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Original poster

To ask for help with 12 year old DD and how not to fat shame her

37 replies

Worrieddancemum · 27/02/2026 19:44

Arrgghh DD has been piling weight on this last few months, eating literally anything and everything and she’s put on a lot of weight. She’s autistic, and only eats certain things, but large quantities. Lots of carbs and sugar.

I have tired limiting certain things but she’s very sensitive and gets so upset that I end up backtracking.

Shes a dancer but doesn’t do anywhere near as much as she used to, which has obviously resulted in her not burning off as much day to day

Shes just tired on an outfit for dance that I got her (adult size 10) and it’s too small. She’s literally hanging out of it, and it looks unflattering but more importantly risks her compromising her dignity (leotards are very unforgiving as it is). All I said was that it was too small and I will change it for next size up. She has said it’s fine and she wants to keep it. She has no awareness that she’s put weight on, and I don’t want to spell it out, but I’m not letting her wear something that doesn’t fit when I can easily change it tomorrow. That’s spiralled to me accusing her of always needing bigger sizes, and how it’s upsetting her. I feel like I’m going to emotionally damage her 😫 but in the same breath she lacks self awareness and doesn’t seem to see how much her body has changed

Im so scared of upsetting her as her mental health is so precarious, but how do I manage this longer term?!

OP posts:
LeavesOnTrees · 27/02/2026 20:35

I think you should get her the larger sized leotard but not say anything about it.

As for the food, reduce the amount of snack foods in the house and encourage more healthy options first. I wouldn't completely cut out treats though. Personally I wouldn't mention her weight at all.

Does she drink sugary drinks ? If so, don't buy anymore and only allow water (for the whole family not just her).

Original poster
Worrieddancemum · 27/02/2026 20:33

@Haveyouanyjam her vulva was showing when she did certain moves, and it wouldn’t zip up at the back and was cutting into her armpits

OP posts:
hobbledyhoy · 27/02/2026 20:32

It’s very difficult. I was an overweight child and other children can be cruel. I appreciate you don’t want to psychologically damage her but ultimately it is her health and I’m sure she’ll have realised she’s put on weight, whether she wants to acknowledge it to you or not.
better to do something now than let it get worse.

HintofVintagePink · 27/02/2026 20:30

Get a bigger size and take the tag out. Say nothing.

Then family health kick asap. You control the menu. You arrange and join in with exercise without making a big deal of it. It’s just the new routine.

Best of luck. I wish my mum had been as thoughtful as you when I was 12. Fat shaming is not the way to go.

Jellybunny56 · 27/02/2026 20:26

Haveyouanyjam · 27/02/2026 20:22

Whilst I appreciate you’re worried about her health and diet, anything that involves shaming her will be more damaging to her health and wellbeing overall.
Some girls put on weight through the onset of puberty and then lose it.
Just don’t have certain things in the house or slowly phase them out and I agree try and get her involved in cooking.
I think it is worse to push her to wear another size when she says she’s happy with one, because you are embarrassed of how she looks or thinks she will be embarrassed. It’s her body and her choice what she wears.

Part of me agrees with this, part of me doesn’t re pushing to wear another size.

I can imagine what a too-small leotard could look like and that’s a very different thing to squeezing into a pair of jeans that don’t quite fit visually. If the options are that a child at dance makes a horrible comment or mum has a quiet word I think it’s far better for mum to do it.

Haveyouanyjam · 27/02/2026 20:22

Whilst I appreciate you’re worried about her health and diet, anything that involves shaming her will be more damaging to her health and wellbeing overall.
Some girls put on weight through the onset of puberty and then lose it.
Just don’t have certain things in the house or slowly phase them out and I agree try and get her involved in cooking.
I think it is worse to push her to wear another size when she says she’s happy with one, because you are embarrassed of how she looks or thinks she will be embarrassed. It’s her body and her choice what she wears.

RosieSpring · 27/02/2026 20:13

Is there any possibility you could get the bigger size, take the inside tag off and say nothing about it?
Long term, it would help if you said the whole family are eating healty. Would she go on walks with you in the evening? Is there any chance of getting her to do more dancing?

Original poster
Worrieddancemum · 27/02/2026 20:07

I’m petrified of making her feel shame/upset, and it’s stopping me from dealing with this

OP posts:
Original poster
Worrieddancemum · 27/02/2026 20:06

I was considering something along these lines, re a family health kick. She is just so rigid that I’m worried any kind of change will cause her to be upset. I’m constantly on egg shells with her. She’s on medication that I suspect has contributed towards the appetite increase, but she’s literally quadrupled in size this last year and I’m so worried

OP posts:
HarryVanderspeigle · 27/02/2026 19:58

What foods does she eat? I think you do need to start restricting the sugar. We do pudding for one meal, the kids can choose which, but not lunch and dinner. They also have to have eaten the savoury food first and pudding portions are controlled, otherwise ds2 would exist entirely on sugar and not eat the main. Ds2 will still do a food raid if he thinks he can get away with it!

For ds1, who is less restricted in eating, I do packed lunch with home made oat and seed bars for snack and higher fibre and protein muffin or brownie for pudding. Blake bean brownies are a good lower sugar alternative. I did try chickpea cookies a few weeks ago, but they turned green (natural chemical reaction, but still alarming) so I couldn't put them in the lunch box!

Lmnop22 · 27/02/2026 19:49

You need to set boundaries around food and exercise portion control to stop this spiralling.

Perhaps frame it as a family health kick so you’re not singling her out, go through recipe books together, get her involved in cooking, don’t let her eat a huge portion or have sugary desserts every night. Have a treat day where’s she’s allowed her favourite sugary treat so she doesn’t feel like things are banned.