I think my DD is wasting her life away and Ex is enabling it

I feel like I messed up by ever letting her live with her dad full time as he is clearly an incompetent parent.

He isn't an 'incompetent parent'. Your daughter's an adult who is enjoying herself and doing her own thing while she figures out what she wants to do. She's just lucky enough to have someone who can fund that for a bit. He sounds perfectly competent to me. You just sound annoyed because you're not in control of your adult daughter's life and she isn't following the path you deem to be suitable for her.

How is this any different from all the gap year kids her age who are backpacking around the world and getting drunk on a beach every night?

She's not studying - so what? It's not compulsory to go to university. Right now, she's got an amazing opportunity to play in a band and see if that takes her anywhere. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. If it doesn't, she'll find something else to do. Sometimes it's good to have time to see where life takes you and she's lucky enough to have been given that time.

There's a line in Francoise Sagan's 'Bonjour Tristesse' when the narrator says 'I realised I was more gifted for kissing a young man in the sunshine than for taking a degree'. That's the point your daughter's at. She won't be at that point forever and I would be delighted that she's got the chance to enjoy it while she can.

Not necessarily. If you see my reply above I do consider the possibility that the OP is responsibilty avoidant too. I think we don’t know enough about it all.

I think the first two PPs nailed it.

My DCs are young adults and I am also separated from their dad. DC2 is very immature for their age (due to neurodivergence) and still need a lot of parenting. It is very difficult to ‘parent’ adult DCs because they are allowed to ignore their mum and dad and it is even more challenging when there is another parent in the mix who refuses to communicate. DC2 recently had a very serious problem and their dad unwittingly did something to make the problem much worse - they were trying to help but didn’t understand how to help. I emailed my ex to explain but he just wrote back saying he didn’t understand. (Which interpreted as he didn’t want to understand because that would involve admitting he had let DC2 down). In the end, I managed to convince DC2 of the right course of action and the problem is now solved. But honestly, if was such a serious problem that I had several weeks of hardly sleeping due to the worry.

OP, I totally understand where you are coming from. It sounds like your DD has many positives, so let’s hope she sorts things out eventually. And remember she will have to drive things herself because she is an adult. I spent ages trying to sort out DC2’s problem and a very wise friend told me to get out of the driving seat - DC2 was choosing to follow exDP’s advice and it was on them if it led to disaster. Sometimes you just have to prepared to let your children learn the hard way if they won’t listen. Luckily, DC2 did eventually listen to me, though.

At 22 if my parents wanted to have any say or suggestions for my life I would of laughed in their face. Especially a. Parent who hasn't had much to do with me in my childhood.
Just back off, I'm pretty sure every single singer and musician had a parent who was worried they wernt going to make it, some do, some don't but she'll figure it out.

@BettyBoh ahh so you’re one of the “poor mum don’t be harsh!! She has reasons!!! It’s the dad’s fault!!”?

I’m not sure we should be so harsh on the OP. It’s not really clear what happened when the mum moved away, but the OP does recognise it was not a good decision. Maybe her daughter was showing signs of being difficult way back then and both parents are “responsibility -averse” in their own ways. The dad by being present but letting her do what she wants and funding it. The mum by not being present and avoiding emotional attachedments.

who knows? Imagine having two parents neither of whom felt they could be accountable when you needed them to be??

@BettyBoh You might consider TV screenwriting as a career - that is quite the scenario you've cooked up there

What values and priorities does he have?

@BettyBoh you are simply an inconvenience as you represent responsibility.
the op?! responsibilty?! Abandoning your 8
year old to meet her older brothers demands, having 2 new dc, and never seeing your daughter is responsible now?! 🤪

Jealousy?
Has it occurred to you that maybe OPs DS has values and priorities, which differ from all day drink-smoke-do nothing life?

Of course her life is a mess. Your ex was her main parent. He has taken every shortcut in the book for an easy life for him. That coupled with there being plenty of money to facilitate this means neither he nor your daughter had to make difficult choices. The effects of this are now very apparent but both ex and daughter will never admit it.
his short-term attitude gave him instant gratification. He had no consequences to deal with as he just let her do what she wanted. She has never had to deal with hard choices as she’s always had her own way and a source of income via her dad.
her character is formed. Nothing you can change. I don’t think she will grow up unless your husband does first and it’s a bit late for that. She is also more susceptible to addiction as she has absolutely no idea of consequences as she’s never had to face them. If life ever got tough she would look to addictions to make her feel better rather than face reality.
She’s entitled to the point that she thinks it’s her dads responsibility to make sure she has the basics in life. What are the plans for when the money runs out? A rich husband? You?
Her maturity levels look like they are set. If there’s any ADHD in the family then it’s likely she has severe executive functioning issues. That won’t change at the age of 22.

you are simply an inconvenience as you represent responsibility. Her lack of emotion and love towards you is also a common trait in entities people. You don’t serve her needs so she has no desire to see you. If she did she’d make an effort. Her dad has made a little narcissistic daughter that you’d struggle to undo at 22 years of age. Money being cut-off or a life event like unplanned pregnancy might shock her into starting a meaningful relationship with you but at the moment she has no need for one.

i presume your ex husband is just as disinterested in talking to you as your daughter is. He won’t want to face the consequences of his poor parenting and will want to try and justify it. (If he’s even aware of the influence he has had on creating someone so self-absorbed and lazy). He is dysfunctional and he has created an enmeshed dysfunctional little co-dependent relationship with this daughter. He won’t accept anyone trying to change that - it’s his safe place.

