I think my DD is wasting her life away and Ex is enabling it

I think it’s a bit unfair to characterise op’s relationship with her dd as favouring the brother. The op did what she could to facilitate both of her dc’s educational needs.

(Wierd how men who abandon all of their children don’t receive nearly as much flak on Mumsnet as op has.)

I doubt Op would have bothered to post here if she didn’t care about her relationship with her DD.

Her dd may well feel hurt and disappointed in her mother now, and she may have some justification, but when we are young, we can’t always understand the wider picture and reality of logistics, money, divorce, and relationships with uncooperative exes.

That’s why it is important that op continues to be try to be there for her dd. Not demanding anything, just being supportive. And given time, I hope they can discuss openly the decisions made and they can repair their relationship.

Oh come on, if you didn't have two younger children to care for, you'd have had your evenings to spend time with DD even if it was just picking her up from her hobbies or something.

And whose choice was that? 🙄

Why am I imagining op as moira rose the older son as David and the partying 19 year Dd as Alexis?! Similar relationship vibes.

What was wrong with op’s response? She’s telling it how it was.

The op has been honest and is getting unfairly judged on here.

Anyway op is perfectly able to defend herself but all I will say is that multi-lingual, multi-country, multi-curricula families and households are complex! Especially when the main relationship ends in divorce.

The educational decisions you have to make are far from easy. A lot depends on an individual child’s facility for languages. You have to make the decisions you feel are best for each individual child at the time. And they are not always easy or straightforward.

but that was YOUR choice!!

this thread is mad!

you chose to have 4 children, and then as a result of that, only saw your eldest dd twice a month.

OP hasn't said anything about what the dad did with his son but considering the son goes and sees his dad in France it does sound like they have a fine relationship, especially if you compare to OP and her DD since the DD actively avoids her mum.

What is ridiculous amounts of money on clothes? If you have a lot of money, what you spend on anything would seem ridiculous to those without money. The dad is richer than OP, he only had one child living with him compared to OPs 3 children, of course he is going to be able to spend more. It's all relative. OP begrudges her DD getting a laptop, a phone and all kinds of things most teens get from their parents.

Lstly, you don't think OPs DD has suffered disappointment? Her own mother chose her brother over her, then chose a new man and half-siblings over her. That is the crux of it from the DDs point of view and that is probably why the dad has felt a need to overcompensate a bit, if he has.

If she couldn’t afford to live in S Ken post-divorce of course she had to move away. Not many people can afford to live there!

What people are not taking on board is the linguistic divide in this family.

One child wanted to continue to be educated in French, within the French national curriculum.

And one child wanted to move to the English-speaking system.

The two systems are not compatible. If the dd wanted to go to uni in France, she had to stick within the French system. You can’t switch about.

What was the op supposed to do? Deny her dd her chosen educational preferences?

That’s a very honest response re hols @Bigorangeballoons and one most wouldn’t choose to share! :)

This sounds like an amazing childhood that many neglected or abused kids can only dream of having. The key factor here is that he spent money on shared experiences so it wasn't just to buy himself free time. Going snowboarding and to concerts with your dad sounds fantastic. I would not be surprised if she loves music and created a band as a direct result of spending time with her father at gigs.

Yes it sounds great doesn’t it.

It depends.

If the dad is doing what he enjoys anyway and is bringing the dd along for the ride then it’s pleasant but it’s not exactly stellar parenting.

These were solo trips with his daughter remember because the son didn’t enjoy winter sports.

What loving parent repeatedly takes one child away on holiday and not the other?

Most parents would try and make the effort to find out what their other child loved and take them away to do that.

Op also said her ex allowed her dd to spend ridiculous amounts of money on clothes.

Is that really loving parenting? indulging your child’s every wish and not teaching them to value money and stick to a budget, to set boundaries, and to allow them to suffer disappointment occasionally?

It can be interpreted as loving from the outside. But look in more detail and it’s not that great.

Of course! Move over dd!

And that’s fine but they came the price of a relationship with DD.

@Allbutterwaffle68 It sounds like op tried her best but when compared with her dad’s indulgent parenting, it was always going to be an unfair competition. Of course the dd is going to prefer being spoiled by her dad until she gets older and realises what real love is.
it sounds like typical Kensington parenting?
how awful of you to insinuate her dad doesn’t love her!

Shared custody of both kids - ie both kids in the same house together.

What OP actually says is that she moved because the area was expensive DS wanted to go to a ‘normal’ school.

OP chose to have more children to support! These are not things that passively happened to OP these are active choices that she made. With consequences. She didn’t have to take DD skiing camping in Wales would do.

And now she has a poor relationship she’s playing the victim and blaming ex for giving DD too much money when really she didn’t give DD enough time and attention.

Omg. She did share custody.

She agreed to her dd living with her ex for educational reasons because she thought that would be the best thing for her dd.

She put her DD’s wants ahead of her own.

That wasn’t until 16 when she’d lived with him for 7 years already. The reason OP let her go was because she already had such a bad relationship with DD that she felt she would get blamed if she didn’t say yes.

If they’d had shared custody of both kids from the start he wouldn’t have been able to take one of them away.

I just don’t understand this at all.

I can understand because my children have attended French secondary school and you are totally locked in to it. They work them very hard during term time. There is very little time for anything else. Continuous testing. And I also understand how long it can take to travel between North London and South Ken on a weekday evening at rush hour.

And what was op supposed to do if her say fifteen year old dd said “I’ve got too much homework to come over this evening mum and my dad is taking me phone shopping on Saturday morning”

Hide behind a lamppost and rugby tackle her adolescent dd in to her car?

Common sense dictates that most teens want to stick with the resident parent more once school study gets more demanding and their friendships get more intense. That’s completely normal. You see it written about on here all the time. The mother should not be blamed for it.

I know this because the op said it.
in about her 3rd post if memory serves. ‘I couldn’t see her more than 2x a month because it would take her too long to get to our house.’
absolutely no thought of herself doing the travelling! So she didn’t make the effort.
children number 3 & 4 were detailed in the op and were (presumably/hopefully) her own choice to have.
She chose having more children, and leaving the parenting of her dd to her father. That was her choice.
so, now, no, she doesn’t get a say.
she has a chance of a future, but only if she takes accountability.