I think my DD is wasting her life away and Ex is enabling it

Jesus
Harsh!

Just to add

The OP has said that the holidays that her DD had were offfered to the DS as well.

The OP has said very little about the relationship between the DS and his father.
So we know very little about how he was involved and if the trips were offered to the DS.

I have no issues with th eOP moving on but this thread is about her relationship with her DD, one is which the DD said that the step father "was not her dad".
So I would what was going on during the weekends that the OP had her.

And at 16 the DD would have had a say in whether she wanted to go to France with her dan and presumibly has other family there.

Hi OP

Only your DD can tell you if you’ve failed her. You clearly did what you thought was best for both your kids at the time and given the constraints. And you still have plenty of time to be there for your DD 🙂

But it does sound like she had a pretty traumatic childhood if she was separated from you and her brother (other than at weekends) at 9. Then, had to fit in part-time with your new family, which her brother was fully part of. Being spoilt by her dad won’t have compensated. Lots of privileged people have childhood trauma. Because money and treats can’t compensate for a close family.

That’s why the ideal when parents separate is they prioritise living as close together as possible, so kids can easily come and go and see both parents as they please, as that’s more important for kids than schooling. I know you say your DD chose to stay with her dad and at her school. But at 9, she was really too young to choose (as reflected by family courts), as she’d be unable to comprehend what that’d mean for her family life.

If she’s really ‘a mess’ could it be because she’s coming to terms with the trauma as an adult and needing to work out her relationship with you and her siblings? It sounds like she doesn’t feel very close to you if she’s not keen to spend much time with you, even when you visit. I went through this with my father. It was really tough.

As PP’s have said, perhaps you need to first (re)build your (now adult) relationship. Could you go on regular short trips away with her, just the two of you, where you do things together as mother and daughter. So she has your full attention and (because you’re staying together) she can’t cancel on you? No ‘deep chats’ about her life, past or present. Just having fun and hanging out together.

However, what she’s up to doesn’t sound ‘a mess’ or ‘wasting her life away’ to me. She’s living her life, isn’t she? Just not in the way you’d expect or prefer. It’s typical of lots of people in their early 20s, past and present. Most of my mates left school at 16 (in the 80s) with no qualifications and were in bands in their early 20s. They’ve all done OK (PhDs, professional careers). Brian Eno (in a lecture 10 years ago) said unemployment benefit in the past helped so many creative people to succeed.

IMHO what you must never do as a parent of adult kids is judge their life or choices. Or continue to treat them like children. Your role is to support them in whatever they choose to do and only offer advice when asked. My DS dropped out of a top uni at a similar age a few years ago. He preferred to work. It’s up to him. As long as he’s happy, so am I. At a similar age, I’d have found it horrifically overbearing if my mum had told me what I should be doing. And her judgment and blame throughout my life has created distance between us.

Is your DS (being into sport), more clean living and that’s why he views your DD’s lifestyle as being ‘a mess’?

You can't do anything to change her. You have to accept her as she is.

Is this not kind of the story for many in the creative industries?

So we have a difference of opinion. 'm good with that.
Could you point out where I have been angry?

It seems to me that I am not the one projecting, maybe you should reflect on what you have written.

Sorry you are so worried OP, but I don’t think you can do anything about what she is doing. Just try to maintain some sort of relationship with her. She is young, she’s not hiding away and depressed, she is living her best life in Paris. She’ll grow up in time, give her till 28 until you start to worry. (I have adult kids by the way and some take longer than others).

this. a couple of years gap and gigging is hardly the end of the world.

She’s having a few years living a bohemian lifestyle in Paris, with the added safety net of a wealthy parent - sounds wonderful!

I can’t help feeling if this situation had been posed by a mother on a council estate the replies would be way harsher. There’s plenty of absent fathers on MN posts that quite rightly get a lot of stick for thinking a couple of weekends a month is parenting.

Your affluent lifestyle doesn’t excuse the fact that you have allowed your relationship with your DD to wither. Because of that, it’s hard for you to interfere at this stage of her life.
As others have said, if you acknowledge this and stop deflecting, you’ve a chance to build a better relationship with your DD.

Why are people comparing siblings? They are two different people who here likes being compared to their sibling. I think that's where all the issues began, was it a case of divide and conquer op

@Bigorangeballoons you initial error in judgment was to split the siblings at that young age. Sibling separation has a deeply negative impact on children.

Depends if it's from Loughborough. Good for sports careers

Quite honestly I don’t see a 22 year old with a BSc in Sports Science and now doing a masters in “sports medicine” in the rather easy UK He system as any further developed or launched than a 19 year old who’s dropped out of her first year of the rather more challenging French HE system. BOth have a long way to go and neither scenario is cause for anything other than loving support.

All the language, sports, travel, logistics etc are irrelevant. You're talking about two children whose parents split up, who were split up from each other, who acquired at least two half-siblings, one who then moved to a different country from her mother and brother....and you expect her NOT to be fucked up? How does that expectation come about, when she had such a fucked up upbringing? The priority was stability and a loving home, not French school and drum lessons or iphones and macbooks. What were you both thinking?

I mean, yeah, she's dropped out and she's smoking a lot of pot and generally being a creative French young adult who's been let down by her parents. There will be plenty of kindred spirits around her, and she's far from the first or last to go down that path. Seems a bit late now to be crying over her future. You set her down the path with the choices you made for her. I don't know what you can do about it now other than beg forgiveness, forge a stronger relationship and encourage her to be good to herself.

The daughters hardly main lining crack and mugging people. She’s only 19 and could essentially be taking a year out to concentrate on her music. Just because she’s not doing stem at Oxbridge doesn’t mean she’s a lost cause

No - OP just moved to the other side of London with her DS, had more children and basically didn't bother with her daughter. Hardly parent of the year

I've had time to think. A few years having a side quest doing a band will be fun. Yes the dad is funding her and spoiling her, but what person wouldn't just mess about and just have fun and do what they want if they are being funded by their parents. Who knows what her future holds?

You're not a bad parent. Kids need guidelines and your ex was too weak to give them, which is why she is as she is today
And an absent mother had no impact whatsoever....

She's only 19. It's the son that is 22.

You're not a bad parent. Kids need guidelines and your ex was too weak to give them, which is why she is as she is today. Unfortunately, you have to let her get in with her life. As others have said. She needs to grow up and only she can do that. I do empathise. Being a mum is a tough call x

also with her having decent music skills she will be fine for work/tutoring. nothing wrong with being in a band and making a go of it at 22. thats the whole point of being 22.

she's 22 she will figure it out or she won't.

either way she has had s decent education even without uni. her dad will eventually get tired of keeping her and she will have to step up or she won't and will be able to afford not to work.

its not what you wanted for her but she is her own person.

Look OP getting it in the neck. I’ve no doubt you care about your DD but if you want to rebuild your relationship with her you need to start being more honest with yourself and take responsibility for your choices. Stop blaming your ex and criticising her choices.

I would start with an apology and ask if there’s anything she wants to say to you about how family life was for her. Ask where she is in her life and what she’s doing and ask if she’s interested in building a relationship with you going forward. And then just leave the ball in her court.