no party than invite the boy. So you go ahead with the party without the boy but maybe drop the mum a text to let her know that your son thinks the friendship has moved on from past years and (lie) to say space is limited. Ask if she wants to arrange a park play or similar with the kids (not birthday related) if he feels sad or excluded to show it isn’t that. Maybe at the play you can observe and commentate the behaviour your son dislikes objectively and without emotions with her and offer to take your son home early if he wants so she can see the impact it’s having on

I don’t think based on what you’ve said you should just not invite him without reaching out to her. Her sons ‘clown’ act really might be masking insecurities too

I invited my boss to my wedding even though I hated her. It's called diplomacy and boxing clever. Children need to learn these skills early. He may not like this boy but he could be unleashing something far more unpleasant by excluding him from the group. Have a good chat with him about it all and try to help him see that leaving this boy out might not be the best idea in this situation.

Would you actually speak to a woman you are fond of like that? ‘Sorry’ in this situation isn’t really an apology - it’s a leveller, a diffuser. The boy’s mother isn’t an abuser, and her son isn’t either. He’s a child who hasn’t been very nice and needs to learn the consequences so stop overreacting.

I think you should maybe get on top of the situation don’t doesn’t back fire. You need to have your so sons back if he says he’d rather no party than invite the boy. So you go ahead with the party without the boy but maybe drop the mum a text to let her know that your son thinks the friendship has moved on from past years and (lie) to say space is limited. Ask if she wants to arrange a park play or similar with the kids (not birthday related) if he feels sad or excluded to show it isn’t that. Maybe at the play you can observe and commentate the behaviour your son dislikes objectively and without emotions with her and offer to take your son home early if he wants so she can see the impact it’s having on

I don’t think based on what you’ve said you should just not invite him without reaching out to her. Her sons ‘clown’ act really might be masking insecurities too

I think you should maybe get on top of the situation don’t doesn’t back fire. You need to have your so sons back if he says he’d rather no party than invite the boy. So you go ahead with the party without the boy but maybe drop the mum a text to let her know that your son thinks the friendship has moved on from past years and (lie) to say space is limited. Ask if she wants to arrange a park play or similar with the kids (not birthday related) if he feels sad or excluded to show it isn’t that. Maybe at the play you can observe and commentate the behaviour your son dislikes objectively and without emotions with her and offer to take your son home early if he wants so she can see the impact it’s having on

I don’t think based on what you’ve said you should just not invite him without reaching out to her. Her sons ‘clown’ act really might be masking insecurities too

It’s a very simple situation. The OP’s child’s fault doesn’t want to have a child he doesn’t like, and who is persistently unpleasant to him, at his party. It’s really not that complicated. If there’s fallout, the OP will handle it, but the important thing remains, which is that her child enjoys his own ninth birthday party without the inhibiting presence of someone who mistreats him.

As an adult in work would you invite everyone in the team to your party except one person because they were bullying you? No doubting Monday the news would get back to them and they’d then say you are the bully for leaving them out. I understand the principle behind leaving him out but I think we need to prepare kids for the real working world. This exact thing happened at my old job and sure enough the one who was the bully made a massive complaint to the managers to say she was being bullied and the party was her evidence, whereas people struggled to find evidence of her original bulling behaviour as it was their word against hers.