Proposed to him and he said no

I'm cringing. This is so bad.

Are you from a culture where the man typically proposes? As if so, you already 'soft proposed' when you told him you'd like to get married to him. That's a woman's proposal. Telling him you're ready for marriage. He didn't propose, therefore he didn't accept. Steamrolling further by doing another proposal is honestly just so embarrassing. He already gave you his response.

I would end it, because you're past ready and he is nowhere near ready, the resentment will breed and take over the relationship.

There's exceptions to every rule but the evidence bears out what I say- the longer a couple lives together prior to marriage, the more likely the relationship is to end in divorce.

And the percentage of divorces for that same group?

2 years is not a very long time to be sure you want to spend the rest of your life with someone even if you love them. Love alone doesn't make a marriage.

Add to that that he has a bad experience in his past. He is not wrong for being cautious and want to share more life experience to be 100% certain. Ultimately, one could ask why you are not willing to wait a bit longer.

There is no right or wrong. You decided to take the initiative and didn't go how you wanted. You need to decide for yourself if it is worth giving him more time as he is requesting or if marriage is more important to you.

I've been with my partner, very happily, for three times as long as you've been with yours, so I don't think you have anything to teach me about relationships, thanks very much.

I am absolutely not saying that nobody should decide to get married early on in their relationship - simply that there's no set rule and that everyone will have different preferences on this and that those preferences don't necessarily have anything to do with how they feel about their partner.

Well he never really alleged at any point he was into marriage. So at least you know for sure now you're not able to change his mind.

It's a shame but you made an ultimatum and you should stick with it.

I think your instinct is right and he’s not as in to you as you are to him. It’s clear that marriage is important to you and you’ve been honest. I’d be ending the relationship and moving on.

9 years! That sounds like a really long time to me. By that stage me and my DH were already married had children! However, it's very personal. We felt ready quickly, which is fine.
I think the problem is the difference in outlook for this couple.

ah OP. On a positive note: now you know. No time wasted. So you can move on / rethink whether marriage is important to you. I’d throw this one back as he’s not that into you. He knows where to find you but I’d be moving on

64% of couples that get engaged are engaged within the first 2 years so it's more common than not.

You sound so desperate, OP. How old are you? Have you lived together? Three attempts at getting a marriage proposal in less than two years…that’s a lot of pressure. I’d run for the hills if I were him.

Men know after the first date? What absolute bollocks.

I feel like I don’t know what to do now as he clearly has no interest in marrying me.

You have two choices: leave him or stay with him unmarried.

The option to leave him may seem impossible if you are still madly in love, but it may be your best option long term, especially if you want children with a committed partner.

The option to stay with him unmarried is only a good choice if you have a really great career and earn lots of money.

Whatever you do, DON'T get pregnant unmarried (unless you have a great career, earn lots of money, and have a secure job with a good pension plan, and you are happy to go back to work full time as soon as maternity leave is over).

Marriage is a legal contract.
It is NOT primarily about being in love and showing how much you love each other. It is a legal mechanism for sharing all finances and assets.

She comes across to me as if time and patience are running out for her, and in order to plan her life she needs to know exactly where she stands now. How can she even begin to plan her future if the most important part of the puzzle is missing?
I think you did exactly the right thing OP. It probably took a lot of courage.

It's ridiculous that people are saying he's a commitment phobe! She asked him after 18 months..18 months! To decide to spend your whole life with someone.
I have been with my husband 23 years, we got engaged after 9 years, already lived together, had a dog together.
You are rushing it and it's not very nice of you to ask him when he has told you he isn't ready.

I think this is very personal though.

After 18 months I was only just moving in with my now husband. I can't imagine thinking about marriage 2 yrs in. If he had proposed to me after 2yrs I 100% would have said no. But also, I know there's no chance he would have asked me then either 😂 we got engaged after 4 years, married around the 5.5yr mark and are happily married with kids almost 10yrs later.

On the flipside I know of 2 couples who were moved in, engaged, married in a quick timeframe (less than 2-3 yrs)... one couple seperated less than a year later and the other are happily married 5 yrs on.

It just seems like the OP and her partners timelines and priorities don't match up. Neither scenario is right or wrong.

I’d be interested to know your ages. Women who want families in which marriage is important have completely different time lines.

It does sound like you might not be compatible. You knew it took him 7 years to propose to the previous partner. But when he said he needed more time in this relationship, you felt that 4 months was enough. So it seems you have different ideas about timings. Why do you feel so strongly about marriage/engagement and what difference would it make if you waited another year? If he’s really the one now, he still will be in 12 months’ time

Sadly I’ve known one - together for nine years! And he didn’t want to get married because ‘it’s just a piece of paper’ - the usual excuse.

Within hardly more than a year he had met and married someone else.

How is the situation remotely comparable?

In 2026, it's fairly unusual for couples to get engaged after only 18 months. I don't know anyone who has done that.

It’s harsh but he’s being honest. He was also honest 4 months ago with you. Marriage nowadays is a world away from what it used to be to. With the high rate of divorce, there is a lot to think about. Financial implications are one that I highly consider in relation to marriage and a reason I won’t get married

After a year together I think it's wise to talk about the future. You did the right thing because it's important to you. Two years together is plenty for adults to have a clear idea of feelings and thoughts about the future.
He doesn't want to get married. If you stay with him I suspect this will drift for years, with no marriage. You've given it time and he's given you a clear response.

Men know after the first date. It definitely doesn’t take two years. I would only date a guy for a year if I was approaching my thirties. You shouldn’t have asked him though. I would have withdrawn when it was clear he wasn’t proposing

I said to him that marriage is very important to me and what would he do if I said I couldn’t stay in the relationship if we didn’t get engaged and said that we’d need to split up.

So what was his response to this ultimatum?

This does seem a bit rushed and intense to me.

You're not yet together two years and you first brought up the subject of marriage last August (so after a year and a bit?). Then again four months ago (after about a year and a half?). He told you he wasn't ready yet which is totally reasonable after such a short time. Instead of listening to him, you've tried to force the issue by proposing.

If it's so important to you to be married within x amount of time, then maybe the two of you are not compatible. But I think it's unfair to call the guy a ditherer or say he doesn't love OP just because he needs longer than 18 months to feel ready for marriage.