I think my DD is wasting her life away and Ex is enabling it

I love the way everyone is piling on the op
and no one is asking how often the dad saw his son!

Of course is bad but it's also part of being a teenager to do things that are bad for you. I certainly drank and smoked too much at that age. Now I'm mid-40s and I am perfectly normal with a salary, a house, kids etc.

Her career in music might be successful, or it might just be a lot of fun and she will look back at that time with a smile on her face when she's 50. I don't know why you claim she has absolutely no goals and ambition, she is working towards a music career hopefully. Honestly, I can't believe how narrow-minded some people on this thread are. There are different ways to live your life. If you want to be a successful chef you are not going to go to uni and study accounting, if you want to be a pro tennis player you are not going to to uni and study history, if you want to be a musician you are not going to go to uni and study law. At least not until you have given it your all to become what you want to.

I think everyone else is on a different thread or maybe even planet tbh!

Has no one really never heard before of the phenomenon of two people divorcing and moving in to different houses?

Yes the children usually stay together in one house - usually with their mother - and see the father eow.

In this instance the dd went to live with the father, because he lived nearby the school that suited her best.

And the ds went to live with his mother, who couldn’t afford to stay in South Ken because the French Lycee wasn’t a good match for him.

If you read the thread, the dd still visited her mum regularly, there was no question of abandonment,

But the way the ex parented her, without agreeing on boundaries and fair distribution of presents and tech by the sound of it, made parenting for op very difficult. As it always is with an ex who won’t parent responsibly and fairly.

Edited to say I am assuming this is the French Lycée at S Ken. I don’t know for sure!

So you were still in London, but only saw her every second weekend?

@Allbutterwaffle68 are you on the right thread? I can see how it was flattering to your ex to have an adoring dd by his side. Really despicable that he didn’t seem bothered by your son who he may be challenged by? Your ex has opted for the easy way out every time hasn’t he? And you are left to pick up the pieces.
the op is the one who fractured the family and abandoned her daughter because of what her son wanted. Were she and her dad meant to remain in London and not do what’s best for them? What pieces is she picking up? How has the ex taken the easy way out being what sounds like a good supportive dad to a teen?

You obviously know far more about op’s family situation than she does LuciferTheMorningStar!

Did you read the op properly? The parents were already split and divorced both living separately near the French school in an expensive area and op post-divorce could not afford to continue to live there.

So when her son decided he wanted to go to a “normal” school (btw if you know anything about the French education system it’s quite rigid and extremely rigorous if you go down the academic route and doesn’t suit every child) then op used that opportunity to move further away.

The dd stayed at the French school and with her dad because she was academically able and enjoyed it and her dad could afford to live nearby,

I don’t see anywhere that that equates to abandonment. Parents often make difficult decisions to ensure that their dc get the best education for them.

I believe the official response to this is:

If you'd described the younger me as "utterly failed to launch", I'd have had some serious problems with you. How nasty. I launched just fine, maybe better than most as I had the benefit of making career/study decisions as a more experienced adult.

Maybe I did describe you, and was wise enough not to do it to your face knowing that you lacked the maturity and insight to take it on board.

Also, you having “some serious problems” with me would have absolutely no influence on me, other than perhaps cementing a view that you were a rather self centered yet brittle young woman, who reacted defensively and angrily when someone had an opinion you didn’t like.

It is one thing to take one’s time in choosing a life path, it is really quite another to do it whilst having one’s hand in Daddy’s pocket. This thread isn’t actually about you and your Band Years, so there is no need to let us know who paid for it in your specific case, no one actually cares.

Oh noooo, her father bought her things, they went to a lot of gigs together, traveled together, and he paid for her hobbies, what an absolute bastard he was! Not like the Saint Mummy, who dumped her at 8 for another child's secondary school (the stupidest excuse I've ever heard) and went on to have two more with another man.

And a 22-year-old gigging, clubbing, smoking, partying. Well, I never. Who does that? That's so unheard of!

Leave her alone and stop preaching, if you want to see her again. You have no right. I'd cut you off altogether if I were her. You're hardly a mother of the century anyway, dumping your kid, begrudging her things and traveling.

Just as a counter point.

It was her ex who moved op’s dd out of the country, something the op did not want.

Are you saying that no one is allowed to re-marry and have dc and move on with their life having been divorced from an arsehole who won’t communicate properly over the care of his dc and favours one child over another?

Also, it’s very strange how you and other pps equate being spoiled and over-indulged financially and alienated from your other parent as “a good childhood”! I would hate to see what a bad childhood looks like in that case!

———————————————————-

Op, ignore the nasty assumptions on here.
I totally understand why you feel so upset and the gamut of emotions that you must have felt while visiting your YA dd in France. Try not to beat yourself up too much. You made what you thought were the best decisions in a difficult situation at the time. And your ex does not sound reasonable or cooperative.

I think you sound like a good mother who did what she thought was best for her dc at the time. You wouldn’t be posting on here if you weren’t genuinely caring 💐💐💐

The point is, you went to France , you tried, and that’s all you can do. Don’t stop going there and showing up and having chats, however brief. Keep showing up. It’s good your dd is in a band. It’s perfectly normal for her to be rather selfishly focused on her own life right now. As others have pointed out, many youngsters are rebelling a bit at this age whether they have family difficulties or not.

Now is not the time to give her advice. She is is intelligent and hopefully she will work it out. Keep the lines of communication clear. Visit and keep sending cards and letters. It’s a good sign that she is sending you messages.

Parenthood is a long marathon op! You need to play the long game. There will be a times in the future when your dd will need her mum.

