I think my DD is wasting her life away and Ex is enabling it

People running small businesses tend to have a goal making a decent living out of it. Most businesses fail anyway so wouldn't be encouraging any DC to set up a business until they've actually worked in an industry for a few years and have skills and industry knowledge. This band is not going to make any money. I know people who have a FT job and do band PT for fun. They don't expect to make a living out of it.

What "else" can she just "try"? She doesn't seem to have work ethic, any goal or any realms of improving herself. What skilled high paying jobs can she just get without working towards actually achieving something. When my DC was 19 they were reading economics at a top tier university.

Oh you’re right! She’s SO young. Just let her be! Of course her dad is subsidising rent - he’s not going to see a teenager out on the streets is he?

I have to say I’m delighted by the support for her on this thread. I have one child who is unlikely to be a top academic performer but is extremely creative and I imagine she will pursue a career in the arts. I shall make sure she has every support!

Not everything is about ticking the right boxes - uni, house etc.

Ha ha love this! I saw her live at uni, so maybe 2001ish. She had a beautiful clear, calming voice even in large live setting.

I have a friend who always loved music. She was privately educated and dropped out of a law degree to pursue music. I thought she’d mess around with it for a bit and then go back to law, as I didn’t think her voice was strong enough or her songs memorable enough to make it. Her name is Dido…

To add, I was vaguely friends with some guys at school who didn’t go to uni afterwards, and who spent a couple of years bumming around a crappy houseshare drinking, smoking weed and jamming on their various instruments.

They’re now a very famous band and are all multi millionaires.

she is in a band, who write their own music and do play some very small gigs but it’s not making money.

So she does have a job.

Plenty of people have small businesses that don't make money for a while. Would you class them as not working? She's trying something, maybe it'll work out, maybe it won't. If it doesn't, she can try something else.

She may not be doing what you'd want for her, but she certainly doesn't sound like she's wasting her life.

People are really missing that this young woman is 19, not 22, and that she only dropped out of uni a few months ago.

It makes a huge difference to how people are understanding the situation, because a 22 year old bumming around being unemployed for several years is very different to a 19 year old finding her feet for a few months. And she’s even doing something creative with the time and getting gigs!

If she were doing her smoking and drinking on a ski season or while backpacking around Thailand for a few months on a gap year I doubt anyone would say she was wasting her life. What’s wrong with spending a few months having fun when you’re that age?

She’ll probably look back fondly on her years trying to ‘make it’ as a musician when she is 43 and working a 9-5.

It’s tough at that age. DD is a bit older and still finding her way, although does work p:t. She’s chosen a hard career path, as in tough to get in to, but I try not to fund her as much as feasibly possible (she lives at home currently) because it’s too easy just to rely on bank of mum and dad.
Your DD’s story is different as her dad is the main parent and you haven’t got much of a leg to stand on with how she’s living currently. I’d just keep communicating with her and no demands. I don’t agree anyone should buy:fund a flat for a 22 year old though esp if they’re not working. I’d be happy to help DC buy though if they were in gainful employment.
You may have made the wrong decision in hindsight but all you can do now is rebuild the relationship.

What you can do at the moment is stay constant, offer a place of love and safety free of judgement

well that’s always a first for the op!

This is really bad advice. Smoking and drinking excessively are bad, she'll be damaging her lungs as well. A career in music won't be successful, she'll end won't make any money out of it and she'll be stuffed when the gravy train ends. She can't expect her dad to fund her forever, it'll stop one day.

There's a difference between having a hobby and doing music for fun and having absolute no goals and ambition to do anything whatsoever. My DC had a lot of fun at 19, but they were in education, had goals and were working towards something.

Happiness and vibes don't pay the bills.

What you can do at the moment is stay constant, offer a place of love and safety free of judgement. If you push back on her current lifestyle choices you will distance yourself further.

Honestly, it sounds like something from a film or a book, and although I totally understand why it's concerning to you, there's also a romance to her living this bohemian creative life as a young adult in France. Which is possibly how she sees it.

