To change school for friendships

I know someone whose child had friendship problems in primary school, then had friendship problems in secondary school, moved schools, then had friendship issues in 6th form and is now at Uni and is having the same problem. There’s a common denominator there! The child! You are better teaching her how to maintain or create friendships.

How big is her class versus different school?

Her friend who moved schools. Did they move to the school your thinking of

What if she moves school and doesnt make friends there i would assume friendship groups would have already have formed and she will be the new kids at a new school which could be difficult

She has some lovely friendships in clubs with girls she really gets along nicely with
Which school do these girls go to?

I think in your position I would start looking at potential schools and ask if they have places and if you can go and visit.
You don't have to decide right now whether to move her or not but if you spend some time getting a feel for what is available then you have more information to make a decision with.
I often do this when I'm struggling with a big decision. I check things out, gather information, have a look around and in the process of doing that things become clearer and often the decision is to leave things as they are. .
You won't be able to decide until you've looked at what the possibilities are.

My daughter was in a similar boat at one point. After trying, she moved away from the dynamic and made plenty of new friends. She sees both girls on each their own from time to time and they get on. It was that particular group of 3 that stopped working as I think one was trying to impress the other. One of the girls has gone on to struggle with friendships so I guess whatever was behind her strategy for trying to curry favour with the other girl wasn't helpful to her in the long-term as girls mature.

The suggestion of structured playdates is excellent. One at a time or with a different child in the mix other than the two that are being controlling.

She'll be more aware of friendship dynamics having had this problem and with a little guidance she might build her confidence back up and get her ready for senior.

Worst case scenario she is in the same boat and then maybe it could be time to do a little reading about friendships before secondary.

A year and a half at 9-10 years old is a long time.

Definitely move her.

The reason I say is because this will be affecting her confidence and understanding of herself. If she moves and has a good end of year 5 and year 6 then she'll be in a much better place when she moves to secondary which can be pretty brutal.

New girls tend to be quite popular and it'll give her a new start.

I've got to say - I do kind of agree.

the play date with activities and being friends with other mum's is so helpful. I know my DD was invited to lots of things as I was on good terms with the other girls' mums. We all got on fine and and this helped play dates and parties and activities - even tho we never stayed at them it just seemed to ease stuff x

I think once this sort of power dynamic has started, it's very hard to disrupt and I can understand why a new start may be best.

In the meantime, I'm sure there are skills you could practise with her, like not asking to play and just joining in.
I've just done a quick Google and there are lots of books on how to support and coach your child with social skills for friendships. - I'm not suggesting your child lack skills, far from, but it takes a particular skillset to disrupt that sort of catty girl behaviour from peers.
You could practise some strategies with her and if they don't help, they'll be useful in avoiding that sort of dynamic beginning at the next school.

The teacher might have some ideas for managing this situation too that they can bring in, so I think it is worth a chat.

Have you discussed the problem with the teacher apart from at Parents’ Evening? Before moving her, I would make an appointment, which is only about this (PE tends to focus on academics). It does sound like it’s only been mentioned in passing - and it sounds quite serious.

Will she go to the same secondary school regardless of which primary school she attends?
We moved our ds in y4 (we moved house). He could have stayed at the same primary but would not have moved to the same secondary school as those class mates as we lived in a different LA although schools are only a mile apart.

Ok, having had 2 girls recently go through year 5 I would say year 5 is by far the worst year for friendships and although it can seem so unfair and stressful, these things often do resolve over time. My eldest had exactly what you’ve described in year 5 but things levelled out in year 6. My youngest was low-level bullied by another girl in her class in year 4 and 5 but we chose not to move her as she managed to make other friends and actually didn’t want to move. She’s in year 6 now, things are a lot better and we are just hoping the larger pool of children at secondary school will allow her to find her people. Good luck, I know how tough it can be.

I wouldn't bother unless she was seriously upset, avoiding school etc. Not long to go now and everything changes when they move up to secondary. Far more kids to "choose from" friendship wise.

Also I speak from experience when I say that often these things bother us (mums) more than it bothers them (kids)

Are there only 2 other girls in her class? I’d encourage her to go to the lunchtime sessions the school is putting on and/or speak to other girls in the class. She may be getting upset as she continues to try and be friends with the two that are excluding her. Try and move her away from doing this.

Having said all that one more year and she’ll be in secondary school. For both of mine I was amazed at the shift in friendship group and the change from being in a popular group to not and vice-versa. You don’t want to have to think about moving schools as this may happen again. Teach her resilience and to make friends with the other kids in her class! X

Forgive me for being so blunt, but are you sure you’re not the problem? Any time I see girls without friends, Mum is usually part of the dynamic. The fact that you’re contemplating changing school with just four terms to go is a sign that you’re not comfortable with the natural ebbs and flows of friendly relationships - you’re seeking to avoid rather than resolve differences.

Avoidance is a good strategy for dealing with playground bullies but it won’t help you make and maintain friendships.

You need to prioritise playdates doing a side by side activity rather than simply being expected to play together. It’s less involving so less high stakes. Then you progress to playdates at home, and then parties. So often parents throw their friendless kid an epic party but don’t realise that’s the cherry on top of a friendship, not its building blocks.

You also need to gel with other parents - primary school friendships are very much dependent on whether other parents like you as well as like your kid.

That’s a shame about that girl.

Are there regular play dates though?