I think my DD is wasting her life away and Ex is enabling it

Absolutely this. She was only 8 years old when her mum moved away from her so that she could prioritise her brother and potentially her new boyfriend. I can't imagine doing that to any of children. By doing that she also fractured the relationship between the siblings of course.

There's nothing you can do. You divided your parenting in two rather than doing all of it between you, and each of you has raised the DC you were responsible for as you saw fit.
Your DD is young and is fortunate enough to be supported to do what a great many young people would love to do. In time it's highly possible if they get nowhere the band will break up and they will find other things to do with their lives. Meanwhile, she is safe, housed and presumably happy.
I think you need to be careful not to see your DD as a product of your exes work. Because you disapprove of his parenting, it's easy to fall into the trap of affirmation bias and over see the negatives about DD. Your DS seems to be colluding in this. You've decided as a household dad is incompetent, so he may be keen to report back the evidence that affirms this.
I think if you want an ongoing and better relationship with your DD you need to shelve your judgement of her lifestyle and meet her where she is. That's your best bet of being able to have any influence over her. Because you don't have that by default, so need to earn it.

It’s difficult to tell from your op, as I think you’ve glossed quickly over bits you don’t want to dwell on. But what would she say about her childhood in front of a counsellor? Do you owe her a huge apology as a start of mending the bridge?

the things that didn’t stand up for me are the - we moved - from London - to get to a secondary school. That’s unlikely to be true. And then there was the arguments with the your new husband. Just musing and it might not be true but - did you meet a boyfriend she hated and that was why you moved? Did you prioritise him over her?

huge projection so dismiss if it’s invalid, as my point is that to start making amends you first need to own your part in the sequence of events that has led her to now be dossing about.

Why’s it “sticking the boot in” to state facts? Ops son wanted a particular school so rather than he go and board… or say no.. op split the family.
you can’t say “ds wants this lifestyle so everything is getting up ended for him..” and then say “how awful it it you are also choosing the lifestyle you want! Poor me!!”

To her it will seem you preferred your DS as you moved for him to go to school (why was that even necessary in London?). You can't rock up now all these years later and expect to have a say and have her time. You showed through your actions DS was your priority. Unfortunately all you can do now is be supportive and positive towards her.

No, but it does seem more acceptable if you're in a band and writing music. As Snoken said above, we can't all be middle managers. The world needs artists.

Her band may not be successful right now, but how many now-huge bands can you name who made money from Day One? Everyone starts somewhere.

And even if they never make it big, does that really mean she's wasted her life? More so than someone who did everything by the book and toiled away in a job they were indifferent to, or even disliked, for decade after decade?

I think she's only 19, it's the son that's 22. So not much time at all has been "wasted". The mum moved away when the son was 11 and then a few years later when the daughter was 11-12 she started visiting her less so the son must be older.

She’s 22. There’s nothing you can do. She’ll likely grow out of it. For most people that lifestyle gets boring after a few years.

I think you have enough insight I to where the relationship went wrong that you don't need a bunch of mumsnetters sticking the boot in. She does sound directionless and indulged but you can't do anything about that. You need to remain non judgemental and consistent and keep letting her know you're there for her. She will grow up eventually and hopefully she will seek more of a relationship with you when she does. She might not, however, and you need to be prepared for that.

I don't think it's OK, but I'm also realistic about young adults, especially these days. They seem much younger than they used to be. And even more so in the richer continental European nations. My two half siblings' DM is from one of those, whereas my DM is from Eastern Europe. There's an age difference, but also a huge difference in values and expectations. DBro has multiple disabilities so he's a slightly different case, but DSis sorted herself out in her 30s after an aimless decade of job hopping, smoking, drinking, crap boyfriends, shitty house shares, travelling and being bailed out by DF and DSM's family. She's now getting married and has the kind of corporate job she said she'd rather die than do at OP's DD's age. OP's DD is too young to be written off just yet. My teen years were pretty awful, and I did a lot of partying and drinking at uni, but I've turned into the responsible eldest child. I've also got experience being the child left behind while a parent moves on, and that does leave its mark.

Your poor DD. You basically left her and now want to criticise.

