I think my DD is wasting her life away and Ex is enabling it

She could have made the effort to visit her DD, take her to events, take her on holiday etc. she didn’t do any of that, just went on to make a shiny new family.

And you know this how?

To me it sounds like the ex was on a significantly higher wage and could afford to take his dd on ski trips and buy her the latest tech. Note that he didn’t bother to make the same effort with his son.

The op was on a significantly smaller wage and had two other dc to support.

It sounds like op tried her best but when compared with her dad’s indulgent parenting, it was always going to be an unfair competition. Of course the dd is going to prefer being spoiled by her dad until she gets older and realises what real love is.

From 16 onwards, sure. But from 8yo? When she lived an hour away? Not so much.

The moving out of south Ken, the switching to a state school, the splitting up of the siblings are all kinda understandable given the circumstances.

what is awful is the lack of effort from that point on of the mum, the op, to form a relationship with her dd. (And yes, I’ll add the utterly pointless caveat that seems to be required of maybe the dad to his son too). She could have made the effort to visit her DD, take her to events, take her on holiday etc. she didn’t do any of that, just went on to make a shiny new family.

yes - That is ‘having a go’ at the op, but it’s also completely blooming relevant if the op wants a chance to have any kind of relationship with her DD going forward.

many children would go no contact with their mother at this point.

if the op wants any chance at all to form a relationship with her dd, she needs to first acknowledge and apologise for her fairly shoddy parenting.

Not true. Posters are criticising op for “abandoning” her dd when she did no such thing and it was the ex who decided to move countries away from his son.

You can’t just conveniently separate off the op’s decisions from what her ex was doing because his actions, have impacted adversely on her.

I think it's fine. Dad's raised his daughter, she's wanted for nothing, and if he's willing to fund her creative career let them have at it 🤷‍♀️ what is the problem? She'll get an office job if its that or starve no doubt. Its her life, she's an adult.

It was the father’s choice to move countries remember, away from his son.

When she was 16, my ex told me he was moving back to France and wanted to take DD with him. I didn’t want this to happen but eventually I gave in …

So not entirely op’s choice!

Eh?!? This whole slight tangent is super weird.
its because it’s the mum posting to talk about her daughter!!!
the dad and his son have literally zero relevance to this thread!

But “the way things worked out” was her choice so she needs to take responsibility for it rather than blaming her ex and DD.

Unhappy divorces are two a penny they don’t usually result in splitting the children up.

is your only thought there that she could come to yours?! Why couldnt you have met her from school?!? You could have taken her to a park, out for dinner, whatever, then dropped her home! Did that not occur to you? Sorry but I cannot imagine a life where I saw my ten year old once every two weeks only. Yes, I know loads of dads do this, I have zero respect for that too. In fact, my own ex only sees his children twice per week. One of my daughters says she doesn’t see him as a parent, she likes him well enough, but doesn’t feel like he’s contributed to her upbringing.

Christ if you can’t start a band at 19 and do a bit of drinking when bloody can you?

not everyone wants to work in 9-5 jobs all
their bloody life and if you can’t spend a bit of time exploring options when you are 19 when are you supposed to do it?

i retired recently and music enriches my life. I sing in two choirs, I play in a brass band and I also now am exploring early music instruments. What is with this hatred of music and the arts?

She literally calls referred to him as her “ex”. They were already divorced when she moved to another neighbourhood.

Yes - all of that is what I said. Click on all of OP’s posts.

Here is what she said:

I’ll clarify why I moved when DS wanted to move schools. Anyone familiar with London will know the French school is in a very very expensive area, post divorce I couldn’t keep living there permanently regardless of DS or DD, their father could as he was a significantly higher earner.
When DS wanted to move schools the main driving force was he wanted more opportunities for sport, not many central London schools have good sports facilities. I didn’t move to the back arse of no where, I moved to just north of London where DS could go to a school with good sports facilities and I could afford to live. DD did not want to move, strangely from fairly young even in a french school, DS used English as his main language, DD used French, so there was also consideration to having both children educated in their dominant language.

You have not answered what OP should have done?

Refused to allow the son to change school? Insisted the daughter leave school too? Which is your preferred option? And how does the now divorced OP continue to afford the expensive area she lived in when married?

They are exes. Exes generally live separately and given her son wanted to do sports and central London schools don’t have the facilities he would want, what is your suggestion?

Not according to op. DS decided at 11 he wanted to go to a “normal school”. Stupidly my ex and I agreed DD would live with him as the primary parent and I would move further out for DS to go to secondary school. I then had 2 more children. DD continued living with her dad and going to French school.
no separation of relationship at this point, op moved out with ds because he wanted to change school not because the relationship was over.

OFGS! She’s 22! Let her live life a little and learn a few life lessons herself. When Jarvis Cocker was 25 he was living in a squat on benefits and he didn’t too badly in the end?!

It’s even weirder here as people are lauding the dad yet criticising the mom for both doing the same thing!

Yes there’s a massive double standard at work. A man is automatically a hero if a child lives with him after a divorce and the women is automatically a pariah. Ridiculous! Especially in this situation where they each took on one child.

The op has been honest and laid out what happened and how she wasn’t happy about the way things worked out and is feeling worried about her dd because she cares about her and is worried that her DD’s early childhood experiences, and her decisions, are impacting on her now.

And many pps have seen fit to kick her when she is down and make her feel even worse.

An unhappy divorce where one of the parties does not behave fairly and cooperate well can be hellish to negotiate. But no one is criticising the dad, just praising him for spoiling the dd with presents!

Anyway, however we view this situation, we are all giving the op more or less the same advice so I don’t suppose it matters, but it’s a shame women are so willing to pile on other women when they post on here for advice.

She did not “leave” the parents separated. So they live separately.

That’s normal for divorced parents.

Each child wanted separate things from schooling (son wanted sports, daughter wanted to continue a French language education.) And given OP could not afford to remain in that neighbourhood what would you suggest?

Pull the daughter out of school to with her mom?

Refuse to allow her son to change school with more sports on offer?

People are so much weirder about mothers who are not the primary carer. My friend is separated from her first partner and the dad had custody of the son with my friend having visitation (mutually agreed).

The level of vitriol my friend faces when people hear that is wild!

You opted out for years and now you're pissed off at the consequences of that.

Them's the breaks, unfortunately.

Why the OP and her ex did what they did and whether it was the best decision is neither here nor there. It happened, it can't be changed and its the consequences for the present day and how OP can improve on the current situation that's the important thing.
My advice is to work on building the relationship with DD from where you are now. You can't expect to go in and change how she is parented, that horse has bolted. You need to approach this as an interested, loving adult to adult. Easy on the advice and judgement, heavy on the positivity and support. When you've established yourself then it may be appropriate to offer some guidance and influence. But ultimately she is a grown woman who will do as she pleases, so you might do better to think in terms of acceptance rather than change.

Finally some common sense! It sounds like OP is just pissed he was a better parent than her

OP is hoping she'll get sympathy because she's a woman she's the dropkick parent here that left if she was a father that left he'd get the same comments so why does she get a free pass at being a crappy mum?

So when she was younger you didn't give a toss about her only her brother? And now you think you can tell her what do as a adult? 😂😂😂 Stay out of it you made your choice when you pissed off and made a new family without her

well probably because the mother is complaining about the daughter, and how she was brought up.
If the father came on here complaining how his son had been brought up, then Im sure that question would be asked