I know you are desperately worried about your dd but let her have this time to decompress. Life is very changeable at that age. She may go back to uni or return to uk to do so. Just let her know that you are there for her whatever she decides, and that you love her and you think she is an intelligent person and you trust that she will make sensible decisions about her own life (even if you don’t think that right at this moment). You might slip in the very occasional comment about how you have found it useful to be financially independent. But generally keep away from criticising. Just encourage and remind her that the world is her oyster.

Some people have no idea what force and negative influence an irresponsible ex can wield over an adolescent girl desperate for their love and attention.

Your dd will grow up and may have one or two difficult relationships herself. She will come to understand that it wasn’t right how her father ignored his brother. And how he could be difficult. And how he conducted his relationship with you regarding the dc. She may still be taking his money, but trust me, I bet she is already starting to realise.

I can see how it was flattering to your ex to have an adoring dd by his side. Really despicable that he didn’t seem bothered by your son who he may be challenged by? Your ex has opted for the easy way out every time hasn’t he? And you are left to pick up the pieces.

Try not to worry op, give it time, things will come right, she’s not necessarily wasting her life, she is exploring it, or taking a pause from it, be patient 💐

@Jendsn When my DC was 19 they were reading economics at a top tier university.
oh well Jen.. you can still be proud, sounds like they tried their best…

19 year old, not 22.

@Bigorangeballoons , you sound hateful about your own daughter. Look to how your own choices contributed to your feelings about her. You resent her because you failed her as a parent.

I bet she'll be as fine as she can be. Her dad sounds good and involved, unlike you. You're a day late and a dollar short.

My point was that you can’t declare the daughter will be on a low salary in her 40s based on her having taken a few months out aged 19. Plenty of people who didn’t go to uni earn more than I do with my PhD.

What you’re calling ‘wishy washy drinking and smoking all day’ might be the beginnings of a lucrative career as a musician or songwriter. Or she might go to law school in a few years and become a high earning lawyer. Or she might crash out entirely and live on the dole for the rest of her life. None of us can say based on a tiny snapshot of a few months.

It also sounds like OP’s DD did well academically at school and pursued various hobbies including sport and, I’d guess, music of some sort. I don’t know how old your kids are but if they aren’t even uni aged yet then I don’t know how you can so confidently predict what they will or won’t choose to do at 19.

I can’t imagine leaving one child behind, and then going on to have two more! Sadly you did leave her and have no significant role or say in her life.

Lol

I think “work comes first” is a bit of a simplistic attitude for most people.

I’m in a sector where I could earn at least treble with a different employer, but that would come with very high stress, no work-life balance and no time to do things I enjoy.

There is a happy medium, which is what I am happy with.

Life would be very dull indeed if we all followed the same path, knuckled down to achieve stem degrees, grade 8 exams and buying things. I know who I would rather hang out with! The Dd!

Firstly, as she is only 19, she has plenty of time to go back to university and get a degree if she wants to, and there is no reason why taking time out to have fun at 19 prevents you from earning a decent salary later in life.

Secondly, a high salary isn’t everyone’s goal in life. Maybe that’s what makes you and your family tick, if you like money and property and buying things. But not everyone feels that way, and that’s fine. Not everyone sees the world through your eyes.

I have a first class degree from an excellent university. I don’t earn a high salary because I haven’t chosen to take that kind of path. I could have applied for numerous promotions over the years or chosen a more lucrative field in which to specialise, but I didn’t because the thought of having to live my life in that kind of career frankly makes me want to die inside. My ambitions in are entirely different and don’t have anything to do with work.

If you really can’t see that not everyone wants to be like you or your children, you must be seriously lacking in imagination.

That's the choice you made. We as a family both went to uni, have stem master's and are now an additional rate tax paying household. I have musical DC and one studying for her grade 8.

All my DC have and have had active social lifes. But they know that work comes first and to play hard you gotta work hard to achieve things. They've all had goals in life and set out to achieve things. Not been wishy washy let's just drink and smoke everyday.

Her dad wasn't and isn't an incompetent parent. She's exploring young adulthood and yes, that can involve a time away from university and trying to live her dream. He's supporting her financially so she's got a roof over her head and food to eat through this time. She's doing something creative and frankly, being in a band is also hard work.

You chose to let her go. You facilitated the wants of your 11 year old son and dumped your 8 year old daughter on your then husband who raised her as a single parent while you went on to have a second family and she's left out of that through your choices. It sounds like you want to see her as a failure at 22 so you can tell your ex he's a bad parent. That's pretty nasty but you're coming off Judgey bitch here when your own choices are so problematic.

I think she is 19 ? Her brother and boyfriend both 22 ?
OP she is really young and eventually either the band will be a success or she will get bored, split up with her boyfriend, decide to go back to university or training. 19 is tricky, legally an adult but very few 19 year olds are adults in terms of behaviour and judgement.
You made a decision that seemed the best one at the time, as we all do, and although with hindsight you feel it was a mistake, you can only live in the now and try and form a good adult bond with your daughter. Have you talked to her about your regrets ? I think both your children probably feel the favourite of one parent and rejected by the other, so doing all you can now to address this imbalance might be the way forward. It’s not good for children to be a favourite, it’s damaging to relationships, and it does sound as though your ex favours his daughter over his son and has acted as though he is the parent of an only child.
I would ride out what you feel are bad choices of hers by being as supportive and enthusiastic as you can (even if you are tearing your hair out in private) and keeping up with communication.

I studied hard, went to uni without a gap year and have a masters and a PhD and I’m still on a low salary because I am doing my dream job. Zero regrets here.

She'll probably regret the low salary she'll be on