AIBU to exclude 1 child from friendship group from DS party??

Didn't vote as options are unclear. You are unreasonable not to take your son's side and to allow him to be bullied since reception. You would not be unreasonable to exclude the little shit from the party.

I hope they won't be at the same secondary school?

Why? I can’t imagine not doing this. They have a friendly relationship, the child has been previously always invited, and this woman has wondered why her son doesn’t get invited to play dates. It just feels like basic decency in terms of the adult relationship.

its your sons birthday would you rather spoil it for him rather than some nasty boy ? Ask yourself

“Timmy is not invited because we had family members to invite and numbers didn’t allow, also I’m not sure if you are aware but they have not been getting on for quite a while now and DS is quite upset at how Timmy had been treating him. Might be a good idea if you could get a clearer picture from the teacher as I don’t have eyes directly on the situation”

I would advocate for my son, not be accusatory and advise the parent to go to the teacher for more info not from you, second hand from a 9 year old. (Not saying you shouldn’t trust you son but it will go down a lot better if the behaviour is pointed out by an impartial professional who is actually seeing it happen)

good luck, these things are not nice but you are your sons protector, it is your job to make him feel safe and listened to and advocate for him. Moments like this are crossroads and very important. You always want him to know he can come to you, be vunerable and within reason you will be in his side. In 10 years you and this Mum will barely remember each other. Your child will remember his 9th party if you ignore him an he has a dreadful time because of the other kid

No brainer. Listen to your son. The risk is if you override him to appease these randoms he will always remember it. Your connection with this other family will fall away but your son will always remember how you prioritised his bully over him on his birthday.

Listen to your son.

Bullies don't stop being bullies because they're not invited to an event.
The bully's mum can be shocked (if she's completely unaware that her child is a bully -unlikely) at no invite and then explain to her child the potential reasons for why he's not invited.

OP, I’m glad to see that you’re backing your son on this. To my eternal shame I insisted that the childminders son should be invited to my son’s 10th birthday party. This boy bullied other children, tried to take over all the games, and was generally antisocial. He then insisted on sitting in the front of the car making my son get in the back. I still feel ashamed of myself for allowing this, and my son is now 32!

I was in a similar situation with DD, she wanted to leave one girl out for basically the same reason. I said okay, the mum text me asking why, I texted back why and she did kind of have a go, but I just muted it. You may well get a text (depending on the parent’s disposition) so just keep that in mind.

With my kids I kind of have a rule they can invite and not invite who they want, but if they’re leaving out one specific person there needs to be good reason. When the come in after school moaning “Jessica played with Lizzy at break today and not me! She can’t come to my party!” That’s not really a reason, but if it’s a case of a certain child being consistently mean to them then no they don’t have to invite them and I think that’s fair enough.

At that age I left the kids to name who they wanted.

Good luck with the mum! They can be so much worse than the kids so I wouldn't go there.

"Sounds more like a child struggling with something like ADHD than a bully."

FFS This exactly why op is having a dilemma- everything is excusable, ordinary people are made to feel awful because they want to protect their own kids; the worse a behaviour the more you should roll over- it's pathological (pretend) kindness
Op, I get why you're grappling with this but you need to listen to your gut and not invite this kid. He's a bully- it doesn't matter why.

She is lovely so I know she won't turn on me

Don't count on it. Be prepared for the possibility that she might. People tend to shoot the messenger, especially when it involves their children.

Absolutely what @herbalteabag said! You're being incredibly woosy (a people pleaser by any chance?!) - listen to your child, he knows his own mind and it's his birthday. Good on him 👍👍

Of course you must listen to your son. He has even said he would rather not have a party if this boy is invited. Even the teacher has confirmed that the other boy’s behaviour is unacceptable.
I wouldn’t bother giving the boy’s mother an explanation unless she asks for it. She already knows that her son isn’t being invited in play dates. Presumably his behaviour must also have been raised with her by the teacher.
The voting on this thread is a bit bonkers because although your title asks if you are being unreasonable the actual text of your post makes it sound as if you were determined to invite the little bully.

I had a very similar sitiuation. My son was adamant he wasn't inviting the boy we discussed consequences eg he would likely be left out when it was the other boys party and he was fine with that so didn't invite him. So neither was invited to each others party. The other boy seems to hav matured and they tolerate each other a bit more - my son actually invited him to his party this year and was invited to the boys party after. I would go with what your son wants

Given what you've written, I think you are being massively unreasonable to even consider inviting this child. Let your son know you have his back when people treat him badly.

I think people don’t know which vote means which thing! I was unsure.

I don’t think you should invite the child. I don’t know if that’s YABU or YANBU because the title says “AIBU not to invite him” , but your post suggests you want to invite him! So I haven’t voted!

I say don’t invite. I have a child of similar age and at this age parties are smaller plus I don’t think they talk about who is invited to each other - even after the event! It’s only parents if they even track these things. Just sent invites this week (as via what’s app all replied within 24hr) and I asked my 8 year old, has anyone said anything your party today? Nothing. They just crack on with life.

Not really sure what the voting represents as no questions. Maybe that why the results are scewed.
Either way no the bully shouldn’t be included if your son is against it.

Leave the boy out and if the parent asks why I would be honest with them. It is unfair to invite someone who treats your son so badly.

OP also says in the very next comment that her child is so scared to be laughed at by this child that he doesn't even put his hand up in class.

It sounds like bullying to me.

I think your son is old enough to know his own mind and you should respect his wishes. This child is being actively unkind to him. He’s been spoken to repeatedly and his behaviour is affecting your son’s ability to participate in class.

Your son has said that having this boy there will ruin his party. So obviously you don’t invite him. Your son should be able to have his friends there without a boy who makes him feel unsafe.

No excuse, if he’s in mainstream education he needs to learn consequences to certain behaviours same as anyone else. It’s not op’s kids responsibility to shoulder another kids ‘boisterous personality’ or their adhd

Or, it might end up doing good.

It might be that it's mostly the impact of parents keeping the friendship group together (with exactly the thinking that the OP presents in her op) and this may be the catalyst that changes the balance of power within the group.

Well he’s about to learn how he impacts on other kids thanks to your brave son. Put his feelings first and let him enjoy his party. Don’t fall into the trap of feeling sorry for a bully that ruin childhoods and sometimes entire lives.