You can't force her to change, you can't force her to go back to Uni. Her Dad's the one who can make a difference if he's the one financially backing her at the moment.

An ex of mine commiserated with a chap he met at a party in the 90s about how hard it is to make a living out of music. The guy was very low key and said actually he found it was fine. Turned out he was in Massive Attack

It doesn't sound like her life is a mess at all. Sounds like shes having a great time. Shes 22, enjoying herself and trying to make it in the music business. All power to her. Not everyone wants a boring 9-5 job and she's only 22, she has plenty of time for a career change or further studies if she decides that's what she wants, especially with family money behind her. I wonder whether your DS is jealous of her.

I remember meeting a guy who loved music. Every moment he could, he would play guitar and write songs. I asked if he wanted to make that his career, and he sadly said no, his parents want him to use his brains and degree and go work in the defence industry. He was privately educated, and his parents had dictated his life direction. This gentle soul was going to follow their lead and go into work for an arms manufacturer, through contacts his dad had.

Support your DD. We all have different paths.

Nonsense. It’s not "telling tales" for OP's son to tell his mother what’s going on in the life of the sister he’s just visited. It’s completely natural, considering the son has a strong relationship with his mother but not (unsurprisingly, given their upbringing) with his sister.

But OP's daughter is an adult and there’s nothing OP can do at the moment.

She wasn’t absent. She just did not have resident custody which is the case for millions of divorced parents.

Can you only have a view on your child’s life if you lived with the full time?

The daughter may end up
regretting this time and wonder why nobody ever warned her about what she was doing.

I don't know how 2 grown adults could have decided that splitting siblings up at that young age was a good idea (I understand about the schools but still, very bad idea). They surely had enough to adjust to with their parents separation.

I think as others have already written, you can't do anything about this now. Just support her and have faith that she will find her way in life.

Out of interest what turned it round for you and motivated you to go to University again and eventually get a job?

Yeah, agree with this.

You didn't have much of a hand in raising her so can't complain now that she's grown into the adult you don't want her to be. And yes maybe you made the choices that you really felt were right at the time but hell would freeze over before I'd let one of my kids live with my ex. You haven't really been a 'mum' to her so she probably doesn't value your opinions and you need to stay out of it and let her make her own decisions now.

My son did similar, went to study in our home country and dropped out to pursue his music (plays several instruments and composes) but he did have to work to keep himself. He worked as a chef and in other hospitality jobs for several years but at the age of 28 grew up, studied for and passed an exam and is now in a very secure and well paid job earning far more than his siblings. Ironically his music has taken off as now he has enough spare time to devote to it.

As a parent It was hard to watch but sometimes you just have to let them get on with it and stand on the sidelines ready to step in if things go haywire.

@JHound and say what? “Your absent mother is now deciding to have an interest in your life as you’re having too much fun!”
she didn’t bother when you were a child but now you’re getting this, she just wants to stop it?

There seems to be a lot of blame on her dad for indulging her materially and no real responsibility for having ditched her when she was young. That’s why she was argumentative when she came to stay - she felt abandoned, excluded and struggled to find her place in a family of people she doesn’t know. That’s why she cold shoulders you now.

If you wanted to counterbalance your ex’s wealth you needed to be more present.

I don’t know why you think she owes you a relationship at this point.

I understand your frustration. Is there anyone else you can ask to speak her who you trust and who she respects?

I would say send her the link to the Ted talk “30s are not the new 20s” but she may react badly to that! Is it really impossible to broach the subject with your ex?

I think you have added a bit of non-existent content here. She isn't smoking and drinking all day, just more than her older brother is, and she is trying to pursue a career in music, that's not doing nothing. She has values (happiness, music, relationships) and she has priorities (happiness, music, relationships). She is only 19 years old, she doesn't need to take life so seriously just yet.

Just because she isn't following the footsteps of her brother doesn't mean she is doing life wrong or that her dad has raised her wrong. Allowing your children to be who they are without passing judgement is far better than trying to squeeze them into some mould that they don't want to be in.

You can't control what she does. She's an adult. You can't control what he facilities. All you can do is support her, if she allows you to, if it all goes tits up.