What a ridiculous accusation 😂

She's not really living 'independently' either is she? She is entirely bank rolled by her dad. Whilst it is completely normal for kids of that age to flounder a bit and lose direction, I'm not convinced the best way to deal with this is to provide them with endless money for drink and weed.

Unfortunately for the op though she's kind of lost any meaningful relationship with her so there's not a lot she can do.

I was thinking this. If it was a working class 20 year old in Manchester or Glasgow behaving like this, I bet fault would be found. Mumsnet users seem to really fetishise the French
but, I think the horse has bolted regarding her daughter: she’s an adult now. When she was a teenager, or course she wouldn’t have wanted to visit her mum; a weekend with small children / babies as a teenager would had been so dull.

Are you jealous @Bigorangeballoons ?

She is 19 years old. She has so much time to figure out what else she might want to do and "launch". If she wants to give the band a go for a while and her dad is happy to help her with that then I don't see the problem. If she was 28, still lived at home, didn't work or study I would feel differently, but this a teen living independently and pursuing something that might take off at some point.

You need to work on your relationship first. No judgement, no parenting (she’s an adult now). No wonder she doesn’t want to spend time with you when you think she’s a spoiled little princess who is wasting her life. All is not lost, prioritise having fun and creating connection.

This. Her entire education was in French so
why shouldn’t she continue that?

you basically said “your db wants a different school so he gets that and I’m leaving you..”
seriously in all of London and surrounding
area no school for him?!
absolutely you both have a favourite!

This. Her entire education was in French so
why shouldn’t she continue that?

you basically said “your db wants a different school so he gets that and I’m leaving you..”
seriously in all of London and surrounding
area no school for him?!
absolutely you both have a favourite!

My first thought, wrongly or rightly is, has she taken this path because she feels abandoned by her mother? I cannot imagine any situation where I would willingly split siblings.

For me it feels a bit late in the day to be worrying about her wasting her life, the damage is done. Perhaps rebuilding a better relationship should be your first concern.

I agree with this.

I am also surprised by so many posters who think this kind of life for a young person is perfectly ok. I've seen entire threads devoted to how awful it is when a young person fails to launch. Add in the weed which is generally frowned upon on here...I find myself wondering if it's the Mumsnet obsession with the French and the rich. Does everything seem more acceptable if you're doing it in France with a fuck ton of money?

Her and her dad obviously have quite similar personalities whereas you and your son are a bit more black and white and square in your thinking. I lived in Paris in my late teens/early 20s and plenty of young adults lived similarly to how your DD lives. They turned out just fine, but with a whole lot of interesting stories to tell. She isn't wasting her life just because she's trying to follow a dream. If everybody just finished school, went to uni, got a job we wouldn't have many artists, professional athletes, musicians etc. We can't all be accountants and middle managers.

The more you fight this the further you will get from your DD. She has chosen her path for now, you chose to move away with her sibling, meet a new man and create a new family. Probably not what she wanted either.

Sad story, while your dh took great care of your dd, the wounds of maternal abandonment will never ever heal.

Leave her be, you really have no right to say anything whatsoever. If you are lucky, she'll continue seeing you socially occasionally.

Your dh sounds like a very caring father but he shouldn't have agreed to you moving away when you did. Odd parental choice to say the least. Your poor dd.

I don’t think there is much you can do other than trying to maintain or build your relationship with her. She might be avoiding you if she thinks you will judge her.

Lots of 22 year olds are like this and so she may well grow up and grow out of it but it’s better if she is able to tell you if she’s struggling and that’s what I would be aiming for which involves biting your tongue a lot of the time.

Agree with everyone else. Stay out of it. Try and be there to support dd when you can. Otherwise she has a great life and if she’s happy that good. She has lots of time to get a job etc when she’s older.

There is something about your post that’s a bit delusional to me. A sort ‘oh no if completely avoidable circumstances hadn’t forced me to abandon my daughter I would have been an infinitely better parent to her.’.
Suggest you focus your attention on yourself & your own self development. At 22 her life is her own. Her lack of interest in a relationship with you speaks volumes, you’re an obligation. Judgement & criticism are not the way the repair the bridge.