I failed out of Uni at 19 after a disastrous series of events. I ended up moving from my mum's to my dad's house. He supported me while I figured things out and a few years later I was back at University and now live a very unremarkable life in the suburbs as a mid-manager with a husband and 2 kids. There's no need to be super focussed at 19 - plenty of time and it sounds like she's having a fabulous time and her father isn't worried about her. He genuinely knows her best so I would really encourage you to back up and try to engage with her as an adult - you aren't in a position to parent her like you would have at 10/12/14 if you'd been around anyway.

Your daughter was 8 years old when her mum moved away with her older brother and went on to have two more kids. And you blame her lashing out as a teen on… her dad buying her MacBooks?

I am never normally harsh on here but as someone whose mum left when I was a teen this has really touched a nerve with me.

@OrdinarySloth even worse, she's only 19 and she dropped out of uni just a few months ago.

Writing her off as “failure to launch” at 22 is ridiculous. Plenty of people don’t go to uni straight from school and even fuck around a bit and turn out fine later.

And even if she doesn’t change, why is “failure to launch” an issue here? Usually it’s an issue because it’s impacting either the child or the parents negatively. The child is miserable with their circumstances, can’t afford to live nicely, lacks social skills and/or friends and activities. The parents can’t afford to support them financially without suffering themselves, or can afford it but doesn’t want to. Or the child has to stay in the family home causing issues for everyone.

None of that applies here. So why is it an issue that she’s “failed to launch”, when none of the people directly involved have an issue with it? It’s not even that she lacks ambition, as she has a band she wants to succeed with, it’s just not an ambition people on here approve of.

You actually sound jealous that she was given all these things. The other brutal truth is that if her father clearly has the means to support her, what's wrong with her spending a few years enjoying her youth or just working part time?

actually I think this is it, nothing from
op about missing her dd, sad she didn’t get to see her grow up… it’s all very childish “why did she get all that?!” Wonder if there was much household finance disparity and op is just jealous that she couldn’t provide all this so dd shouldn’t get if ds doesn’t?

This “failed to launch” phrase on here is very bizarre.

She did well enough at school to get into university. Presumably she will be able to get onto a course that’s better suited to her when the band doesn’t work out.

It’s not the end of the world.

⬆️ this.
Clearly the relationship is very fractured.

This is sad and I understand your concern but you cannot parent and discipline a now adult child whose upbringing you didn't influence.

My mother left me when I was 4 yrs old to marry someone else She had intermettent contact as a young child and tried to disctate my choices as an adult

I have not seen or spoken to her for over 20 years. You have no right to dictate her choices now. I made many mistakes as a young person but evrything turned out OK I'm now 70 but the trauma of being abandoned has never gone away

I was kind of looking at all this from her perspective as I read your op, and it did occur to me that you might look like the one who moved out with DS then got another family, while her dad stuck by her.

It is a little hard to tell what went on around the time of the family moving into two homes. Was it all about the school for DS and the marriage fell apart thereafter? Which she might blame you for. Or was the moving out part of the separation process anyway? I just feel a chunk of the narrative is missing there which might explain her feelings in being "ill" etc when you visit.

Ultimately op, parents make mistakes - even the ones who have more conventional stories. Children grow up and often rebel or waste time in early adulthood, even the ones who have more conventional stories. I think here the thing to be glad for is that she seems to have the support and love of your ex and you will just have to be ready to be there for her and see where she takes things from here.

ETA fwiw I don't actually think it is the fancy macbook or snowboarding holidays that have driven the problems here...

Ex bought DD the newest iPhone at 11, upgraded it often, she had a MacBook at 12, let her spend stupid amounts of money on clothes, took her to loads of gigs, took her on trips alone (snowboarding mostly as DS never enjoyed snow sports), paid for all her hobbies

This sounds like an amazing childhood that many neglected or abused kids can only dream of having. The key factor here is that he spent money on shared experiences so it wasn't just to buy himself free time. Going snowboarding and to concerts with your dad sounds fantastic. I would not be surprised if she loves music and created a band as a direct result of spending time with her father at gigs.

You actually sound jealous that she was given all these things. The other brutal truth is that if her father clearly has the means to support her, what's wrong with her spending a few years enjoying her youth or just working part time? A lot of people here seem to assume the girl is a "loser" but that sort of lifestyle sounds incredibly common amongst privileged kids. Spending their 20s doing something not very productive, living with friends, travelling etc. Most end up doing just fine. She will probably receive or inherit a property at some point anyway.

You can be driven even if you are not struggling. Creative people are usually not particularly driven by money, but by being able to do what they love. That's where the drive comes from.

Yes this. It's weird how people love to sneer about someone trying to make in music, art or fashion as "struggling" and not doing much with their life, when in reality they are actually have a great time. Yes, a lot of those kids are from wealthy families and have their parents funding their life. But they still have great memories and unique memories compared to someone forced to join the rat race straight out of uni. Since her father clearly has a lot of money, she will most likely meet and marry someone wealthy and settle down at some point. That's the life trajectory of many "spoilt" girls. They don't end up on the streets but they're good at finding men to take care of them.

You can be driven even if you are not struggling. Creative people are usually not particularly driven by money, but by being able to do what they love. That's where the drive comes from.

That's a massive generalisation. And a lot of artists would say the opposite - that it's the people with family money and connections who are more likely to make it big. Laura Marling, Sophie Ellis-Bextor, Chris Martin and Julian Casablancas (of the Strokes) seem to have done pretty well for themselves, despite their private education and privileged upbringing.

I would also do this. Get interested in what she’s interested. I’m also curious why you had to move house for your son to attend a secondary.